You know I am fat. I know I am fat.

You know the friend who's the perfect edition of me. The one I try to avoid as long as I am fat and ugly and so far away from my goal. She lives about 350 km away.

Today, at "lunchbreak", I was walking along the shopping street close to my workplace.
And suddenly I saw her. On my side of the street, approaching me. I instantly put down my head, crossed the street, but I probably stared at her for a while, not believing what I was seeing, from a distance of about 20 metres. I am not sure if she saw me, she didn't call my name, followed me and texted me or something. But probably she did. Very probably.

The worst thing was: I WAS EATING!!

Why could this happen? She here, in my town, at the exact same time at the exact same place?

I throw away the food. Had about 300 cals so far today. Trained of 400 already by biking 20 kilometers to work, will train off another 400 by riding home and another 300 by running for about 45 minutes. Nevertheless I won't eat anything more today. What I already ate feels like a stone inside my stomach. I wish I could purge it. I can't since I am at work. I hate myself for being so weak and eat. I hate myself for allwoing myself to be seen eating. I hate myself for letting me grow that fat. I hate myself for almost crashing into my best friend and let her see what a fat bitch I am. I HATE me for everything I am and do.

I won't eat anything more today. I won't.


*strawberry//shortcake* said...

i know how you feel. i wish i could purge. i try and try and nothing ever comes up and even when i have the flu i dont throw up. and i have friends that i am soo jealous of. i cant help but secretly hate them and hope they get fat.

Anonymous said...

I feel so sorry for you :(

You hate yourself for trying to keep yourself alive.

Thats the lowest of the low isn't it? :(