Yet, it doesn't feel like I am doing it right. It feels like failing all the time.
Yesterday I had three cookies, alltogether 500 cals. Nevertheless I lost 100 g over night. I am now at 52.7 kg (116 lbs). I want to reach 43. So almost 9 kg to go.
When I've reached 48 I can meet people like my gorgeous friend again. 48 was the weight she saw me with. I can't meet her with more fat on my hips. I'd prefer to meet her again when I am even below 48. I wish I was 43 now, I wish I'd look pale and skinny, and we'd meet then. And she'd say "You look scary thin and sick". I would be so proud of myself. But reaching 43 will take ages...
1.800 to 2.100 needed
600 cals consumed
= 1.200 to 1.500 negative calorie balance
How fast will I lose when I go on like this?
You know the friend who's the perfect edition of me. The one I try to avoid as long as I am fat and ugly and so far away from my goal. She lives about 350 km away.
Today, at "lunchbreak", I was walking along the shopping street close to my workplace.
And suddenly I saw her. On my side of the street, approaching me. I instantly put down my head, crossed the street, but I probably stared at her for a while, not believing what I was seeing, from a distance of about 20 metres. I am not sure if she saw me, she didn't call my name, followed me and texted me or something. But probably she did. Very probably.
The worst thing was: I WAS EATING!!
Why could this happen? She here, in my town, at the exact same time at the exact same place?
I throw away the food. Had about 300 cals so far today. Trained of 400 already by biking 20 kilometers to work, will train off another 400 by riding home and another 300 by running for about 45 minutes. Nevertheless I won't eat anything more today. What I already ate feels like a stone inside my stomach. I wish I could purge it. I can't since I am at work. I hate myself for being so weak and eat. I hate myself for allwoing myself to be seen eating. I hate myself for letting me grow that fat. I hate myself for almost crashing into my best friend and let her see what a fat bitch I am. I HATE me for everything I am and do.
I won't eat anything more today. I won't.
So week tow is starting tomorrow. Week two of finally being in control again. Slowly the "Ana Feeling" is coming back. I lost the fear of food, I always felt guilty after eating, but I lost the fear. And I lost the feeling for what is too much and what is ok. I got everything back now. And I could embrace the world.
Maybe I'll really make it to 45 before Christmas. Maybe I might even be able to reach 42 by then. 42 - that would be a BMI of 16.8. Much better than my friend (you know, the one who is my idol, who is just perfect) who is at 17.6. 44 kg would make me 17.6. So I must get below that. Goal adjusted to 42. Let's go there, fat bitch. Make yourself happy.
i define myself by my body and weight. every kilo less makes me "better", allows me a little more to accept and believe what others say, accept and believe it's true what they say - and not a lie. now i am fat, now i hate myself, now i can't believe that anyone else can love me while i am disgusted by my appearance.
deep inside i know that my body image might be distorted. that my definition of "beautiful" probably doesn't fit everyone else's. but i also know that i cannot become happy with how and what i currently am.
48 would be awesome for a start. i remember weighing 48 kilos. i looked "ok". not gorgeous, still chubby, but not as fat as now. 45 would be the next step. the last time i weighed 45 kilos was when i was 14, i guess; 17 years ago. final goal would be 42. the number must appear flawless on the scale. 40 might look even better. or 39. fuck, 39. i am fantasizing. stop. i'd never make it to 39. utopistic. but 48. 45. 42. that might work. it must work.
- do not eat after 10 p.m.
- do not eat more than 150 cals at once
- do not eat more often than once every two hours
- do not eat fat at all
- do not eat sugar, except fruit sugar
- do not eat chocolate in any form or shape, no matter what
- do not have yoghurt drinks - they won't fill your stomach, are consumed to fast, have large amount of cals, and come in too big sizes
- do not eat dairy products with more than 0,1 % fat
- eat fruit / drink diet coke to tame your sweet tooth
- eat vegetables to fill your stomach
- eat meat only if necessary; get your protein from dairy products
- drink 0.2 litres of water before every meal
- drink 2 litres of pure water everyday
- drink 2 cups of nettle tea to dehydrate and detox every day
- drink 1 - 2 sugarfree energy drinks every day to keep your metabolism high
- excercise for at least an hour everyday (running, biking)
- do 100 situps every day before going to work
- try to be in motion as often as possible, even if it's just swinging your foot
- do not take public transport, but go everywhere by bike or foot
Tomorrow is the first weigh in (at PAM's Café - Thin for summer competition) after the competition started. I am quite scared because I really was too often too weak last week. This is why I created my new rules. The upcoming days must be better, my weight loss at the next weigh in must be much more than this time. I really hope to get down to 50 (and maybe even below) within the next 8 days. This MUST be doable.
