About failing

Yesterday I gave in to craving. And the whole thing ended in a major binge. I ate and ate and ate even my stomach ached. I just couldn't stop stuffing food in my mouth. And since I still haven't figured out how I can get rid off the food I ate (I just CAN'T throw up. My body simply refuses to give away the food once swallowed), everything stayed in my belly and made me fat. Aprox. 1.500 calories, it were. Package of ketchup flavoured potato crisps and several pieces of chocolate.

I am sooooo disappointed. I mean I really thought about not giving in. But nevertheless I just couldn't stop. I went to the shop nearby, bought the crisps, went home, got in bed, switched the tv on and started to stuff myself with the crisps. When the package was empty, I went to the kitchen and got the chocolate of my bf out of the fridge and ate it also. My stomach was already aching as hell and I wondered about myself how I just could go on and on. But I couldn't stop.

It was like observing me and my actions from the outside, like I was another person watching me.. Scary. But not as scary as all the food...

I am such a piece of crap. I just can't control myself. This binging has to stop NOW!
I must think of some sort of punishment for eating that much.

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