2009/01/12

Too old for this?

I am 30 years of age, turning 31 this summer. I have had Ana for more than 15 years now. From time to time the question comes to my head if I am not too old for all this. I mean take a look at the typical ED related forums, probably take a look at you! How old are you? How old are most people posting at PAM, Hotter, LifeJournal or whatever? In most cases they're between 14 and 18, maybe 20, struggeling with anorexia for some years. I don't want to say that I am "wiser" as them, but all they're talking about I talked about already ages ago. What they experience now I already know for years.

But even after 15 years I am still "interested" in all this, still asking the same questions over and over again as if I were as "new" to Ana as they are. You don't learn or don't want to learn. Or better: You never get confident enough to believe in your own experiences, you never get confident enough to believe what your head tells you. Like "yes, you'll lose weight when you do x". You always ensure by feedback of others that this or that is really that way.

Sometimes I feel quite weird among the teenagers (this is not meant as an insult!) because I think that I shouldn't be there anymore. That I should have found a solution for all that, that I should have been "cured", just able to live a normal life. But still here I am, miles away from being normal. And honestly: I also don't want to be "normal". Ana is such an important part of my life, I can't even think about being without her. I like it how it is. With all its Up's & Down's.

So there actually is one thing I learned: Living with Anorexia, enjoying life with Anorexia.

2 comments:

nadja said...

leni <3

i recognize myself a lot in this post. i'm no teenager either, and i often wonder if it's a sign of immaturity that i find myself here. in some ways i feel weird among all those people who are younger than me, and in other ways it feels completely right.

i don't know what i wanted to say with this, really, just wanted to let you know that i might understand some of your feelings. *hugs!*

Anonymous said...

That's exactly what I think about myself concerning "all this" (I don't want to call it "pro ana" because my attitude changed a lot).
Except the point that I'm not enjoying it any more - not the way I used to.

If you are over 31, you will never look like an anorexic teen any more - no matter how much weight you lose. You will look ill and ugly, that's it.
It's too late ro reach your goal (again).

But I cannot get this anorexia theme out of my mind.
I don't try to get too thin any more, but I spend a lot of time in looking for information about anorexia.

Sometimes I also think it's weird - feeling well among those teens and twens. But deep inside, I'm not much older or even younger...