It's really, really difficult right now to withstand the temptation to just shop a huge mass of chocolate and eat it within minutes. I am such a fat pig...
The big amount of caffeine keeps my metab high, additionally I am doing a lot of excercising (biking, running, situps).
I eat fruit, vegetables and fat free milk products like cottage cheese and yoghurt for having enough protein in my meals to be able to go on excercising.
My calorie intake is varies between 0 (one fasting day a week) and 800 cals. This variation also is good for your metabolism and stops it from slowing down.
I am always trying to stay below the max cals per day, though. That allows me to have an "extra snack" in the evening sometimes when I got "spare cals" to use up.
On Monday is weigh in. I won't step on the scale before that day. I hope I see a change then.
_I want to be thin, very thin
_25 inch jeans should look loose
_I want to be skinnier than my friend Y.
_I want to get rid off most of my body fat
_I want to have pencil legs
_I want a stick figure
_I want to see sinews and muscles under my skin
_I want people to notice that I get less and less
_I want people to see and say that I am thin
_I want a huge gab between my thighs
_I want a sharp edged face
_I want to be able to live on oxygen
I'd like to start a challenge. A serious one. Someone's gonna up to join? Lose as many pounds as possible. I'm at 116 now. By the end of July I want to be 105 max.
I would do anything to be thin. Anything. I'd take any med that supports weightloss. Ephedrinee - don't care about if it's dangerous. I'd take drugs. Junkies are always tiny. I've seen these speed queens and cocaine ladies in the tube stations and in dark corners. They've pencil legs and stick figures. I want that, too. And I'd do anything for it.
I tried all these otc drugs. Hoodia, Trimspa. Whatever. Nothing really helped losing weight. Restricting, Fasting, Excercising, sure. But I thought these drugs would increase and speed up the weight loss. Nothing happened. Nothing worked.
I finally want a real, a working weight loss drug. No matter if it's healthy or dangerous - it must just work! That's all I want from it.
First some background info: My friend is a recovered anorexic of my age. She's 1,72m tall.
She wanted to cheer me up by telling me the following story of which I give you an excerpt now:
"[...] Probably I'll never have a "normal" body image and I am still proud that I am thin. I have no problem with cooking and eating - but I also have no problem with not eating from time to time. My comfortable weight is at 52 kilos. I don't need less, but if it gets more, woe me! Then I feel fat again. It's weird, but I know I'll never ever get rid off that fear again. I just learned to live with it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not, but I never want to weigh 45 kilos again.[...]"
WTF? 52 kg (114 lbs) at 1,72 m (5'6 ft)?
50 kg (110 lbs) is what I am forced to weigh in every fricking therapy I made!
And I am 5'2 ft!!
I am really shocked. I mean I know she's thin. I know she's much thinner than I am. But when I read the number today, it hit me like a hammer. If I want to be comparable to her I must weigh 40 kg (88 lbs). And I really must be that thin. I MUST be. There's no way around it and there's no comment or advice that will keep me from this idea. It might be dangerous, because I want to lose as fast as possible. I know that. And I know that I might gain that weight back as fast as I lost it. Please don't tell me that it is not neccessary to lose this much this fast, please don't tell me that it is dangerous, please don't tell me things like that. I know all this. I know the dangers, I know the risks, I know that this weight is low and that it's not healthy and all that sh*t. But I am determined. There's nothing that can erase this idea.
And now I need your help. Please help me.
I am 110 lbs now - how long do you think will it take to get down to 88?
Will restricting and doing sports be enough?
How many cals would you suggest to lose as fast as possible?
Is fasting the ultimate solution?
I should set interim goals - which steps are plausible / doable?
I mean I once was there. I was even below that weight. But it took me sooooo long to get there. It took ages to get down to 70 lbs. I don't want it to take ages to get down to 88 lbs. I know that losing fast is not the best way to lose. But I have no other choice. I can't wait anylonger. I don't know what I do when I stay fat.
