How could you not...

Two hours ago I had dinner (one slice of bread with yoghurt cheese and a slice of sweet pepper) and was prosecuted with heavy stomach ache soon afterwards.

It's not just my head who refuses to eat.

How can you not hate food in moments like these, when you are convulsed with pain, when everything hurts and it feels like your tummy would be torn apart? How can you not wish for never ever having to eat again?

Getting more and more afraid

After the start of the week with 65 calories I ended it up with 440 yesterday. And I am sad and disgustet about it! While others say (and my ratio, too), that everything below 500 is still very, very little, I am in shock! How could I allow myself to eat that much during the week when I'm actually supposed to eat almost nothing because I will stuff myself with food on the weekend!? How I again ruined the whole week and even the 30 minutes jog yesterday evening will not make my failure undone.

See? This is what I am thinking since I got down to 65. This is what finally has become of me again (!) after finishing IP. I am back where I was a year ago. I am back where I belong. I am no longer forbidding me to eat although I learnt to like the taste of food, I am forbidding me to eat because I am afraid of calories.

I feel unbelievably strong and great and powerful and over-the-top! Now it seems as if I've finally passed this effin' invisible border that kept me from losing weight again, from shaping my body after my ideal of beauty. I've done it. Now it can start again...



I planned to stick below 200 cals today and ended up with 65. Had quite a lot of stress at work and there was no time to eat anything at all. So I just had coffee and one of these small Optiwell yoghurt thingys. Got very dizzy on my way home, so I skipped the planned jog, but it's snowing and freezing over here anyway. Would have had a hard time running in the -8 °C cold storm...

Anyway - this was a promising start of the pre-easter-weightloss-phase.


This is no cryptical number, but my life. Everything circles around these numbers. They specify how much I eat and when I do eat it. 200 cals on Monday, 400 cals on Tuesday, 200 cals on Wednesday, 400 cals on Thursday, 200 cals on Friday, 800 cals on Saturday and Sunday. 800 cals are already a huge challenge and always linked with a big inner struggle, with disgust, horror, and a lot of stress. But I must keep my metabolism high with that, so that it doesn't go into starvation mode and I don't lose anything anymore. And I also do it, because I have a magical weight border I don't want to go below. I am older, wiser and more realistic than I was with 15 or 16: I don't want to have a BMI about 13 anymore.

But in times like these, after an "Easter Binge", the plan mentioned above is suspended. Liquid fasting is what it's all about now. Coffee, low fat milk, maybe a bit of chicken or vegetable broth, maybe an Optiwell drink (42 cals each! Eeeek!) and lots of diet coke to still the craving for sweets.

200 cals max until the end of the week. That should almost undo the ultimate worse case scenerio of this year's Easter. Together with the 2 times a week running and the daily situp routine, of course. Nothing comes from nothing.


Feeling Yourself

The knife on my arm. The gentle pain when it touches my skin, cleaving. When the first tear of red blood grows, then melts away, I can feel its warmth also on my outside. The burning that slowly starts, becomes stronger and ends up being the only sentience at all. It makes me shiver, avaricious, wanting more. That's my lust.


The devil in me

Concerning a debate at mamaVision (about viewing other people and judging them) I started to think about myself and found out: I am mean, arrogant, superficial, cynic, close-minded, and generally not nice when it comes to people and food. I think bad of people who are fat, of people who eat much (IMHO) or just sweets or fast food, of corpulent people who say "I feel good with my body" because I am sure they don't and just pretend to be ok to avoid facing the problem that they actually have to diet, I find it disgusting to have to see fat people in the tube, the bus, on the streets, in the shopping mall. I've got many prejudices such as fat people lack discipline, control, a strong mind, health, and aesthetic sensation. Of course I also belong to these group of people, to the fat ones, so I am also not nice to myself.

I always try to hold back my thoughts (and words!) when I have to talk to a fat person - or see one. Or see someone eating chocolate, or a burger, or french fries. But it's hardly ever possible to not at least think "yuck!".

Am I a mean person now? Am I personally to blame for my distorted mind? If so - am I also personally to blame for not eating? I doubt that someone would attack me because I refuse food. But lots of people attack me because my point of view. Where's the line between "this is the illness" and "this is you"? Don't both examples come from the same source, which is ANA?

