Dr. Phil - Deadly Thin

This is the story of Aimee, 28 years old, suffering from anorexia and bulimia. She weighs only 60 pounds and purges up to 150 times a day after everything she eats. She was in rehab for several times, but never got any positive results from it. Finally, the last therapist called her "untreatable". See the documentary in five parts on youtube.com

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

Control or controlled?

I stepped as usual on the scale this morning. And I did not lose a pound.
A million things went through my head. The dominant one was: "You are not trying hard enough."

This is a really ugly feeling and makes you do a lot of things that may appear neurotic, actually. Like speaking to yourself all the time when you're alone, telling yourself that you're a fat cow and you'll always be fat as long as you don't reach like 87 pounds. And that you won't reach 87 pounds by doing what you're doing right now (eat less than 500 cals a day) because you've seen this morning that you don't lose a single pound.

Panic sneaks into your life, creeping up your back and makes itself comfortable as your permanent escort.

I know that this is wrong. The whole thing, generally. But I also know that I can't stop with it until I reached my goal. I have control over my food, my eating habits. But I have none over my thoughts. I feel as if I was remote-controlled by a higher force that deceitful hides behind the impression that I am doing what I want to do. Weird? Even weirder is that I don't want to do anything about it...


Back again

Yesterday I talked to a girl I was in rehab with. We met by chance on the street when I was going home from the doctor. She was with her mother and both recognized me early. Her mother immediately started to chat: "How beautiful her daughter looks, how shiny, how fresh and full of life again!" And I just thought that her tights got fat. Damn fat.

Generally I started measuring people with my eyes again. Everyone I met and see. This is something I made before rehab. Now it's back. And so it only took 2 1/2 weeks to get my mind back in pre-rehab shape. Woohoo.

2 1/2 weeks and I am back to restricting and even fasting, back to stepping ritually on the scale, back to drinking 3 sips of water after every bite I take. On one hand I am sad about it. Not for me, actually, but for my family and friends, who tried there best and hoped so much that these month in rehab would succeed.

I know it's my fault. All is my fault. But I am so egoistic at the moment that I care much for my well-being than the one of others.


Off of Kekwick

Today I got off of Kekwick. Not really voluntarily ( I planned it for a bit later), but there was nothing to do about. Actually I just broke down.

I woke up an hour before the alarm clock rang. My heart was pounding, I felt hot and cold at the same time. I rolled from one side of the bed to the other, then suddenly I felt that I had to puke. So I jumped up and just toppled down as soon as I stood on my feet. So I crawled to the toilet and spent about half an hour there, throwing up water and rests of macadamia nuts. Disgusting.

Afterwards I crawled back to bed since I still wasn't able to actually walk or even sit upright without being dizzy sick. I called my boss telling him that "I must have eaten something wrong" and took a day off of work. I stayed in bed for about another hour, then ate about 100 gramms of pickles and a tablespoon of rasperry jam to set my blood sugar straight.

Later I went to the doctor to get my sick certificate. Told her a story about ill colleagues and that I probably got contracted which she believed until she wanted to measure my blood pressure and saw my red bracelet. Stupid me forgot to give her the other arm... So she started asking annoying questions such as "You didn't do that on purpose - puking?" and "You're not falling back into old habits, do you?". Great. Of course I said that everything's fine, I eat regularly, therapy was great anyway, everybody including myself is oh-so-happy now and if I was throwing up on purpose she would be the last person I'd go to to complain about.

Anyway, back to the topic: I was on Kekwick for 2 days and 2 nights and I lost 2,4 kg (that's 5,3 lbs). That's more than I expected and it would have probably taken much longer with a liquid fast (coffee, diet pepsi, broth). Never did a water fast, so I am not sure about how Kekwick results are compared to that. But I think it was the one and only time I did Kekwick. It was really gross to eat all that fat and feel it in your stomach. And getting out of the fast wasn't nice, too. I think I'm just back to restricting...


Good ol' Madonna

Good old Madonna, 49 years now, looks more scary than ever. To have no fat on your body is adorable, no need to discuss that. But having no fat but more-than-Schwarzenegger-muscles is scary! Look at her arms! Is this still human or does she morphe like another "God of Pop" (you know who I mean) into some sort of transcendental alienated being? Is she still human or does her body consists of android machine parts nowadays? Is this what the pop music business does to you?