Please help me. I am desperate. I don't think I can do it alone.
I can't stand being that fat anymore. This fricking therapy screwed everything up. I can't go on like this. I really need your help. Please...
Sorry guys for leaving you for such a long time. Had a really bad spring. In all these years with Ana I never felt so desperate and lonely and hopeless like earlier this year. It went straight downwards from late March and "ended" with my attempt to end my life. After taking huge amounts of pills and making endless cuts on my arms, legs, belly, I "luckily" woke up in an hospital bed, intravenous drips in my arms, a sore throat, headaches and lots and lots of patches on my skin.
Until today I do not know if I should be happy with the result, if I should be happy that I am still alive. I still don't know if my story took the better turn by "going on" instead of "ending". Will I ever?
But now that I am here, I have to deal with it - for now. So here we go again, reset, restart all over again. The battle begins, eight kilos have to go. As fast as possible. Now.
I am sick. Cold. Fever. Everything. 260 cals intake today. 500 burned off by bking and situps. I just can't stop excercising even when I am ill.
Tomorrow I'll meet my friend. The one I told you about. The friend who did not reply to emails. She called me like eight times and finally I picked up the phone and talked to her. She was busy travelling through the whole country (she's working like everywhere these days) and hadn't access to her email account every day. Anyway, she stops by here on Sunday and we will meet. She cried on the phone yesterday because she was so scared I could... end all this... and she wasn't there for me.
I am strangly afraid of seing her. Like at our first meeting because she is so beautiful and thin and I am not. I always tend to feel like the uggly duckling next to her. There's always this huge discrepance between loving to have her around (since she literally is the ONLY ONE who ever understood and I really love her as a friend) and feeling bad after meeting her because at some point I always start thinking "Why can't I be more like her?"
There was a weird situation in the office on Friday: We're three people in one room, a man, two women. The other girl said that she trained for 45 minutes on the ergo bike the evening before and the boy said (funny): "Yes, I already wanted to tell you that you look thinner!". I answered (also as a joke): "I am training like hell every f*cking day and you never told me that I look thin!". Both replied: "You're already a stick figure anyway. There is nothing to lose. And if you would lose, we wouln't tell you our congrats, but send you to hospital."
I went to the bathroom straight afterwards to look in the mirror - and still there was this fat monster. I wonder how blind people can be to see me thin...
Today I am back on my treadmill, and on Friday I plan a long bike training session. My bf is not at home so I can spend the night on the trainer and plan to do 200 mins (1.730 cals).
My plan concerning the food is to stick to cottage cheese and apples and broth with occasionally vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, and carrotts). I try to vary the amount, though, to keep my metabolism high, and drink two energy drinks a day (sugarfree).
I really do hope I finally lose now. I mean I feel my jeans getting more loose, but the weight on the scale doesn't go down. I know it's probably due to gaining muscles, but I really need to see a "good" number...
I feel so out of control. It's the worst feeling ever. I am so afraid of fricking gaining.... I don't know what happened to me. Where all the will power has gone to. I remember the days when I was strong enough to just not eat. But I can't even can get through a one day fast these days.
How can you all do it??
I just can't stay away from food. And even if it's "good" food, like apples and cottage cheese, both have no fat and little calories and apples even take almost the same amount of cals they contain to be digested - it just scares the hell out of me. Nevertheless I can't stop!!!
So wtf am I doing wrong?
What's wrong with me?
I first thought it's because of the inreased training I do to get in shape for the race in May. I mean during the 100 minutes on the Minoura trainer I burn about 850 cals. This almost equals what I eat. My body needs 1200 cals to maintain. So even if I ate 1.000 cals - would that still be a negative balance? I mean, I know the numbers, I can calculate, but it still feels as if I eat too much to lose.
Burn of 850
= 250 remain
My body needs 1.200
I eat 1.000
equals - 200
Also minus 850 of training
equals - 950???
So I have a negative balance, haven't I?
Actually yes... BUT I HAVE EATEN 1.000 CALORIES!!
That's way, way, way, way too much! I should only eat 400 cals. Or a max of 500 cals. I mean I can't lose weight by eating 800 cals a day!! How should that work out?
I am totally fucked up. I can't think clearly anymore. I am sooo afraid of not losing weight. It totally driving me crazy!
I wish I could be like you... who just don't eat. I can't. I simply can't make me stop eating.