2009/01/02

So this is it

Today. No food until 8 o'clock in the evening. A small cup of cottage cheese and an apple. Done. Then, a little later, another cottage cheese with a beetroot. All in all not more than 300 cals. But I went mad. And into the bathroom. Two new cuts, one on the right, the other on the left. It felt so good making them. It feels so good wearing them.

Honestly, there was no need for them. I was doing sports today. Quite a lot. I burnt way more calories today than I ate. But it just felt like "too much food". Or I wanted it to feel like "too much food" for then I can take my tiny little Leatherman and decorate my arms with new red lines.

I think there is a growing part of self destruction in me since several weeks. Or months. I mean, I cutted already years ago, but that was more... horrible? Like a punishment. I didn't liked it. It was painful. I almost puked when seing the blood. And nowadays? I love it. Love it so much that I even accept that my boyfriend sees the cuts. I am sure I will always find an excuse. And he is much too naive to believe that I'd hurt myself. Poor him. Poor me?

It was the same with purging. I never did it. I just wasn't able to throw up the food I swallowed. I tried it quite often, then I quitted the ridiculous attempts. In the middle of (now) last year I tried again. Just because I thought I should be able to do it. And it worked out. I needed a toothbrush, but hey, nobody is perfect. I used it often. Sometimes up to five times a day.

Now I do it very rarely. And actually when I do it, I just do it to assure myself that I am still able to do it. Just as "safeguarding". If I ever come into the situation again that I need it. And to feel strong to be in command of my body.

No pain from cutting.
No food stays in my stomach if I don't want so.

It makes me feel so powerful! And I need this feeling like a drug. More and more. Never had these needs before. Not that much. Or in other ways. Got it from pushing me to peak performances in sports and so on. Now it's more... "intimate". Sorry, don't know a term that suits better.

Self destructive. Pretty, beautiful, drop dead gorgeous self destruction.

2 comments:

Pro_Ana_MoDel said...

hey... that's quite weird you eat food in evening not morning, because you would loose more calories trough the day then night... and don't mean to sound like selfless bitch or someone weak, but is the scars necessary?..

Leni said...

When I start eating it's difficult for me to stop. So if I'd eat in the morning it would be very hard to not eat the whole day like a pig. But if i don't start stuffing food into my stomach I make it through the day.

Are the scars neccessary? Yes, I think so. And I love them. :-)