Hate / Love

I write a blog on a woman magazine's website since quite some years. This is also were I met the woman who now caused me a lot of sorrow and anger. Who I thought to be my best friend until she left me - see the whole story some posts below.

To cut a long story short: She left a comment there. She didn't reply to my email for another week, then left for vacation, but now posted a comment on my blog: "You know where to find me. I am looking forward to you!!!"

And now I am totally confused. I am angry and excited at the same time. Probably because I still like her a lot. Nevertheless my head tells me that I should get rid off her because of the way she treated me. And my gut feeling says I should stick with her because she is/was so important for me.

Remember?

Remeber the friend who did not reply to my emails and then, after about two weeks finally sent an answer? Her email was kind, she said things like "she always will be my friend, it would be not me who has to say 'sorry' but her because she did not reply quickly, and so on.

Well, I answered her again a day later, which was Jan 11th.

Yesterday evening another friend told me - casually - that she is off on vacation from today (Jan 15th) on.

I feel like I was lied to. I mean if I would go on vacation and wouldn't be able to check and reply my emails for a whole week I'd try to answer at least the important messages before I take off. She probably did, too! But mine wasn't among them.

It feels a bit like "How could I have been so stupid and naive to believe her what she said after she kept me waiting for two f*cking weeks? Now you see how important your friendship is to her!"

Luckily I am no longer depressed about the whole issue, but "pissed to the bone". I told her my inner thoughts, I told her I loved her, I begged her for forgiveness, really got down on my knees, felt extremely guilty, and now she is paying me back! Which, by the way, would be ok if she hadn't lied to me just a couple of days before by saying how important I still am for her.

Obviously - O B V I O U S L Y - I am not!

"Officially" she didn't even tell me she was on vacation, but is leaving me without any note for another f*cking week! Damn, I am sooooo angry! This whole story has definitely come to an end at this point. I will never again disgrace myself again by dropping her another line begging for friendship. This is over. She is not worth it, this is what I know by now.

I am extremely pissed off. Additionally and out of frustration and anger I had 534 cals in form of chocolate today. