2008/05/12

I've become a purger

I did it three times. The first time I was shocked and embarrased. The second time I only felt a bit ashamed. The third time was lifting me higher and making me proud over winning the battle with food.

Now it has become normal.

My body was craving for energy today. I was 2 hours on my road bike early this morning. High speed, burnt about 1.000 cals. Then I was on the mountain bike in the afternoon. Another 400 cals in almost one hour. Later I went for a jog. 45 mins, high speed. Again 560 cals off. And I ate 4 apples and a green salad with a can of tuna and 2 tomatos. So I fell for 4 pieces of chocolate. And about 5 mins after I swallowed them I went to the bathroom and purged until all chocolate was out again.

It was very easy, very relaxed, very calm, nothing "extraordinary". I did it, I smiled afterwards, I felt strong, powerful, in total control.

So, this is what has become of me. I officially discovered purging as my "last solution" when I did something wrong.
I am not a binger, I am still very afraid of food and calories, so this "discovery" won't become an excuse for stuffing a million things in my mouth. The only "danger" could be that I purge just everything I eat. Because I know now how it works.

After 15 years ofpure anorexia I added a new "feature" to my ED. And to be honest: My weird mind is damn proud of me.

4 comments:

Palmtreechick said...

Sometimes i wish I could add that completely harmful feature as well.

merlena said...

Please do not EVER do that again. I felt the same way when I started purging. It resulted in me eating and purging in grotesque public toilets for hours at a time among other horrors. I hanged my self because I couldn't cope with having bulimia when all I really wanted was anorexia back resulting in partial bain damage. My teeth are rotten I will probably have dentures before my 25th birthday. It started with 3 baked beans and a mouthful of rice and I swore I wouldn't let it get out of my control.

Anonymous said...

i've done it twice, it felt good. i wanted to do it again and again as it gave me a magical feeling of emptyness. i tried again but i couldnt push my fingers far enough down my throat. it was as if my body was stopping me as it knew whats best. ive not tried for a while but i might try again soon. i odnt want it to become a habbit, i like my teeth, but do i want thinness more ? yes xxx

Anonymous said...

hey anon, i suggest eating less