For the first time

Today I purged for the first time. I binged on chocolate flavoured cornflakes and half a chocolate easter bunny after staying below 200 cals everyday since Sunday. I spit the last two bites of the easter bunny into the garbage can when I recognized - much too late - what I was doing. Then I ran to the toilet and tried to get the rest of it out. With the help of the well known "tools" I finally managed to get all the chocolate out, but it was too late for the chocolate flakes. Some got out, but it was more than an hour ago after I ate them, so I stopped knowing that there's no point any longer in getting rid off them.

I am not happy with what I've done since I am not even a 100% convinced that it prevented my body from absorbing some of these fricking calories. I am totally frustrated and disgusted by myself - that I could fail so much after such a good week and eat a ton of shit, that I purged secretly and almost without any sound while my boyfriend is in the next room, and that I took my ED to a "next step" and thus a place where I've never been before in 15 year of Ana.

Please, don't let it ever happen again...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i wish it was a road i'd never started. i wish i'd just stayed purely, cleanly, ana.