No Control

Why do I feel so out of control lately? Why can't I stay strong, but have to stuff my face with chocolate and everything so that I - like yesterday - all in all consume 1.000 cals? Trained 880 cals off again in the gym, but that doesn't make it feel better. I am a f*cking loser. I once was good at restricting, very soon I had bony shoulders, I shrinked one jeans size and now it feels like not a gramm is going down on the scale. Is this just a feeling? Did it really go that fast the last time? Did this certain therapy now screwed me up more than all the ones before? Or is this just my mad mind and my blind eyes that try to trick me?

I have no idea how I should become strong again. Really strong, not like strong for four days and binge on the fifth again. I once could do that. I ate 4 apples a day for weeks! Ran everyday. Lost fast. Nowadays I am so weak, so out of control. Will I ever be strong again? I am afraid that I won't. I am really afraid one day I can't stop a binge anymore and gain like 10 kilos or so and end up fat. Fatter than I am now.

For f*ck's sake, I WANT TO BE THIN!


hey.hana said...

I'm sorry. I feel the same way most of the time. I guess you just have to have faith... Which sounds weird in this situation, but still applies, I think.

p.s. I love that pic! So unsettling and touching..

Jenna said...

Oh, darling, I'm sorry. We all have bad days, bad weeks. But better ones tend to follow. Stay strong.

(And PS- its harder to lose weight as the ana progresses because your metabolism slows. Don't blame yourself! You're working so hard!)