Drunkorexia - not for me

First there was diabulimia. Now there is drunkorexia -- another new and buzzworthy term for some not-so-new behavior: self-imposed starvation or bingeing and purging, combined with alcohol abuse. According to this report on The Morning Show, 30% of US women ages 18-23 restrict food calories so they can drink more and not gain weight from their alcohol consumption.

Let me think: One glass of beer would equal my calorie intake of a day. So to be an "drunkorexic" I'd skip all my food and just drink that beer. And would probably end up sunk down in a corner being totally drunk.

For whom does this work? Alcohol has loads of calories - no one, except binge-eaters maybe, would be able to eat anything anymore when they want to drink a white russian, a mojito or a beer in the evening!



Today my boss is celebrating his birthday and inviting everybody for lunch. He ordered a million sandwiches and there will be an hour of partying with all colleagues. A challenge I am scared of and which I don't know how to pass yet. Probably I'll take my lunchbreak before and pretend to have eaten already. So I can avoid the bread, which is, as we all know, evil. But I won't be able to skip the toast. And I really don't want to drink a single drop of sparkling wine which has almost 100 cals per serving! As an alternative there will be orange juice which has about half the cals on the same size than the sparkling wine. But also these 50 cals will make my day's intake become awful.

Oh my god, I haven't been so scared of eating for a very long time now. I already freaked out this morning when I found out that we don't order low fat milk for the office any longer. My colleagues were completely irritated by my anger and I felt like I had revealed my food problem in front of everybody now.

I am confused and happy at the same time, though. It's the first obvious incident of getting back to ana after being an "out-of-control-fatass" for almost a year now. Will it be just a short interlude before the next binge or is it really - hopefully - serious?

Passed the challenge - successfully! Not even orange juice! And no one even noticed that I did not eat or drink anything. I'm happy and relieved. Looking at the munching mass of people and the disgusting high calorie sandwiches they ate (all white bread, mayonnaise, salami, salmon, butter, etc.) made me actually sick - not hungry myself. I am really getting better now.


News on the Pro-Ana front

In the last days the discussion about pro-ana forums became a hot topic again. Concerning the debate about closing pro-ana related website, news from Israel do now arrive: An agressive campaign to shut down pro-ana blogs has been taking place in the popular Israeli portal "Israblog". There have been numerous online conversation for and against banning of these sites. Ilana, a representative of the Israeli portal, responded to the petition calling to close down blogs that encourage anorexia. Here is a translation of her response:

"Israblog is a network of blogs created to provide every person with the means to express themselves as long as it abides by the country’s laws. Our motto, ‘life is here’, refers to all aspects of life, even the more hurtful sides can be expressed here. Any person can own a blog through our system, even if their self perception is problematic or if their body fat percentage is lower than the norm.

The second, and more important reason, is that we do not believe that erasing blogs will have a positive effect. On the contrary, it may be damaging. We realize that there exist other blogging platforms which erase this type of content, however we strongly believe that if we act in a similar manner, we will simply pass this ‘burning hot potato’ onwards without actually making positive change.

We agree that these blogs are problematic, but they also represent a true call for help. And it is best that this call will be heard here, in Israblog, a place where there are attentive listeners and arms ready to reach out and help, rather than a lonely, underground or extreme space.

One must remember that it is not possible to help someone with eating disorders by shutting her mouth. It is possible to help by providing an opposing voice, anti-anorectic, anti-bolemic.

This is precisely why we contact the psychologist Liran Rogev, from the Shahaf organization, who created the blog winning over eating disorders. In this blog, Liran describes ways to cope with eating disorders from his experience as a professional in the field. He tries to engage in supportive dialogue with those suffering from this complex issue, and suggests alternative methods of dealing.

In addition, we are looking for other ways to integrate other professionals who could consult, advise and support our bloggers. However the greatest force to support and make a difference is in your hands. The best thing about Israblog, which is always heart-warming, is these connections of concern, support and friendship made here between bloggers.

