2008/05/15

Fat, worthless, ugly. Can't stop crying.

I am back now from meeting her. HER. And I almost cried when I saw her. She is so unbelievably beautiful. What a perfect woman she is. She is drop dead gorgeous - and as thin as I never will be. She was so nice to me, she was so kind, we had a lot of fun, actually. But now that I am home again - actually already on my way back home - I am more depressed than I ever was. I could cry. I could scream. I could kill myself. She is so beautiful and she has the body I always wanted to have. I am such a fat fuck. I am a pile of fricking worthless shit. And she is nothing but pure beauty. Perfect. I am not. I am far away from being even close to bearable. I am ugly and fat.

I will never eat something again. I will starve myself to get just a little bit closer to what she is.

Why can't I be a little bit more like her?
Successful. Pretty. Gorgeous. Thin.

I can't bear myself anymore. I can't bear this fricking fat body. I can't. I just wanna die. I am so overwhelmed by her beauty. Such beauty I'll never achieve.

I wonder why she even talked to me, why she spent her time with me although I am such a fat cow. It must have been so embarrassing for her to be seen with me.

I MUST get thinner. Next time we meet (she wants it! She really wants it although I am so ugly! She is such a good person and I am such a fat cow) I MUST weigh less. I MUST lose at least 5 more kilos. I actually MUST lose even more.

Damn, she is soooo pretty!!
Why can't I just have half of her beauty??
Why must I be such an ugly fatass?

I just can't stop crying....

17 comments:

"Julia" said...

I have had that thought so many times.

Madame Hollywood said...

Hey sweetie,

Just letting you know that I'm still alive. I've pulled myself away from the ana community for a while because I had way too many things going on: Finishing University, Exams, Moving Flat, Finding a new job in the city, etc etc...
All that mixed with ana was too stressful.
Thankfully the life-stuff is almost over, I'm moving in 8 days time, starting a new job in 10 days time, and Uni/exams are now over!
I'll be back before you know it, and supporting you to the ends of the earth..
Stay strong, darling!
xoxoxoxoxoxox

Anonymous said...

we normally tend to idealize people who we don't really know so good. If you knew her better, you would find flaws in her. Like everybody, she has flaws and virtues, that means you also have virtues and good good features, even if you don't see it... maybe she thinks that YOU are better than her...who knows... anyway i know the feeling of feeling inferior and having to compare myself with other girls...and i'm always the ugliest, fattest, loser...in my eyes, so...i understand completely.

Anonymous said...

I used to stare at people, wondering how they could walk around and feel normal,like they belonged. I would stare in the mirror and see my too round nose, my fat, not wide enough lips, my eyebrows so high I look like I'm always surprised. Decided I looked like a cartoon character and went through photo albums throwing out ugly pictures. Sometimes didnt' eat b/c didn't feel I deserved food. Then would sometimes eat too much and felt like a disgusting pig who didn't deserve to live. I hated myself so bad. Eventually was diagnosed with Lupus. That is illness where body turns on itself and begins to destroy itself. It is the manifestation of self hated. It was like I gave my body permission to turn on itself.
My brother was like me. He believed the lies in his mind and on September 24th 2005 he bent over his rifle and pulled the trigger.
I am not who I was and I want to tell you why. I have a memoir that I want to post on a blog but have to learn how to do it and then I want you to read it.

Anonymous said...

I feel the exact same way! When I look in the mirror I feel disgusted with myself.. My parents especially critize me my mom moreso. Say my clothes look awful on me. They have fucked up my head and my self esteem!

Jasmin said...

I just had that thought right now. I was looking at my friend's pictures and she's so beautiful and thin. And here I am, fat and ugly. I have freaking acne, glasses and braces. I have ugly eyebrows and a short nose. My hair used to be perfect now it's all curly and gross. I used to be thin just like my friend but now I'm a fat, ugly, 12 year old girl.

Anonymous said...

I too am sick of being a cow. I was just looking at a pretty Jamaican girl and she can sing as well. I wondered... if only i had what she had just for a minute. I can only imagine how many guys must love her and how many guys must be trying to call her. i'm here alone and i barely ever get a phone call and when i do it just from my sister or somebody trying to sell insurance. I asked myself many times if i could ask the devil to make me pretty but then i could not sell my soul just for being pretty.. so then i just have to deal with who i am and how i look because i cant and will never look like anyone else so what am i going to do.. LOVE ME AND LOVE THOSE WHO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM. people are so blinded by pretty that they can no longer see beautiful. HOLD TIGHT THEIR IS A GOD! I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

Anonymous said...

i too feel the same way i used to b a size 10 which was gr8 but then met a guy and started to eat wee bits and b4 i new it i was fat and ugly! i have started dating this new bloke whos really nice and sweet to me but from i have started dating him i feel so fat an ugly again i cant eat coz i wanna throw it up again and now he tells me he needs space coz his uncle died this has made me feel worse coz i now feel he just wants away from me in the past 3 days iv been eattin wee things like bread then just go sleep and sleep mst of the day away. in work ppl tell me i look sick and am always tried iv lost bout a stone which is awesome and really want to lose more so i can b pretty and thin again,

Anonymous said...

Humans: we are all nothing more then an insignificant spoke In a giant cosmic cog that we can not understand... We don't know why were here, who we are, or what the world is. All we know is what has been set up for us by other humans.. Some unstoppable social precedent that demands certain things that we strive to meet... Life is not about reaching perfection or anywhere near it, life is about enjoying moments and doing what you love. Don't read this and think that I don't understand since I'm not anerexic.. I struggle from severe depression but coping and facing your problem head on is the only solution. Change ur state of mind, love yourself and people will love you. Your body is not the most important thing

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. It hurts so bad.

Anonymous said...

aww :(
I feel so bad for you, although im sure ur pretty!

Anonymous said...

i am too

Freya said...

hello i know exactly how you feel.
everyone i know is around 20 to 30 kilograms and im freakin 48 and im just a 10 year old!
people are always looking at me like hey! its a fat loser!
and i am just sick to death about that! i just wanna crawl into a hole and die

Anonymous said...

I feel exactly the same way as a matter of fact i feel cursed

Anonymous said...

Oh god ya... When I read this it was like reading my own thoughts..... It sucks

Anonymous said...

this is exactly how I feel. I've stopped going to buy new clothes because everything looks disgusting with my fat rolls and gross thighs. I don't know what to do? Why can't i stop eating? And when I do, I go back to eat so much. I also feel cursed and I wish I was thinner and more beautiful like the girls my age but no I've alway been an overweight pig. People don't deserve to love me when I don't even love myself.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how old you are, but if you're a kid (like me) there is always www.childline.org.uk . I feel the same, I've just turned vegetarian and I'm eating less and less. I hate myself- and like you, I want to kill myself. I wear black so as to not stand out- I'm not a goth.

On ChildLine, you can have 1-2-1 chats with a counsellor. I'm emailing one at the minute and they really do listen.

I hope this helps. Sorry if you're an adult ;)