Fat, worthless, ugly. Can't stop crying.

I am back now from meeting her. HER. And I almost cried when I saw her. She is so unbelievably beautiful. What a perfect woman she is. She is drop dead gorgeous - and as thin as I never will be. She was so nice to me, she was so kind, we had a lot of fun, actually. But now that I am home again - actually already on my way back home - I am more depressed than I ever was. I could cry. I could scream. I could kill myself. She is so beautiful and she has the body I always wanted to have. I am such a fat fuck. I am a pile of fricking worthless shit. And she is nothing but pure beauty. Perfect. I am not. I am far away from being even close to bearable. I am ugly and fat.

I will never eat something again. I will starve myself to get just a little bit closer to what she is.

Why can't I be a little bit more like her?
Successful. Pretty. Gorgeous. Thin.

I can't bear myself anymore. I can't bear this fricking fat body. I can't. I just wanna die. I am so overwhelmed by her beauty. Such beauty I'll never achieve.

I wonder why she even talked to me, why she spent her time with me although I am such a fat cow. It must have been so embarrassing for her to be seen with me.

I MUST get thinner. Next time we meet (she wants it! She really wants it although I am so ugly! She is such a good person and I am such a fat cow) I MUST weigh less. I MUST lose at least 5 more kilos. I actually MUST lose even more.

Damn, she is soooo pretty!!
Why can't I just have half of her beauty??
Why must I be such an ugly fatass?

I just can't stop crying....


I've become a purger

I did it three times. The first time I was shocked and embarrased. The second time I only felt a bit ashamed. The third time was lifting me higher and making me proud over winning the battle with food.

Now it has become normal.

My body was craving for energy today. I was 2 hours on my road bike early this morning. High speed, burnt about 1.000 cals. Then I was on the mountain bike in the afternoon. Another 400 cals in almost one hour. Later I went for a jog. 45 mins, high speed. Again 560 cals off. And I ate 4 apples and a green salad with a can of tuna and 2 tomatos. So I fell for 4 pieces of chocolate. And about 5 mins after I swallowed them I went to the bathroom and purged until all chocolate was out again.

It was very easy, very relaxed, very calm, nothing "extraordinary". I did it, I smiled afterwards, I felt strong, powerful, in total control.

So, this is what has become of me. I officially discovered purging as my "last solution" when I did something wrong.
I am not a binger, I am still very afraid of food and calories, so this "discovery" won't become an excuse for stuffing a million things in my mouth. The only "danger" could be that I purge just everything I eat. Because I know now how it works.

After 15 years ofpure anorexia I added a new "feature" to my ED. And to be honest: My weird mind is damn proud of me.


Don't fear...

All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain
We can be like they are

Come on baby... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby take my hand... Don't fear the Reaper
We'll be able to fly... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby I'm your man...

Valentine is done
Here but now they're gone
Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity...
Romeo and Juliet

40,000 men and women everyday...
Like Romeo and Juliet
40,000 men and women everyday...
Redefine happiness
Another 40,000 coming everyday...
We can be like they are

Come on baby... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby take my hand... Don't fear the Reaper
We'll be able to fly... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby I'm your man...

Love of two is one
Here but now they're gone
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear we couldn't go on
The door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew and then disappeared
The curtains flew then he appeared
Saying don't be afraid

Come on baby... And we had no fear
And we ran to him... Then we started to fly
We looked backward and said goodbye
We had become like they are
We had taken his hand
We had become like they are

Come on baby...don't fear the reaper


I did it again

Yesterday evening I once again, for the second time, willingly threw up after a "binge". I had a small bowl of cereals and half a bar of chocolate. And already while stuffing this stuff into my mouth my stomach started hurting so badly that I couldn't stand straight up. So I took my tooth brush and went to the toilet while my bf was sitting in the room next door listening to music via his headphones. It took me 20 minutes and several attempts, but finally I got everything out.

Weird: Afterwards I didn't felt half as guilty as after the first time I threw up. Quite the contrary. I felt powerful, strong and satisfied, although I looked like a monster when I went to the bathroom mirror straight afterwards. Red eyes, somehow "swollen" face...

I don't plan to throw up regularly now, but it appears to be a "good" solution after a binge. Nevertheless I try to avoid binges at all costs, but if it happens, I now know that I can make it "a little bit" undone...