We ask you to sharpen your critique over western culture which idolizes the skinny, and point out these social messages, hidden or visible, which relate a person’s value, especially women, to their looks and weight. You can enter pro-ana blogs and leave comments. Don’t answer simply by saying “c’mon, what are you doing…” or “don’t you know that bones are NOT sexy?!”. Comments of this type cause detachment and anger. Liran posted a list of things to remember when formulating anti-anorectic responses in pro-ana blogs. Amongst all his recommendations, we want to emphasize the last - “try to make a true connection - do not criticize or be judgmental. Otherwise, the pro-ana blogger will only reach out to other people with eating disorders, something that can certainly feed this disorder and lead to a further deterioration in their health”. In other words - be friends, real friends, so that those suffering from eating disorders will not seek out only other pro-ana friends."

What I find interesting about this statement is that it's IMHO the first good one. Not just because it stands for not closing pro ana sites, but it gives some food for thoughts. For non-pro people. When I read the "how-to-deal-with-Anas" and "how-to-deal-not-with-Anas" I feel reminded of blogs like MamaVision (sorry) which criticize pro-ana forums and websites and shows off user avatars on which it says "bones are beautiful" added with scholarly comments telling the audience that bones are even not beautiful and that people who think so have a weird perception of prettiness.

Concerning the issue that about 90% of all pro-anas are teenagers, especially mothers but also everyone who once was teenager (means everyone), must know that talking this way will only result in an act of defiance. At least I would respond that way. So the advice from Ilana to be more careful when talking (directly or in written form) to annorexics is IMHO very wise, important and probably the only helpful and promising one.


Lazy Sunday Thoughts

It came to my mind that I am actually very seldomly talk about "real issues". Like if I had nothing important to say except talking about my failure or success concerning my struggle with food. So most of you might think that I am - like "a good Ana" - just thinking about my intake, calories counting and what to better not eat all day long. But I am not. And I am still. Huh?

Don't count me in as conventionally recovered. I am far away from that. But I found my path. Name it the "wisdom of age", but with being very close to 30 now and having experienced Anorexia since my earliest teenage years, I have a more outré view of the whole thing. Sure, I do panic from time to time when I feel I have eaten too much, sure I am crying after a binge, I am counting calories, I am taking my metab enhancer, I live on diet coke for days, I can't take a look at me in the mirror naked, and sure I am secretly flushing down food the toilet. On the other hand I really do enjoy an evening out with friends, drinking three glasses of a good stout and smoke a billion cigarettes - and don't cry me to sleep afterwards.

I am my own evolution. When I read through some forums I see myself in these desperate 14-year-olds who starve themselves without knowing very much about the consequences of their actions, but I am beyond that without being cured. Still I cannot understand why people would like to get rid off Anorexia. Even in ten months of IP no one could convince me of the benefits. I got so used to it that I can't and don't want to be without it anymore. Ana is a part of me that I really would miss, honestly. Even if it makes me depressed, if I break down and cry, if I hate myself a lot from time to time - it's the path I took and I have to deal with. It's not unbearable; not more unendurable for me than going into the other direction.


Successfully passed

During lunchtime I went to a supermarket to buy lactose free milk for a colleague and coke zero for me. I spent several minutes in front of the crisps rack, touched several packs, checked their calories and thought about eating them because the day would be ruined anyway because we're celebrating our boss's birthday with open sandwiches. But - oh what a lucky surprise! - I stayed strong and didn't eat them. And when I got back to the office the birthday party was cancelled, too! So this Friday can become a good day! When I once stayed strong I'll can do it later again, too! Go - go - get thinner!


Calmed down

After some hysteric days I finally calmed down a bit. I am still worried, though, but I came to the conclusion that it is "ok" that it takes some more time to adjust myself again after the IP. Me and my habbits were changed over 10 months, so it will naturally take longer than 30 days to get back to my old shape. Nevertheless this is no excuse for binging all day like I did several times during the last weeks. I just have to try harder and remind myself every single day of my goal. It's not easy, of course - but who said it would?!

I thought about what could make it easier for me to get back to my "pre-IP-status". I tried some sort of food journals, for example. Private on paper as well as public on a forum. Both didn't work out for me since I think there was no "pressure" and I cheated on myself by just not writing something down, leaving a whole day out or not posting. But I figured out that I need this pressure (to openly display my success or failure) to stay strong and follow my own rules. I am still too weak to only rely on myself. So I need to find a solution for my dilemma. I will.

Anyway, I new start now. All over again.


Desperate Moan: Stuck in a vicious circle...

