Every Bite A Cut

After a long time I finally made it to my blog again. Weeks of binging made me fatter than ever. No chance to fight the cravings. But now I am back again. Every bad bite gives a cut on my forearm. And sometimes I aso do it just for fun because I started loving those cuts. Making them, seing them, having them. Just beautiful. I could stare at them and touch them for hours and hours. My own personal reminder of staying strong and never again let myself go so much like in the last weeks.

2009 will be my year of skinniness. I will finally reach my goal. 42 kilos. I am so much looking forward to that day.

Fat!

I thought I had reduced my intake and were on a good way to lose weight again. But when I put on my old trousers this morning, which were quite loose about 4 months ago, they were actually quite tight now! Oh my god, did I really gain so much weight during that time? It's horror! How could I've allowed myself to become such a fatass again?!

I really need to get all this fat off of me. I can't live with how I am. I am so ugly.

Losing

I stepped on the scale on Saturday. 52 kg. I stepped on the scale yesterday evening. 50 kg. This makes 2 kilos in three days. And I weighed myself even in the evening, not early in the morning.

One tiny success at least.

And really, I feel more in control at the moment. I am getting back to finally having more control about my eating habits again. I stayed strong, didn't give in to my cravings lately although it was veeery difficult. I also skipped dinner twice. Well, dinner is only cottage cheese with vegetables, but anyway. I got back to apples and grapes only and I think this is what made me lose again.

Nevertheless I can't skip dinner forever because all of the sports I do. I need the protein from the cottage cheese! But maybe I can only have it two or three times a week and stick to apples the rest of days.

Grapes, at least when I eat lots of them, aren't good for me, too, as I noticed now. I got an intolerance towards hystamine and probably grapes count in there, too. They give me bad stomach growlings and stuff. So I better reduce them. They were my "sweets", but I probably find something to replace them.

To cut a long story short: I am obviously on a good way reaching my goal. But I shouldn't get to enthusiastic about it. We all know that this can make you lazy. So I'll keep on going my way. And hopefully soon I'll see another few kilos drop.

Getting stronger

Today when I took my office break at lunchtime I was badass hungry. I was afraid of walking in a shop because I thought I'd fall for bread or even sweets or something. So I strolled through the streets but finally got the courage to set a foot in the next supermarket to buy me some grapes, two apples, coke light and a sugarfree enegery drink. I managed to pass the cakes, cookies, chocolate and bread rolls without touching it!

Since I will not be able to run tonight because I meet some friends I will try to eat as little as possible. Maybe I could even get through the day with these two apples and the grapes? Would be great. Maybe I even got the time after work to run a short round on my training route. So that I at least burn some calories by running. I actually hate it when my routine is messed up. I bike every day to work and run every day an hour after work. On the weekends I ride my road bike for at least one and a half hours and run as long and as far as I can.

If I can't do one or the other, something is "missing" and I feel like I instantly gain weight. I need to work off all I eat, even more than I eat. Or I panic.

Back after a long time

It has been a long time since I posted something. Sorry for that. I've been through quite a lot of ups and downs lately and gained a lot of weight since summer. I somehow lost control. Completely. I longed for sweet food so badly, binged a lot, got lazy with the sports and became the most disgusting person ever walked on earth. Since a couple of weeks I am trying to get back in shape with more determination. Nevertheless I still don't manage to stick to three apples only a day. Something that was like "foolproof" some months ago. I don't eat much, though, but still a lot of things. IMHO. I hope to get as powerful as I was in summer soon again. I finally want to reach my 42 kilos. I must become as skinny as possible.

Fat, worthless, ugly. Can't stop crying.

I am back now from meeting her. HER. And I almost cried when I saw her. She is so unbelievably beautiful. What a perfect woman she is. She is drop dead gorgeous - and as thin as I never will be. She was so nice to me, she was so kind, we had a lot of fun, actually. But now that I am home again - actually already on my way back home - I am more depressed than I ever was. I could cry. I could scream. I could kill myself. She is so beautiful and she has the body I always wanted to have. I am such a fat fuck. I am a pile of fricking worthless shit. And she is nothing but pure beauty. Perfect. I am not. I am far away from being even close to bearable. I am ugly and fat.

I will never eat something again. I will starve myself to get just a little bit closer to what she is.

Why can't I be a little bit more like her?
Successful. Pretty. Gorgeous. Thin.

I can't bear myself anymore. I can't bear this fricking fat body. I can't. I just wanna die. I am so overwhelmed by her beauty. Such beauty I'll never achieve.

I wonder why she even talked to me, why she spent her time with me although I am such a fat cow. It must have been so embarrassing for her to be seen with me.

I MUST get thinner. Next time we meet (she wants it! She really wants it although I am so ugly! She is such a good person and I am such a fat cow) I MUST weigh less. I MUST lose at least 5 more kilos. I actually MUST lose even more.

Damn, she is soooo pretty!!
Why can't I just have half of her beauty??
Why must I be such an ugly fatass?

I just can't stop crying....

I've become a purger

I did it three times. The first time I was shocked and embarrased. The second time I only felt a bit ashamed. The third time was lifting me higher and making me proud over winning the battle with food.

Now it has become normal.

My body was craving for energy today. I was 2 hours on my road bike early this morning. High speed, burnt about 1.000 cals. Then I was on the mountain bike in the afternoon. Another 400 cals in almost one hour. Later I went for a jog. 45 mins, high speed. Again 560 cals off. And I ate 4 apples and a green salad with a can of tuna and 2 tomatos. So I fell for 4 pieces of chocolate. And about 5 mins after I swallowed them I went to the bathroom and purged until all chocolate was out again.

It was very easy, very relaxed, very calm, nothing "extraordinary". I did it, I smiled afterwards, I felt strong, powerful, in total control.

