2008/02/17

Me and my life

Ok, this is my first entry in my Journal. Not sure what to write, to be honest. Maybe I'll give some you some info first:

I'm Leni. I'm originally from Sweden, but I am currently living in Austria. I went here to study after school, got back to Malmö afterwards and then again I am here. I am anorexic and spend the last ten month in rehab - hopping on and off.

I did the rehab because my family and friends wanted it that way and I couldn't bear their sadness any longer. I did it for them so that they don't worry anymore. Or at least less.

I gained a lot of pounds during that time and everybody was happy. Everybody except me. Now that the treatment is over, I am back to my old habits.

After this long time of rehab with several stays in closed treatment and many attemps of brainwashing me I am still not able and especially not willing to let loose my ED. Quite the contrary: After gaining so unbelievably much during that time I am even more panicking and determined to lose weight.

I know that most people (even on pro-ana forums) want to help me with comments like "you're going to make it" and "it's not so bad to have a binge once in a while" , but sometimes I feel like beeing in treatment again when people tell me that everything's fine and everything will be ok although I just ate 800 cals of chocolate.

I know that these people want to calm me down and that the reaction I get is actually the best for me and my health and my mind and everything, but nevertheless it feels so wrong... Because I know that it is not ok for me to ruin my life by eating chocolate and gaining weight from it.

I am hard to myself - because this is the only way I can make clear to myself where my goal is and what I aim for.

I do love my ED, I do love being an ana and I do love having control and so being better than all the fat cows out there stuffing food in their mouths. And I don't want to get rid off that.

Others get satisfied by buying shoes, by eating chocolate, by winning a race, by getting good grades, by earning lots of money... I get satisfied by making it through the day without food.

So, yes, I'll go on visiting pro-ana forums and websites, and I am thankful for the support I got and still get there. But I also need "other" support. Support from people who do really understand and accept my view. And I don't know where and if I can get it.

I feel so alone and I really would need people to talk to who think and feel in the same way I do. Poeple who don't want to cure me.


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Placebo - Running Up That Hill - a cover of a Kate Bush classic. Listen and enjoy!

1 comment:

emmeline said...

I just wanted to say..that you're not alone..well probably you know that.But still. Well with me it's the same..well i cant say i was like anorexic..but I was so damn close to my goal weight..and my parents kind of forced me to eat again..And now i just can't find the will power and strenght again. But back then I could walk through a kithen full of once tempting food..and I was like: die bitch xd.. I didn't even care.
And when i read your first blog entry I became even more determined.So i started just yesterday a kekwick fast so i will start losing quickly. And same as you sometimes when i am so damn hungry i can even see myself going to the kitchen and open the fridge and eat that pizza or lasagna..And it makes me scared. Because even just with only imagining i feel like i have failed already.Keep strong