I finished IP more or less successful (depends on your point of view) about a month ago. Some people are happy that I hained weight and look "healthy" again. Me, personally, I'm getting desperate more and more every day.

I am stuck in a vicious circle of starving from Monday to Friday and binging on the weekend (up to 2500 cals / day). I have completely lost control over my intake. When I don't start eating, everything's fine and I can go on the whole day without food. But when something touches my lips it's over. "Just don't eat solid food at all", would be an advice. Would. If there wasn't my boyfriend, who keeps a close eye on me since I am back from rehab and since he actually knows what I did all the last years to hide ana from him. I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want to make him sad. As well as my family, who put all their hope and prayers in the treatment. They suffered so much.

But I also just can't go on the way I do right now. Everything feels so wrong, I feel so fat, gross, disgusting, horrible, and beyond all bearing. There are not many pathes I could choose.

Ten month in the clinic did not break my will to be thin. Ten month did not make me feel that 100 lbs is a weight I can live with. Ten month did not make me feel "ok" when I eat and did not end my crying over every calorie that ends up in my stomach. The ten month made it even worse, retrospectively. I've never thought about ending everything before. Now I do.

I feel so helpless. Everything seems so useless, so out of control. I am trying and trying and trying and I don't even get an inch closer to a state of tolerability. I am just failing all the time. I have no idea what I can and should do anymore. One day I feel strong, the next I disappoint myself again. Like a marionette bound to invisible strings which are pulled by the relicts of the brainwashing therapy, I am going round in circles. I see no way to get out. Is it worth another attempt anyway? The tenth, fifteenth, thirtysecond? Will something change this time or will it just be the same over and over again?

By now I don't see me getting back to where I was last year around this time. And this would be the only place I want to be in.


I am such a failure. I am such a failure, embarrassing for myself and everyone else. I cry everytime I think back to the days before being in the clinic. I had total control of my intake, I had no hunger pains anymore, I was strong, I hardly ever binged. Now, that I got through a ten month brainwash I am the most horrible person ever walked on earth. I am binging like once a week, I cannot control what I eat or just for a few days, I am weak, I am FAT, FAT, FAT, FAT! I sit at home and EAT and although I feel horrible while doing so, I can't stop but go on. I am the sickest and most disgusting person ever, ugly, fat, gross. Even my skin gets bad due to all the sweet stuff I am stuffing in my mouth and I don't even dare to try on my jeans, I am sure they will be skin tight. And I am still craving for food.

This fricking therapy has completely ruined me. I am a wrack. What can I do to overcome this weakness? How can I get back to what I was and wanted to be? How can I be strong again when everything, even my own mind, is against me?

I can't go on like this anymore. It's a more than month now that I am home again and I am still not in control again! I can't bear it anymore. I really can't.


Craving chocolate?

All you need is Magnesium! (Premenstrual) Chocolate craving is a phenomenon that has puzzled a great many women. The reason behind that: Chocolate, which is highest in magnesium of all foods, is often a sign of magnesium deficiency. The answer is of course not to eat more chocolate, but to increase your magnesium by eating more e.g. green vegetables, and by increasing your magnesium supplements. Your chocolate cravings will vanish when you have enough magnesium in your diet. Good luck, ladies!


Fear and Despair

I knew I shouldn't step on the scale this morning after this horrible, horrible weak weekend. But I did. And instantly I broke down. I gained! I failed! I gained so much that I now do weigh as much as I did when I came right out of the clinic. All the hard work from the last three weeks, all the renunciation - for nothing! I am such a fat cow... My jeans are skin tight again, my tights much too fat, my skin got bad again due to the amount of food I ate and I hardly dared to go out this morning. It was so difficult to "show" myself to the world, knowing that I exploded over the weekend and everything I put on looks like a sausage skin on my fat, flabby body. What should I do now? How can I go on? I'm so on the verge of binging because I think it doesn't matter anyway anymore. I'll never be thin. But I must pull myself together now. I fast today. Water, diet pepsi and if the hunger becomes unbearable, I drink a coffee. I also need the diet pills finally. Something that pushes my metabolism and blocks the carbs and fats. I can't do it on my own anymore, I've not yet made my willpower come back, I cannot yet control me again. I need help! I need it so badly. I am so weak. I can't bear it anymore. This makes me so sick.