So, this is what has become of me. I officially discovered purging as my "last solution" when I did something wrong.
I am not a binger, I am still very afraid of food and calories, so this "discovery" won't become an excuse for stuffing a million things in my mouth. The only "danger" could be that I purge just everything I eat. Because I know now how it works.

After 15 years ofpure anorexia I added a new "feature" to my ED. And to be honest: My weird mind is damn proud of me.

Don't fear...

All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain
We can be like they are

Come on baby... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby take my hand... Don't fear the Reaper
We'll be able to fly... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby I'm your man...

Valentine is done
Here but now they're gone
Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity...
Romeo and Juliet

40,000 men and women everyday...
Like Romeo and Juliet
40,000 men and women everyday...
Redefine happiness
Another 40,000 coming everyday...
We can be like they are

Come on baby... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby take my hand... Don't fear the Reaper
We'll be able to fly... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby I'm your man...

Love of two is one
Here but now they're gone
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear we couldn't go on
The door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew and then disappeared
The curtains flew then he appeared
Saying don't be afraid

Come on baby... And we had no fear
And we ran to him... Then we started to fly
We looked backward and said goodbye
We had become like they are
We had taken his hand
We had become like they are

Come on baby...don't fear the reaper

I did it again

Yesterday evening I once again, for the second time, willingly threw up after a "binge". I had a small bowl of cereals and half a bar of chocolate. And already while stuffing this stuff into my mouth my stomach started hurting so badly that I couldn't stand straight up. So I took my tooth brush and went to the toilet while my bf was sitting in the room next door listening to music via his headphones. It took me 20 minutes and several attempts, but finally I got everything out.

Weird: Afterwards I didn't felt half as guilty as after the first time I threw up. Quite the contrary. I felt powerful, strong and satisfied, although I looked like a monster when I went to the bathroom mirror straight afterwards. Red eyes, somehow "swollen" face...

I don't plan to throw up regularly now, but it appears to be a "good" solution after a binge. Nevertheless I try to avoid binges at all costs, but if it happens, I now know that I can make it "a little bit" undone...

Desperate

Damn, I gave in to carbs again. Had two Naan breads (together 250 cals) late in the evening. I just coudn't resist. And although I immediately went for another jog (already jogged 7 km that day, went 40 km on my road bike any hiked 7 km), I gained half a kilo! Even if this is just muscle weight due to the huge amount of sports I am doing since several weeks, I gained! But how in the world can I finally lose weight? I eat very little (only fruits and vegetables), I burn so many calories by jogging and biking, but still I gain! My metab seems to be ok, though. Do I have to eat even less? Do I have to cut down the sport? I am desperate. I must lose 5 kg as fast as possible. But all I do is gain!

Above the plateau again

For fuck's sake - I messed it up again. And this time big time. I am back at my plateau weight. Not that I started eating much more, I "just" messed up my metabolism. Eating nothing but apples might be a good idea for one week, but not for two or more. Restricting does only work when you do it smartly, thus vary your calorie intake and not consume 300 cals every day. You'll lose water weight quickly, but when it's gone, losing stops. And you start even gaining by just eating a little more than your 300 cals. No matter how much sport you do.

So here comes plan b to finally get some progress in this whole effin' story.
1. Mark: Losing weight is not an easy job. Restricting calories "just so" doesn't get you where you wanna be.
2. Vary your calorie intake. Don't overeat, but vary. You don't need a strict plan to follow, just make sure to not eat the same amount of cals everyday, but have a difference from several hundred cals per day.
3. Vary your sports routine. Do not run the same amount of kilometers every day. Do not bike the same amount of calories every day. Do not make the same amount of situps everyday.
4. Stay away from "bad carbs". No bread, no cornflakes, no musli, no potatos and similar things. Get carbs from fruits (apples, for example).
5. Drink as much as you can.

So after a bad binge yesterday (which started of course with carbs - I ate 250ml of beef broth with some noodles and then it went on with a can of tuna, a small bowl of cornflakes, and half a bar of cocolate!), I had an apple and coffee for breakfast to kickstart the metabolism, made my situps, went to work by bike and have my first herbal tea now. I plan a full fruit day today, with even more apples and grapes. So I'll stay below the amount of cals from yesterday. Tomorrow I'll have again apples and grapes, but I'll add some soy products (maybe a yoghurt or something). I'll also run the shorter distance today and will keep the long one for the weekend. I'll plan to stick to a low carb diet over the weekend (cottage cheese with radish and cucumbers for breakfast, salat for lunch), and I hope it will be easy to convince my bf that it's nothing to worry about. Maybe this will finally make me break my plateau again.

Finally!

I broke my plateau! I did it! After four days of apples only and a lot of sport I am at 108 now. I came from 114 when I started on Monday! I am so happy, can't describe it with words. This is surely "my new thing". I didn't even crave anything else during the last days: no carbs, no sweets, no nothing. After the frickin' weekend where I have to eat almost normally again because I'm with my bf all the time, I will a 100% start with apples on Monday again. They will be my food of the week until I finally reached my goal. I lost 6 pounds in such a short time. So I really could make it to get rid off the rest until summer. 18 to go then I am perfect.

I am the fattest person ever

I was so good all the last two weeks. And then comes the weekend and everything gets ruined. I ate like a pig. I binged. I had peanut butter on crisp bread. Not one, not two, not three, but four. I had chocolate. Not one piece, not two, but eight. I had TUCs. I had salami for breakfast. I don't dare to step on the scale. I must have gained every single pound back I lost. If not even more. I was so weak. What a weak fatass I am. What a worthless, uncontrolled piece of shit. I can do nothing right, I do always fail. I must stop being such a weak idiot. I must be strong. I simply MUST get thin, there cannot be any other more important thing.

