2008/03/09

Desperate Moan: Stuck in a vicious circle...

I finished IP more or less successful (depends on your point of view) about a month ago. Some people are happy that I hained weight and look "healthy" again. Me, personally, I'm getting desperate more and more every day.

I am stuck in a vicious circle of starving from Monday to Friday and binging on the weekend (up to 2500 cals / day). I have completely lost control over my intake. When I don't start eating, everything's fine and I can go on the whole day without food. But when something touches my lips it's over. "Just don't eat solid food at all", would be an advice. Would. If there wasn't my boyfriend, who keeps a close eye on me since I am back from rehab and since he actually knows what I did all the last years to hide ana from him. I don't want to disappoint him. I don't want to make him sad. As well as my family, who put all their hope and prayers in the treatment. They suffered so much.

But I also just can't go on the way I do right now. Everything feels so wrong, I feel so fat, gross, disgusting, horrible, and beyond all bearing. There are not many pathes I could choose.

Ten month in the clinic did not break my will to be thin. Ten month did not make me feel that 100 lbs is a weight I can live with. Ten month did not make me feel "ok" when I eat and did not end my crying over every calorie that ends up in my stomach. The ten month made it even worse, retrospectively. I've never thought about ending everything before. Now I do.

I feel so helpless. Everything seems so useless, so out of control. I am trying and trying and trying and I don't even get an inch closer to a state of tolerability. I am just failing all the time. I have no idea what I can and should do anymore. One day I feel strong, the next I disappoint myself again. Like a marionette bound to invisible strings which are pulled by the relicts of the brainwashing therapy, I am going round in circles. I see no way to get out. Is it worth another attempt anyway? The tenth, fifteenth, thirtysecond? Will something change this time or will it just be the same over and over again?

By now I don't see me getting back to where I was last year around this time. And this would be the only place I want to be in.

1 comment:

myself? said...

Hallo Leni!
Tut mir Leid, dass es dir so schlecht geht... und dass die Klinik dir so viel kaputt gemacht hat. Ich verstehe wie es dir geht, aber leider weiß ich auch keine wirklich guten Tips. Das mit deinem Freund ist natürlich wirklich schwierig. (Ich kenne das mit einmal anfangen zu essen usw...). Und ich finde es wirklich dumm wie Kliniken und Therapeuten usw. immer so tun als würden sie einem helfen wollen, aber in Wirklichkeit sorgen sie nur dafür dass man (etwas) mehr ihren Vorstellungen davon entspricht wie man sein/sich fühlen/sich verhalten/ essen sollte, auch wenn es einem selber dabei dann noch viel schlechter geht... eigentlich helfen sie nur sich selber damit... :( Ich hoffe trotzdem, dass es dir bald etwas besser geht...
Sorry, dass ich Deutsch geschrieben habe...