2009/01/25

450

I can't bear being in my flat anymore. Being sick sucks. So I take a walk outside. Through the dirty side of town. In no time my mind starts wandering. And of course soon after its journey ends at food. I had 450 cals today (in the form of apples and low fat cottage cheese). 450 cals. Woohoo. Massive. Twice as much as yesterday, ten times as much as during my "best days". For a few seconds my brain flares up: "450 cals - that's what 'normal' people have for breakfast only! That's a quarter of a 'normal person's' intake!" I am almost to recognize that I fear for no reason to gain much from this "binge", there she comes around the corner. This strange girl with this huge gap between her thighs, looking awesome, drop dead gorgeous. I'd kill for her legs. 450 get's gigantic again. How could I even only for a minute think that 450 would be only roughly ok? Suddenly stick figures everywhere. 150 joggers passing by. Me lazy fatass didn't even get on the bike today for 20 minutes. Absolutely no excercising. Nothing. Nothing but 450 cals. I am panicking, hiding deep under my hood, rushing home. I feel even more sick when I climbed the fourth floor. Dizzy. Breathless. Anyway, no time for being wimpy. No time for being ill. 450 cals. Must burned off. 

8 comments:

Pro_Ana_MoDel said...

I hate seeing people excersise when i can't and it sickens me to watch them excersise and know that i'm just lazy to do it... doing good girl.... keep it that way... :)

AnaBullshit said...

yeah, fucking joggers...always jogging...and shit. I hate that no matter where i go and no matter what time it is...since i live in LA...there are ALWAYS people working out...at the gym at school...at the fucking park...everywhere....totally makes me feel like shit about my regime, which is a good one, i think!!!! keep the faith little lady:)

belle svelte said...

you're being missed. but if it means that you are feeling better and this blog is just a reminder, then...you're still being missed, but good for you =)

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Doodles said...

I can't even feel sad for you. You have a sickness which you feed and love as if it were some sort of pet. It's sick. Instead of trying to live and have some seblance of a life - you are throwing it away -- or so you say you are. You hide behind your pitiful webpage, recording your calories and self-created symptoms. I will be 29 yrs old next week and I have a painful disease that I deal with EVERY single day. A disease I don't bring on myself by starvation. You complain that you have to exercise - some of us WANT to and often can't. You record your calories like some sort of herculean feat. Big fucking deal - you skipped over a lettuce leaf today. *clap* Stop throwing your life away, eat some food and grow up.

Pennie Zimmerman said...

Oh man, I know exactly how you feel. I've had 395 calories today and I'm not eating for the rest of the day. But still, I can't help but think how pissed I am at myself for letting myself go that far when I only wanted to have a calorie intake of 250 today.

Hang in there!

-Pennie Z.

Wry Sparrow said...

Even thinking about food makes me sick, but I can't stop my feet from carrying me to the fridge again and again and again!
God I'm a fat whore.