I start taking RF again. Who cares about the nervous heart rate. I MUST burn fat. Now. I will only eat three apples a day from now on. For at least a weak. A day of failure will result in a day of fasting.

I WILL NOT AGAIN BINGE ON THE WEEKEND.

I WILL NOT BINGE EVER AGAIN.

I MUST GET THIN.

Happy Beginning of the Day

On my way to work (I go by bike everydays, 8 km each way), I stopped at a bread shop because I felt so hungry and was craving bread so much. I bought a sunflower weed wholemeal roll, which has more than 280 calories per piece, I found out at the office browsing the web. So I was strong and gave it to a colleague instead of eating it. I am still hungry, though, but I won't eat so fricking many calories just for a bread roll, for Christ's sake! I am so happy I didn't. Would have felt guilty the whole day. So I am drinking a hot sweet tea (artificial no cal sweetener, of course) with a dash of low fat milk now, had a glass of water with little lemon juice and two more konjac flour capsules (had two when I got up already).

For lunch there will be a mug of pancake soup (39 cals), as a snack half an apple (40 cals) in the afternoon and for dinner some radishs (30), with 75 g cottage cheese (52 cals) and two slices of crispbread (40).

That should do for the day.

Konjac Flour Capsules

Found a great "new" hunger surpressant: konjac flour capsules. 100 capsules cost about 10 Euros and you consume up to 9 per day. So it's not so very cheap, but it's working better than Hoodia, IMHO. These capsules expand big time (up t0 200 %) in your stomach. It becomes a pasty mash in your belly, which is covered with an indigestive shell. So it stays longer in your stomach and makes you longer feel full.

Konjac flour contains protein, no carbs, no sugar, no fat, but a lot of fibre.

I take 3 capsules in the morning, 2 for dinner, 3 in the afternoon and 1 before I go to sleep. Works perfect: Full stomach, no collywobbles. Sometimes you even feel a bit sick due to the huge mass of "stuff" in your belly which additionally keeps you from being hungry. Perfect.

Bad as always

Sunday was, as always, bad. I had chocolate after dinner. Just a tiny bit, but nevertheless. And dinner also was huge. As well as lunch. Only breakfast was ok, but still I ate way too much. And it even didn't make my heart more comfortable. I have troubles with an irregular heartbeat or whatever it is since a few days. And I guess I'm off to the doctor this afternoon. It's very probably related to my "less than 200 cal"-diet of the last week, but still I hope there is another reason for it and that it will be gone soon. I'm slowly getting scared.

But anyway, I am back to basics now. I thought about having 500 cals per day. It will make me lose more slowly, but at least more healthy than having no food at all. I am not sure if I make it, though. I am really afraid of food and it will be difficult to eat generally. I've no plan yet of what to eat, but I thought about a huge green salad in the evening and a soup for lunch. And maybe an apple as a snack in the afternoon. But I am not sure if I can make it.

For the first time

Today I purged for the first time. I binged on chocolate flavoured cornflakes and half a chocolate easter bunny after staying below 200 cals everyday since Sunday. I spit the last two bites of the easter bunny into the garbage can when I recognized - much too late - what I was doing. Then I ran to the toilet and tried to get the rest of it out. With the help of the well known "tools" I finally managed to get all the chocolate out, but it was too late for the chocolate flakes. Some got out, but it was more than an hour ago after I ate them, so I stopped knowing that there's no point any longer in getting rid off them.

I am not happy with what I've done since I am not even a 100% convinced that it prevented my body from absorbing some of these fricking calories. I am totally frustrated and disgusted by myself - that I could fail so much after such a good week and eat a ton of shit, that I purged secretly and almost without any sound while my boyfriend is in the next room, and that I took my ED to a "next step" and thus a place where I've never been before in 15 year of Ana.

Please, don't let it ever happen again...

How could you not...

Two hours ago I had dinner (one slice of bread with yoghurt cheese and a slice of sweet pepper) and was prosecuted with heavy stomach ache soon afterwards.

It's not just my head who refuses to eat.

How can you not hate food in moments like these, when you are convulsed with pain, when everything hurts and it feels like your tummy would be torn apart? How can you not wish for never ever having to eat again?

Getting more and more afraid

After the start of the week with 65 calories I ended it up with 440 yesterday. And I am sad and disgustet about it! While others say (and my ratio, too), that everything below 500 is still very, very little, I am in shock! How could I allow myself to eat that much during the week when I'm actually supposed to eat almost nothing because I will stuff myself with food on the weekend!? How I again ruined the whole week and even the 30 minutes jog yesterday evening will not make my failure undone.

See? This is what I am thinking since I got down to 65. This is what finally has become of me again (!) after finishing IP. I am back where I was a year ago. I am back where I belong. I am no longer forbidding me to eat although I learnt to like the taste of food, I am forbidding me to eat because I am afraid of calories.

I feel unbelievably strong and great and powerful and over-the-top! Now it seems as if I've finally passed this effin' invisible border that kept me from losing weight again, from shaping my body after my ideal of beauty. I've done it. Now it can start again...

65

I planned to stick below 200 cals today and ended up with 65. Had quite a lot of stress at work and there was no time to eat anything at all. So I just had coffee and one of these small Optiwell yoghurt thingys. Got very dizzy on my way home, so I skipped the planned jog, but it's snowing and freezing over here anyway. Would have had a hard time running in the -8 °C cold storm...

Anyway - this was a promising start of the pre-easter-weightloss-phase.

2424288

This is no cryptical number, but my life. Everything circles around these numbers. They specify how much I eat and when I do eat it. 200 cals on Monday, 400 cals on Tuesday, 200 cals on Wednesday, 400 cals on Thursday, 200 cals on Friday, 800 cals on Saturday and Sunday. 800 cals are already a huge challenge and always linked with a big inner struggle, with disgust, horror, and a lot of stress. But I must keep my metabolism high with that, so that it doesn't go into starvation mode and I don't lose anything anymore. And I also do it, because I have a magical weight border I don't want to go below. I am older, wiser and more realistic than I was with 15 or 16: I don't want to have a BMI about 13 anymore.

