2008/03/16

Lazy Sunday Thoughts

It came to my mind that I am actually very seldomly talk about "real issues". Like if I had nothing important to say except talking about my failure or success concerning my struggle with food. So most of you might think that I am - like "a good Ana" - just thinking about my intake, calories counting and what to better not eat all day long. But I am not. And I am still. Huh?

Don't count me in as conventionally recovered. I am far away from that. But I found my path. Name it the "wisdom of age", but with being very close to 30 now and having experienced Anorexia since my earliest teenage years, I have a more outré view of the whole thing. Sure, I do panic from time to time when I feel I have eaten too much, sure I am crying after a binge, I am counting calories, I am taking my metab enhancer, I live on diet coke for days, I can't take a look at me in the mirror naked, and sure I am secretly flushing down food the toilet. On the other hand I really do enjoy an evening out with friends, drinking three glasses of a good stout and smoke a billion cigarettes - and don't cry me to sleep afterwards.

I am my own evolution. When I read through some forums I see myself in these desperate 14-year-olds who starve themselves without knowing very much about the consequences of their actions, but I am beyond that without being cured. Still I cannot understand why people would like to get rid off Anorexia. Even in ten months of IP no one could convince me of the benefits. I got so used to it that I can't and don't want to be without it anymore. Ana is a part of me that I really would miss, honestly. Even if it makes me depressed, if I break down and cry, if I hate myself a lot from time to time - it's the path I took and I have to deal with. It's not unbearable; not more unendurable for me than going into the other direction.

2 comments:

vive42 said...

this brings up a good point. i didn't know you were my age before this, but honestly i think that us adults should be allowed to make our own choices and if we choose not to recover then people need to accept and make peace with that.

its different with a 14 or 16 year old kid. some of them just need a stay in treatment and find out they really want to recover. but as adults we have an understanding of the choices we have and what they mean, and people need to respect that!

even though i'm choosing differently from you right now i still 100% back your right to choose.

Anonymous said...

i can totally relate to this. i started my ed when i was 16, first ana then often mia, ana periods in between. i could not eat like other people, i cannot eat like them. i always feel guilty about my food intake and would never allow myself getting fat. i mean really fat, i could and will loose some pounds now.
anyway, although i sometimes wish i could live without having an ed, like normal, i truly benefit from ana. it keeps me thin and i must say that i still look good for a 39-year-old, whereas my friends and collegues, neighbours and all around me are getting fatter and fatter while they age. and although i hate mia, it helps me enjoy some foods without being scared to get fat or get rid of an extended stomach. i am not full-time mia, not always full-time ana, it's more like a subtle thing and i am used to it.