2009/01/14

Will I ever?

Did the worst I could do yesterday. I stepped on the scale. I know I always weigh more when I got my period. And it was evening, too.

So I got what I deserved: 51 kg / 112,4 lbs.

Great.
I could cry all the time.

I am losing way too slow. I wish the pounds would just fall off me. Tomorrow 111, the day after tomorrow 110, then 109, 108, 107, ... 95, 94, 93, 92.

The way is soooo long until I reach my UGW: 92 lbs / 42 kg. It's 20 lbs / 9 kg to lose!

But instead of pushing myself to see the result very fast I am failure every day. I eat way too much to be able to lose fast.

I remember back in summer I lived on diet coke and 4 apples a day - while running every day for 40 mins and biking everyday for 40 minutes. It appears to me that I lost many kilos in no time - but maybe this is just my memory tricking me.

I wish I was that thin again: Bony shoulders, jeans in size xxs, and so on.

When I look in the mirror nowadays all I see is a fatass who cannot stop eating like 800 cals everyday. How should I ever lose with that big intake? Even with all the jogging and biking I'll never get down to 42 kilos. I'll never get there.

4 comments:

Jenna said...

Leni, I just wanted to thank you for your excellent advise and support. I really appreciate that you read my blog. I think the struggles you mention are typical of ana girls (at least its typical of my life...). Do not fret. You're not a failure.

Be well.

Willow Rain Jade said...

Leni, I want you to know I understand you completely!
This has been happening to me but I hope that you and I can pull through together!

nadja said...

*thinking of you*

Wry Sparrow said...

It's hard I know. But I always remember: Once you make the choice to not eat, there's nothing else. Stay strong. I know how you feel. I wish my weight didn't come off every other month, but every day. Then some days it's a miracle and I loose tons in one day. I hate how fat clings, like a lover you've been trying to get rid of forever.