But in times like these, after an "Easter Binge", the plan mentioned above is suspended. Liquid fasting is what it's all about now. Coffee, low fat milk, maybe a bit of chicken or vegetable broth, maybe an Optiwell drink (42 cals each! Eeeek!) and lots of diet coke to still the craving for sweets.

200 cals max until the end of the week. That should almost undo the ultimate worse case scenerio of this year's Easter. Together with the 2 times a week running and the daily situp routine, of course. Nothing comes from nothing.

Feeling Yourself

The knife on my arm. The gentle pain when it touches my skin, cleaving. When the first tear of red blood grows, then melts away, I can feel its warmth also on my outside. The burning that slowly starts, becomes stronger and ends up being the only sentience at all. It makes me shiver, avaricious, wanting more. That's my lust.

The devil in me

Concerning a debate at mamaVision (about viewing other people and judging them) I started to think about myself and found out: I am mean, arrogant, superficial, cynic, close-minded, and generally not nice when it comes to people and food. I think bad of people who are fat, of people who eat much (IMHO) or just sweets or fast food, of corpulent people who say "I feel good with my body" because I am sure they don't and just pretend to be ok to avoid facing the problem that they actually have to diet, I find it disgusting to have to see fat people in the tube, the bus, on the streets, in the shopping mall. I've got many prejudices such as fat people lack discipline, control, a strong mind, health, and aesthetic sensation. Of course I also belong to these group of people, to the fat ones, so I am also not nice to myself.

I always try to hold back my thoughts (and words!) when I have to talk to a fat person - or see one. Or see someone eating chocolate, or a burger, or french fries. But it's hardly ever possible to not at least think "yuck!".

Am I a mean person now? Am I personally to blame for my distorted mind? If so - am I also personally to blame for not eating? I doubt that someone would attack me because I refuse food. But lots of people attack me because my point of view. Where's the line between "this is the illness" and "this is you"? Don't both examples come from the same source, which is ANA?

Drunkorexia - not for me

First there was diabulimia. Now there is drunkorexia -- another new and buzzworthy term for some not-so-new behavior: self-imposed starvation or bingeing and purging, combined with alcohol abuse. According to this report on The Morning Show, 30% of US women ages 18-23 restrict food calories so they can drink more and not gain weight from their alcohol consumption.

Let me think: One glass of beer would equal my calorie intake of a day. So to be an "drunkorexic" I'd skip all my food and just drink that beer. And would probably end up sunk down in a corner being totally drunk.

For whom does this work? Alcohol has loads of calories - no one, except binge-eaters maybe, would be able to eat anything anymore when they want to drink a white russian, a mojito or a beer in the evening!

Challenges

Today my boss is celebrating his birthday and inviting everybody for lunch. He ordered a million sandwiches and there will be an hour of partying with all colleagues. A challenge I am scared of and which I don't know how to pass yet. Probably I'll take my lunchbreak before and pretend to have eaten already. So I can avoid the bread, which is, as we all know, evil. But I won't be able to skip the toast. And I really don't want to drink a single drop of sparkling wine which has almost 100 cals per serving! As an alternative there will be orange juice which has about half the cals on the same size than the sparkling wine. But also these 50 cals will make my day's intake become awful.

Oh my god, I haven't been so scared of eating for a very long time now. I already freaked out this morning when I found out that we don't order low fat milk for the office any longer. My colleagues were completely irritated by my anger and I felt like I had revealed my food problem in front of everybody now.

I am confused and happy at the same time, though. It's the first obvious incident of getting back to ana after being an "out-of-control-fatass" for almost a year now. Will it be just a short interlude before the next binge or is it really - hopefully - serious?

**edit**
Passed the challenge - successfully! Not even orange juice! And no one even noticed that I did not eat or drink anything. I'm happy and relieved. Looking at the munching mass of people and the disgusting high calorie sandwiches they ate (all white bread, mayonnaise, salami, salmon, butter, etc.) made me actually sick - not hungry myself. I am really getting better now.

News on the Pro-Ana front

In the last days the discussion about pro-ana forums became a hot topic again. Concerning the debate about closing pro-ana related website, news from Israel do now arrive: An agressive campaign to shut down pro-ana blogs has been taking place in the popular Israeli portal "Israblog". There have been numerous online conversation for and against banning of these sites. Ilana, a representative of the Israeli portal, responded to the petition calling to close down blogs that encourage anorexia. Here is a translation of her response:

"Israblog is a network of blogs created to provide every person with the means to express themselves as long as it abides by the country’s laws. Our motto, ‘life is here’, refers to all aspects of life, even the more hurtful sides can be expressed here. Any person can own a blog through our system, even if their self perception is problematic or if their body fat percentage is lower than the norm.

The second, and more important reason, is that we do not believe that erasing blogs will have a positive effect. On the contrary, it may be damaging. We realize that there exist other blogging platforms which erase this type of content, however we strongly believe that if we act in a similar manner, we will simply pass this ‘burning hot potato’ onwards without actually making positive change.

We agree that these blogs are problematic, but they also represent a true call for help. And it is best that this call will be heard here, in Israblog, a place where there are attentive listeners and arms ready to reach out and help, rather than a lonely, underground or extreme space.

One must remember that it is not possible to help someone with eating disorders by shutting her mouth. It is possible to help by providing an opposing voice, anti-anorectic, anti-bolemic.