Day 2

8:34 a.m.:
I am tired, I am thirsty, and I'm thinner. Wasn't able to get on the scale this morning, but my pair of jeans feels not so tight anymore! I won't be able to get near food (thus macadamia) until the early afternoon and I hope I can make it through my second day. I feel a slight feeling of hunger, but I hope I can "drink it away".

4:08 p.m.:
Passed the stress in the morning quite well, although I got a bit dizzy when I had to lift a lot. We had a press conference in the morning and I had to carry a lot of stuff (like roll ups, beamer, notebook, and so on). Wasn't so hungry and killed the feeling of hunger with a lot of water. Bought macadamia nuts at half past one and ate half of the can which actually didn't stop my hunger, but made it even grow. Had to hide the can in my bag now so that I stop and don't eat all nuts at once. Still a lot of hours to go until the day's over. And I know there will be more hunger soon...

6:54 p.m.:
Day two comes slowly to an end. Still about 10 nuts left, so this will be my dinner a little later. I feel tired and a bit dizzy, but ok anyway. I planned to come off Kekwick tomorrow, but obviously this won't work, since I have an appointment in the evening and I can't be at home until 10 pm or so. And I won't come off during the night when I maybe have to go to the washroom every half hour... So I'll have to add a fourth day and use the Thursday evening to get back to carbs again. This must end in a positive result then!


Day 1: Done!

Day one of the Kekwick Fat Fast is over in a couple of minutes. I just have to wait until my face mask is done, then I'm off to bed. I am doing the mask because I am afraid that all the fat I am consuming will make my skin look like a pizza... LOL

Anyway, how did it went so far?

I ate about 150 grammes of macadamia nuts which make about 1.000 calories. I drank about 2 litres of pure water and took some extra vitamin c and iron. I drank three small cups of coffee, which wasn't probably the best I could do, because I think the soy milk I added (although it was little) repressed the ketosis a bit. Now, about 6 hours after the last coffee I really can feel it work.

I am freezing as hell - just as if I was on the third day of a water fast. I am a bit tired, but I don't know if it has something to do with the Kekwick. Had a 12 hours office day today, so it's probably deriving from that workload. I am not hungry at all and I don't feel sick. Well, I did for a couple of hours right after the first hand full of nuts. They're so fat that my stomach was rebelling a bit. But it calmed down after about three hours.

I plan to stay for at least another day, maybe two on the Fat Fast. And I hope I lose a lot of weight like other people did with it.

I'm a bit afraid of coming off since I heard quite terrible stories of people hanging on the toilet for hours. Obviously your intestines start moving some hours after you first consumed carbs again. So I'll make sure I'll be at home at that time. Sorry if this sounds gross.. LOL

But off for now. I'm looking forward to sleep... and to what the scale will say tomorrow morning!


Old School Pro Ana - where art thou?

The world has changed. I got "old", kids wear Kurt Cobain T's although they weren't born when he died, and Pro-Ana forums ban people who share tips with others or look for fasting buddies. In almost every set of board rules in the "scene" you can smell the do-gooders... and I wonder why that happened. For me it's elementary to talk with others about how to solve this or that problem (which is receive a tip / get to know a trick). It's elementary to look for buddies to motivate one another when you've again hit the rock bottom.

Why is this proscribed nowadays?
Why did all these people who formerly were members of Pro-Ana Nation or whatever now pretend to be the big saviours of all?
Why all this lecturing?
What's left of "pro ana"? An empty word?

Reset & Restart

After some bad days of binging I really have to work harder on myself. I will start the "Christian Bale Diet with variation" on Monday and I hope to get back into my "pre-rehab" shape with it. The maximum of things to eat from Monday will be a can of tuna (or a substitute of max 120 calories -> http://www.nhs.uk/pages/gallery.html) and an apple. Drinking is limited to water, coffee and diet Pepsi. No fruit juices, no vegetable juices, no alcohol. When I eat less or even do fast - the better.

I hope so much I can finally overcome my rehab...


About failing

Yesterday I gave in to craving. And the whole thing ended in a major binge. I ate and ate and ate even my stomach ached. I just couldn't stop stuffing food in my mouth. And since I still haven't figured out how I can get rid off the food I ate (I just CAN'T throw up. My body simply refuses to give away the food once swallowed), everything stayed in my belly and made me fat. Aprox. 1.500 calories, it were. Package of ketchup flavoured potato crisps and several pieces of chocolate.

