when everything's perfect - but you

everything's fuckin' perfect: i'm deeply in love, i am deeply loved, i've brilliant friends, i got a nice flat, i've a job and get payed every month, i can afford my little luxury. but i don't fit in.

everytime someone tells me "you're stunning", "what you do is awesome", or "you're pretty" i can only take it as a lie. not a mean one, though. a kind one, to spirit me, to make me happy, to calm me down. but nevertheless a lie. the reason? i feel ugly. uglier than the ugliest person on earth. i am the most ugliest of them all.

i define myself by my body and weight. every kilo less makes me "better", allows me a little more to accept and believe what others say, accept and believe it's true what they say - and not a lie. now i am fat, now i hate myself, now i can't believe that anyone else can love me while i am disgusted by my appearance.

deep inside i know that my body image might be distorted. that my definition of "beautiful" probably doesn't fit everyone else's. but i also know that i cannot become happy with how and what i currently am.

48 would be awesome for a start. i remember weighing 48 kilos. i looked "ok". not gorgeous, still chubby, but not as fat as now. 45 would be the next step. the last time i weighed 45 kilos was when i was 14, i guess; 17 years ago. final goal would be 42. the number must appear flawless on the scale. 40 might look even better. or 39. fuck, 39. i am fantasizing. stop. i'd never make it to 39. utopistic. but 48. 45. 42. that might work. it must work.


bec said...

Oh Leni don't do 39. 45 is great. I love 45. I was 45 in 1993 (aged 12) on the 25th of November 1997(aged 16)! And one month ago (aged 28). Now I am 50 and can't stand to be in my body. I got depressed in Berlin and lost my way. I am that weak. I would love to work towards 45 with you. I need to be accountable. When you get below 40 your organs start to shut down, including your brain, and that is when they put you on nasogastric feeding and make you fat under LAW. It is horrible beyond belief. 45 is small, beautiful and they can't touch you. x

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