This is precisely why we contact the psychologist Liran Rogev, from the Shahaf organization, who created the blog winning over eating disorders. In this blog, Liran describes ways to cope with eating disorders from his experience as a professional in the field. He tries to engage in supportive dialogue with those suffering from this complex issue, and suggests alternative methods of dealing.

In addition, we are looking for other ways to integrate other professionals who could consult, advise and support our bloggers. However the greatest force to support and make a difference is in your hands. The best thing about Israblog, which is always heart-warming, is these connections of concern, support and friendship made here between bloggers.

We ask you to sharpen your critique over western culture which idolizes the skinny, and point out these social messages, hidden or visible, which relate a person’s value, especially women, to their looks and weight. You can enter pro-ana blogs and leave comments. Don’t answer simply by saying “c’mon, what are you doing…” or “don’t you know that bones are NOT sexy?!”. Comments of this type cause detachment and anger. Liran posted a list of things to remember when formulating anti-anorectic responses in pro-ana blogs. Amongst all his recommendations, we want to emphasize the last - “try to make a true connection - do not criticize or be judgmental. Otherwise, the pro-ana blogger will only reach out to other people with eating disorders, something that can certainly feed this disorder and lead to a further deterioration in their health”. In other words - be friends, real friends, so that those suffering from eating disorders will not seek out only other pro-ana friends."

What I find interesting about this statement is that it's IMHO the first good one. Not just because it stands for not closing pro ana sites, but it gives some food for thoughts. For non-pro people. When I read the "how-to-deal-with-Anas" and "how-to-deal-not-with-Anas" I feel reminded of blogs like MamaVision (sorry) which criticize pro-ana forums and websites and shows off user avatars on which it says "bones are beautiful" added with scholarly comments telling the audience that bones are even not beautiful and that people who think so have a weird perception of prettiness.

Concerning the issue that about 90% of all pro-anas are teenagers, especially mothers but also everyone who once was teenager (means everyone), must know that talking this way will only result in an act of defiance. At least I would respond that way. So the advice from Ilana to be more careful when talking (directly or in written form) to annorexics is IMHO very wise, important and probably the only helpful and promising one.

Lazy Sunday Thoughts

It came to my mind that I am actually very seldomly talk about "real issues". Like if I had nothing important to say except talking about my failure or success concerning my struggle with food. So most of you might think that I am - like "a good Ana" - just thinking about my intake, calories counting and what to better not eat all day long. But I am not. And I am still. Huh?

Don't count me in as conventionally recovered. I am far away from that. But I found my path. Name it the "wisdom of age", but with being very close to 30 now and having experienced Anorexia since my earliest teenage years, I have a more outré view of the whole thing. Sure, I do panic from time to time when I feel I have eaten too much, sure I am crying after a binge, I am counting calories, I am taking my metab enhancer, I live on diet coke for days, I can't take a look at me in the mirror naked, and sure I am secretly flushing down food the toilet. On the other hand I really do enjoy an evening out with friends, drinking three glasses of a good stout and smoke a billion cigarettes - and don't cry me to sleep afterwards.

I am my own evolution. When I read through some forums I see myself in these desperate 14-year-olds who starve themselves without knowing very much about the consequences of their actions, but I am beyond that without being cured. Still I cannot understand why people would like to get rid off Anorexia. Even in ten months of IP no one could convince me of the benefits. I got so used to it that I can't and don't want to be without it anymore. Ana is a part of me that I really would miss, honestly. Even if it makes me depressed, if I break down and cry, if I hate myself a lot from time to time - it's the path I took and I have to deal with. It's not unbearable; not more unendurable for me than going into the other direction.

Successfully passed

During lunchtime I went to a supermarket to buy lactose free milk for a colleague and coke zero for me. I spent several minutes in front of the crisps rack, touched several packs, checked their calories and thought about eating them because the day would be ruined anyway because we're celebrating our boss's birthday with open sandwiches. But - oh what a lucky surprise! - I stayed strong and didn't eat them. And when I got back to the office the birthday party was cancelled, too! So this Friday can become a good day! When I once stayed strong I'll can do it later again, too! Go - go - get thinner!

Calmed down

After some hysteric days I finally calmed down a bit. I am still worried, though, but I came to the conclusion that it is "ok" that it takes some more time to adjust myself again after the IP. Me and my habbits were changed over 10 months, so it will naturally take longer than 30 days to get back to my old shape. Nevertheless this is no excuse for binging all day like I did several times during the last weeks. I just have to try harder and remind myself every single day of my goal. It's not easy, of course - but who said it would?!

I thought about what could make it easier for me to get back to my "pre-IP-status". I tried some sort of food journals, for example. Private on paper as well as public on a forum. Both didn't work out for me since I think there was no "pressure" and I cheated on myself by just not writing something down, leaving a whole day out or not posting. But I figured out that I need this pressure (to openly display my success or failure) to stay strong and follow my own rules. I am still too weak to only rely on myself. So I need to find a solution for my dilemma. I will.

Anyway, I new start now. All over again.

Desperate Moan: Stuck in a vicious circle...

I finished IP more or less successful (depends on your point of view) about a month ago. Some people are happy that I hained weight and look "healthy" again. Me, personally, I'm getting desperate more and more every day.

I am stuck in a vicious circle of starving from Monday to Friday and binging on the weekend (up to 2500 cals / day). I have completely lost control over my intake. When I don't start eating, everything's fine and I can go on the whole day without food. But when something touches my lips it's over. "Just don't eat solid food at all", would be an advice. Would. If there wasn't my boyfriend, who keeps a close eye on me since I am back from rehab and since he actually knows what I did all the last years to hide ana from him. I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want to make him sad. As well as my family, who put all their hope and prayers in the treatment. They suffered so much.

But I also just can't go on the way I do right now. Everything feels so wrong, I feel so fat, gross, disgusting, horrible, and beyond all bearing. There are not many pathes I could choose.

