Back again

Yesterday I talked to a girl I was in rehab with. We met by chance on the street when I was going home from the doctor. She was with her mother and both recognized me early. Her mother immediately started to chat: "How beautiful her daughter looks, how shiny, how fresh and full of life again!" And I just thought that her tights got fat. Damn fat.

Generally I started measuring people with my eyes again. Everyone I met and see. This is something I made before rehab. Now it's back. And so it only took 2 1/2 weeks to get my mind back in pre-rehab shape. Woohoo.

2 1/2 weeks and I am back to restricting and even fasting, back to stepping ritually on the scale, back to drinking 3 sips of water after every bite I take. On one hand I am sad about it. Not for me, actually, but for my family and friends, who tried there best and hoped so much that these month in rehab would succeed.

I know it's my fault. All is my fault. But I am so egoistic at the moment that I care much for my well-being than the one of others.


Madame Hollywood said...

I know exactly how you feel, Leni!
I always feel sorry for my boyfriend having to watch me deteriorate, but there's this other side to me that honestly doesn't care.. one the most important thing in my life is to get to my UGW.
We both know that's a stupid way to think, but we also know it's important to us.
That's when we all get sneaky, and to be honest, if it protects our loved ones then we should stay sneaky!
Analyse everyone, drink lots of water, watch the scales go down..
Good luck, hun!

ps. Join my bread amnesty on PAM!

Leni said...

Thanks for your comment! I will check it out as soon as I get home...

Vive42 said...

i remember consciously choosing my ed over people, especially a couple of romantic relationships. it sucks but its the way things are i guess.

i don't think it's a matter of fault though. if you weren't willing to recover then there really was never much chance being forced to eat would magically make you change your mind! one day maybe you'll feel differently but until then this is who you are and no one can change it, apart from yourself of course.

Anonymous said...

i know exactly how you think, it's digusting to say but i always did and do so. i am ashamed but i cannot help it. every girl and woman is kind of recognized and categorized by me: either in the fat box or in the 'i-want-look-like-her-box, coz there are so many georgous females out there with a lovely body and it's not fair that i have to go through life being an ugly fat cow.
but actually is horrible to look at people like that.