2008/03/09

Ruined

I am such a failure. I am such a failure, embarrassing for myself and everyone else. I cry everytime I think back to the days before being in the clinic. I had total control of my intake, I had no hunger pains anymore, I was strong, I hardly ever binged. Now, that I got through a ten month brainwash I am the most horrible person ever walked on earth. I am binging like once a week, I cannot control what I eat or just for a few days, I am weak, I am FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT! I sit at home and EAT and although I feel horrible while doing so, I can't stop but go on. I am the sickest and most disgusting person ever, ugly, fat, gross. Even my skin gets bad due to all the sweet stuff I am stuffing in my mouth and I don't even dare to try on my jeans, I am sure they will be skin tight. And I am still craving for food.

This fricking therapy has completely ruined me. I am a wrack. What can I do to overcome this weakness? How can I get back to what I was and wanted to be? How can I be strong again when everything, even my own mind, is against me?

I can't go on like this anymore. It's a more than month now that I am home again and I am still not in control again! I can't bear it anymore. I really can't.

1 comment:

vive42 said...

wish i knew what to tell you. the one thing i can promise from long, hard experience is that if you keep chasing after something long enough you are certain to catch it.

i've had months and months at a time when i could do nothing but binge. and then one day something would click and i'd be restricting like a pro again! i don't know how to make it happen but i know for a fact it will eventually happen if you keep reaching for it.

good luck, chick.