Ten month in the clinic did not break my will to be thin. Ten month did not make me feel that 100 lbs is a weight I can live with. Ten month did not make me feel "ok" when I eat and did not end my crying over every calorie that ends up in my stomach. The ten month made it even worse, retrospectively. I've never thought about ending everything before. Now I do.

I feel so helpless. Everything seems so useless, so out of control. I am trying and trying and trying and I don't even get an inch closer to a state of tolerability. I am just failing all the time. I have no idea what I can and should do anymore. One day I feel strong, the next I disappoint myself again. Like a marionette bound to invisible strings which are pulled by the relicts of the brainwashing therapy, I am going round in circles. I see no way to get out. Is it worth another attempt anyway? The tenth, fifteenth, thirtysecond? Will something change this time or will it just be the same over and over again?

By now I don't see me getting back to where I was last year around this time. And this would be the only place I want to be in.

Ruined

I am such a failure. I am such a failure, embarrassing for myself and everyone else. I cry everytime I think back to the days before being in the clinic. I had total control of my intake, I had no hunger pains anymore, I was strong, I hardly ever binged. Now, that I got through a ten month brainwash I am the most horrible person ever walked on earth. I am binging like once a week, I cannot control what I eat or just for a few days, I am weak, I am FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT! I sit at home and EAT and although I feel horrible while doing so, I can't stop but go on. I am the sickest and most disgusting person ever, ugly, fat, gross. Even my skin gets bad due to all the sweet stuff I am stuffing in my mouth and I don't even dare to try on my jeans, I am sure they will be skin tight. And I am still craving for food.

This fricking therapy has completely ruined me. I am a wrack. What can I do to overcome this weakness? How can I get back to what I was and wanted to be? How can I be strong again when everything, even my own mind, is against me?

I can't go on like this anymore. It's a more than month now that I am home again and I am still not in control again! I can't bear it anymore. I really can't.

Craving chocolate?

All you need is Magnesium! (Premenstrual) Chocolate craving is a phenomenon that has puzzled a great many women. The reason behind that: Chocolate, which is highest in magnesium of all foods, is often a sign of magnesium deficiency. The answer is of course not to eat more chocolate, but to increase your magnesium by eating more e.g. green vegetables, and by increasing your magnesium supplements. Your chocolate cravings will vanish when you have enough magnesium in your diet. Good luck, ladies!

Fear and Despair

I knew I shouldn't step on the scale this morning after this horrible, horrible weak weekend. But I did. And instantly I broke down. I gained! I failed! I gained so much that I now do weigh as much as I did when I came right out of the clinic. All the hard work from the last three weeks, all the renunciation - for nothing! I am such a fat cow... My jeans are skin tight again, my tights much too fat, my skin got bad again due to the amount of food I ate and I hardly dared to go out this morning. It was so difficult to "show" myself to the world, knowing that I exploded over the weekend and everything I put on looks like a sausage skin on my fat, flabby body. What should I do now? How can I go on? I'm so on the verge of binging because I think it doesn't matter anyway anymore. I'll never be thin. But I must pull myself together now. I fast today. Water, diet pepsi and if the hunger becomes unbearable, I drink a coffee. I also need the diet pills finally. Something that pushes my metabolism and blocks the carbs and fats. I can't do it on my own anymore, I've not yet made my willpower come back, I cannot yet control me again. I need help! I need it so badly. I am so weak. I can't bear it anymore. This makes me so sick.

Dr. Phil - Deadly Thin

This is the story of Aimee, 28 years old, suffering from anorexia and bulimia. She weighs only 60 pounds and purges up to 150 times a day after everything she eats. She was in rehab for several times, but never got any positive results from it. Finally, the last therapist called her "untreatable". See the documentary in five parts on youtube.com

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Control or controlled?

I stepped as usual on the scale this morning. And I did not lose a pound.
A million things went through my head. The dominant one was: "You are not trying hard enough."

This is a really ugly feeling and makes you do a lot of things that may appear neurotic, actually. Like speaking to yourself all the time when you're alone, telling yourself that you're a fat cow and you'll always be fat as long as you don't reach like 87 pounds. And that you won't reach 87 pounds by doing what you're doing right now (eat less than 500 cals a day) because you've seen this morning that you don't lose a single pound.

Panic sneaks into your life, creeping up your back and makes itself comfortable as your permanent escort.

I know that this is wrong. The whole thing, generally. But I also know that I can't stop with it until I reached my goal. I have control over my food, my eating habits. But I have none over my thoughts. I feel as if I was remote-controlled by a higher force that deceitful hides behind the impression that I am doing what I want to do. Weird? Even weirder is that I don't want to do anything about it...

Back again

Yesterday I talked to a girl I was in rehab with. We met by chance on the street when I was going home from the doctor. She was with her mother and both recognized me early. Her mother immediately started to chat: "How beautiful her daughter looks, how shiny, how fresh and full of life again!" And I just thought that her tights got fat. Damn fat.

Generally I started measuring people with my eyes again. Everyone I met and see. This is something I made before rehab. Now it's back. And so it only took 2 1/2 weeks to get my mind back in pre-rehab shape. Woohoo.

2 1/2 weeks and I am back to restricting and even fasting, back to stepping ritually on the scale, back to drinking 3 sips of water after every bite I take. On one hand I am sad about it. Not for me, actually, but for my family and friends, who tried there best and hoped so much that these month in rehab would succeed.

I know it's my fault. All is my fault. But I am so egoistic at the moment that I care much for my well-being than the one of others.

Off of Kekwick

Today I got off of Kekwick. Not really voluntarily ( I planned it for a bit later), but there was nothing to do about. Actually I just broke down.