I am sooooo disappointed. I mean I really thought about not giving in. But nevertheless I just couldn't stop. I went to the shop nearby, bought the crisps, went home, got in bed, switched the tv on and started to stuff myself with the crisps. When the package was empty, I went to the kitchen and got the chocolate of my bf out of the fridge and ate it also. My stomach was already aching as hell and I wondered about myself how I just could go on and on. But I couldn't stop.

It was like observing me and my actions from the outside, like I was another person watching me.. Scary. But not as scary as all the food...

I am such a piece of crap. I just can't control myself. This binging has to stop NOW!
I must think of some sort of punishment for eating that much.



I would kill for a bag of potato crisps right now. I can even see me buying one in front of my inner eye. I can taste them, hear me chewing them! I think about when and where I could buy them, that I could eat them on my way home... I am CRAVING so much!

Please let me stay strong...


Yesterday I could avoid going to lunch with my colleagues, today it will be way more difficult. Actually today should have been my green tea day because the weekend will be "fat" again, having to eat with my bf all the time.

I am not sure yet how to get out of this. Maybe by simply pretending to have eaten already and then take only a drink.. Or a soup or something... And eat nothing more for the whole day then. Not the best, but at least a solution.

Read about the "Christian Bale Diet" yesterday. He lost like 27 kilogrammes by eating only one can of tuna and an apple a day for two months.. And I read about this Argentinian model who lived on apples and tomatoes. Maybe I should try something similar instead of fasting...


A really bad day

This day is probably one of the worst ever. Ate more than 500 cals so far:

Scrambled eggs: 240
Pickles: 48
Fruit Milk: 215

This is total HORROR! What a fat ass I am. Completely lost control and still I am hungry. The last two days were great, I had under 50 cals each and now I screwed it up with 500! And these 500 will be 600 or 700 by the end of the day. That sucks badly!

I don't even dare to get close to the scale during the next days...


Solid food is the devil!

I hardly ever binge as long as I do not consume solid food. So, as often as possible I reduce my intake to liquids, such as diet pepsi, water, coffee, low fat or soy milk and miso soup.

Solid food is the devil. Don't give him a chance to destroy you!

HBO: Thin

"Eating disorders affect five million people in the U.S., and more than 10% of those diagnosed with anorexia nervosa will die from the disease. Seeking to put a human face on these sobering statistics, acclaimed photographer Lauren Greenfield went inside a Florida treatment center to tell the stories of four women who are literally dying to be thin. The devastating HBO documentary THIN reveals what she found there - and explores the issues underlying their illness."

A must see for everyone:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Part 11

Me and my life

Ok, this is my first entry in my Journal. Not sure what to write, to be honest. Maybe I'll give some you some info first:

I'm Leni. I'm originally from Sweden, but I am currently living in Austria. I went here to study after school, got back to Malmö afterwards and then again I am here. I am anorexic and spend the last ten month in rehab - hopping on and off.

I did the rehab because my family and friends wanted it that way and I couldn't bear their sadness any longer. I did it for them so that they don't worry anymore. Or at least less.

I gained a lot of pounds during that time and everybody was happy. Everybody except me. Now that the treatment is over, I am back to my old habits.

After this long time of rehab with several stays in closed treatment and many attemps of brainwashing me I am still not able and especially not willing to let loose my ED. Quite the contrary: After gaining so unbelievably much during that time I am even more panicking and determined to lose weight.

I know that most people (even on pro-ana forums) want to help me with comments like "you're going to make it" and "it's not so bad to have a binge once in a while" , but sometimes I feel like beeing in treatment again when people tell me that everything's fine and everything will be ok although I just ate 800 cals of chocolate.

I know that these people want to calm me down and that the reaction I get is actually the best for me and my health and my mind and everything, but nevertheless it feels so wrong... Because I know that it is not ok for me to ruin my life by eating chocolate and gaining weight from it.

I am hard to myself - because this is the only way I can make clear to myself where my goal is and what I aim for.

I do love my ED, I do love being an ana and I do love having control and so being better than all the fat cows out there stuffing food in their mouths. And I don't want to get rid off that.

Others get satisfied by buying shoes, by eating chocolate, by winning a race, by getting good grades, by earning lots of money... I get satisfied by making it through the day without food.

So, yes, I'll go on visiting pro-ana forums and websites, and I am thankful for the support I got and still get there. But I also need "other" support. Support from people who do really understand and accept my view. And I don't know where and if I can get it.

I feel so alone and I really would need people to talk to who think and feel in the same way I do. Poeple who don't want to cure me.


Placebo - Running Up That Hill - a cover of a Kate Bush classic. Listen and enjoy!