I woke up an hour before the alarm clock rang. My heart was pounding, I felt hot and cold at the same time. I rolled from one side of the bed to the other, then suddenly I felt that I had to puke. So I jumped up and just toppled down as soon as I stood on my feet. So I crawled to the toilet and spent about half an hour there, throwing up water and rests of macadamia nuts. Disgusting.

Afterwards I crawled back to bed since I still wasn't able to actually walk or even sit upright without being dizzy sick. I called my boss telling him that "I must have eaten something wrong" and took a day off of work. I stayed in bed for about another hour, then ate about 100 gramms of pickles and a tablespoon of rasperry jam to set my blood sugar straight.

Later I went to the doctor to get my sick certificate. Told her a story about ill colleagues and that I probably got contracted which she believed until she wanted to measure my blood pressure and saw my red bracelet. Stupid me forgot to give her the other arm... So she started asking annoying questions such as "You didn't do that on purpose - puking?" and "You're not falling back into old habits, do you?". Great. Of course I said that everything's fine, I eat regularly, therapy was great anyway, everybody including myself is oh-so-happy now and if I was throwing up on purpose she would be the last person I'd go to to complain about.

Anyway, back to the topic: I was on Kekwick for 2 days and 2 nights and I lost 2,4 kg (that's 5,3 lbs). That's more than I expected and it would have probably taken much longer with a liquid fast (coffee, diet pepsi, broth). Never did a water fast, so I am not sure about how Kekwick results are compared to that. But I think it was the one and only time I did Kekwick. It was really gross to eat all that fat and feel it in your stomach. And getting out of the fast wasn't nice, too. I think I'm just back to restricting...

Good ol' Madonna

Good old Madonna, 49 years now, looks more scary than ever. To have no fat on your body is adorable, no need to discuss that. But having no fat but more-than-Schwarzenegger-muscles is scary! Look at her arms! Is this still human or does she morphe like another "God of Pop" (you know who I mean) into some sort of transcendental alienated being? Is she still human or does her body consists of android machine parts nowadays? Is this what the pop music business does to you?

Day 2

8:34 a.m.:
I am tired, I am thirsty, and I'm thinner. Wasn't able to get on the scale this morning, but my pair of jeans feels not so tight anymore! I won't be able to get near food (thus macadamia) until the early afternoon and I hope I can make it through my second day. I feel a slight feeling of hunger, but I hope I can "drink it away".

4:08 p.m.:
Passed the stress in the morning quite well, although I got a bit dizzy when I had to lift a lot. We had a press conference in the morning and I had to carry a lot of stuff (like roll ups, beamer, notebook, and so on). Wasn't so hungry and killed the feeling of hunger with a lot of water. Bought macadamia nuts at half past one and ate half of the can which actually didn't stop my hunger, but made it even grow. Had to hide the can in my bag now so that I stop and don't eat all nuts at once. Still a lot of hours to go until the day's over. And I know there will be more hunger soon...

6:54 p.m.:
Day two comes slowly to an end. Still about 10 nuts left, so this will be my dinner a little later. I feel tired and a bit dizzy, but ok anyway. I planned to come off Kekwick tomorrow, but obviously this won't work, since I have an appointment in the evening and I can't be at home until 10 pm or so. And I won't come off during the night when I maybe have to go to the washroom every half hour... So I'll have to add a fourth day and use the Thursday evening to get back to carbs again. This must end in a positive result then!

Day 1: Done!

Day one of the Kekwick Fat Fast is over in a couple of minutes. I just have to wait until my face mask is done, then I'm off to bed. I am doing the mask because I am afraid that all the fat I am consuming will make my skin look like a pizza... LOL

Anyway, how did it went so far?

I ate about 150 grammes of macadamia nuts which make about 1.000 calories. I drank about 2 litres of pure water and took some extra vitamin c and iron. I drank three small cups of coffee, which wasn't probably the best I could do, because I think the soy milk I added (although it was little) repressed the ketosis a bit. Now, about 6 hours after the last coffee I really can feel it work.

I am freezing as hell - just as if I was on the third day of a water fast. I am a bit tired, but I don't know if it has something to do with the Kekwick. Had a 12 hours office day today, so it's probably deriving from that workload. I am not hungry at all and I don't feel sick. Well, I did for a couple of hours right after the first hand full of nuts. They're so fat that my stomach was rebelling a bit. But it calmed down after about three hours.

I plan to stay for at least another day, maybe two on the Fat Fast. And I hope I lose a lot of weight like other people did with it.

I'm a bit afraid of coming off since I heard quite terrible stories of people hanging on the toilet for hours. Obviously your intestines start moving some hours after you first consumed carbs again. So I'll make sure I'll be at home at that time. Sorry if this sounds gross.. LOL

But off for now. I'm looking forward to sleep... and to what the scale will say tomorrow morning!

Old School Pro Ana - where art thou?

The world has changed. I got "old", kids wear Kurt Cobain T's although they weren't born when he died, and Pro-Ana forums ban people who share tips with others or look for fasting buddies. In almost every set of board rules in the "scene" you can smell the do-gooders... and I wonder why that happened. For me it's elementary to talk with others about how to solve this or that problem (which is receive a tip / get to know a trick). It's elementary to look for buddies to motivate one another when you've again hit the rock bottom.

Why is this proscribed nowadays?
Why did all these people who formerly were members of Pro-Ana Nation or whatever now pretend to be the big saviours of all?
Why all this lecturing?
What's left of "pro ana"? An empty word?

Reset & Restart

After some bad days of binging I really have to work harder on myself. I will start the "Christian Bale Diet with variation" on Monday and I hope to get back into my "pre-rehab" shape with it. The maximum of things to eat from Monday will be a can of tuna (or a substitute of max 120 calories -> http://www.nhs.uk/pages/gallery.html) and an apple. Drinking is limited to water, coffee and diet Pepsi. No fruit juices, no vegetable juices, no alcohol. When I eat less or even do fast - the better.

I hope so much I can finally overcome my rehab...

About failing

Yesterday I gave in to craving. And the whole thing ended in a major binge. I ate and ate and ate even my stomach ached. I just couldn't stop stuffing food in my mouth. And since I still haven't figured out how I can get rid off the food I ate (I just CAN'T throw up. My body simply refuses to give away the food once swallowed), everything stayed in my belly and made me fat. Aprox. 1.500 calories, it were. Package of ketchup flavoured potato crisps and several pieces of chocolate.

I am sooooo disappointed. I mean I really thought about not giving in. But nevertheless I just couldn't stop. I went to the shop nearby, bought the crisps, went home, got in bed, switched the tv on and started to stuff myself with the crisps. When the package was empty, I went to the kitchen and got the chocolate of my bf out of the fridge and ate it also. My stomach was already aching as hell and I wondered about myself how I just could go on and on. But I couldn't stop.

It was like observing me and my actions from the outside, like I was another person watching me.. Scary. But not as scary as all the food...

I am such a piece of crap. I just can't control myself. This binging has to stop NOW!
I must think of some sort of punishment for eating that much.

Craving

I would kill for a bag of potato crisps right now. I can even see me buying one in front of my inner eye. I can taste them, hear me chewing them! I think about when and where I could buy them, that I could eat them on my way home... I am CRAVING so much!

Please let me stay strong...

Friday

Yesterday I could avoid going to lunch with my colleagues, today it will be way more difficult. Actually today should have been my green tea day because the weekend will be "fat" again, having to eat with my bf all the time.

I am not sure yet how to get out of this. Maybe by simply pretending to have eaten already and then take only a drink.. Or a soup or something... And eat nothing more for the whole day then. Not the best, but at least a solution.

Read about the "Christian Bale Diet" yesterday. He lost like 27 kilogrammes by eating only one can of tuna and an apple a day for two months.. And I read about this Argentinian model who lived on apples and tomatoes. Maybe I should try something similar instead of fasting...

A really bad day

This day is probably one of the worst ever. Ate more than 500 cals so far:

Scrambled eggs: 240
Pickles: 48
Fruit Milk: 215

This is total HORROR! What a fat ass I am. Completely lost control and still I am hungry. The last two days were great, I had under 50 cals each and now I screwed it up with 500! And these 500 will be 600 or 700 by the end of the day. That sucks badly!

I don't even dare to get close to the scale during the next days...

Solid food is the devil!

I hardly ever binge as long as I do not consume solid food. So, as often as possible I reduce my intake to liquids, such as diet pepsi, water, coffee, low fat or soy milk and miso soup.

Solid food is the devil. Don't give him a chance to destroy you!

HBO: Thin

"Eating disorders affect five million people in the U.S., and more than 10% of those diagnosed with anorexia nervosa will die from the disease. Seeking to put a human face on these sobering statistics, acclaimed photographer Lauren Greenfield went inside a Florida treatment center to tell the stories of four women who are literally dying to be thin. The devastating HBO documentary THIN reveals what she found there - and explores the issues underlying their illness."

A must see for everyone:

Part 1
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pnZ8dt2W7Lc
Part 2
http://youtube.com/watch?v=RGKGxfnG1FI
Part 3
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GIP9_8vpbYI
Part 4
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nake1jdcAMM
Part 5
http://youtube.com/watch?v=e3o9XeTPP4Y
Part 6
http://youtube.com/watch?v=m9fzQaSl72A
Part 7
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KhDWaK3EyWU
Part 8
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mnNUcuHUuVE
Part 9
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mQHEhkXbdto
Part 10
http://youtube.com/watch?v=p_ldGxTEScM
Part 11
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_o_VCmHo1iY

Me and my life

Ok, this is my first entry in my Journal. Not sure what to write, to be honest. Maybe I'll give some you some info first:

I'm Leni. I'm originally from Sweden, but I am currently living in Austria. I went here to study after school, got back to Malmö afterwards and then again I am here. I am anorexic and spend the last ten month in rehab - hopping on and off.

I did the rehab because my family and friends wanted it that way and I couldn't bear their sadness any longer. I did it for them so that they don't worry anymore. Or at least less.

I gained a lot of pounds during that time and everybody was happy. Everybody except me. Now that the treatment is over, I am back to my old habits.

After this long time of rehab with several stays in closed treatment and many attemps of brainwashing me I am still not able and especially not willing to let loose my ED. Quite the contrary: After gaining so unbelievably much during that time I am even more panicking and determined to lose weight.

I know that most people (even on pro-ana forums) want to help me with comments like "you're going to make it" and "it's not so bad to have a binge once in a while" , but sometimes I feel like beeing in treatment again when people tell me that everything's fine and everything will be ok although I just ate 800 cals of chocolate.

I know that these people want to calm me down and that the reaction I get is actually the best for me and my health and my mind and everything, but nevertheless it feels so wrong... Because I know that it is not ok for me to ruin my life by eating chocolate and gaining weight from it.

I am hard to myself - because this is the only way I can make clear to myself where my goal is and what I aim for.

I do love my ED, I do love being an ana and I do love having control and so being better than all the fat cows out there stuffing food in their mouths. And I don't want to get rid off that.

Others get satisfied by buying shoes, by eating chocolate, by winning a race, by getting good grades, by earning lots of money... I get satisfied by making it through the day without food.

So, yes, I'll go on visiting pro-ana forums and websites, and I am thankful for the support I got and still get there. But I also need "other" support. Support from people who do really understand and accept my view. And I don't know where and if I can get it.

I feel so alone and I really would need people to talk to who think and feel in the same way I do. Poeple who don't want to cure me.


***

Placebo - Running Up That Hill - a cover of a Kate Bush classic. Listen and enjoy!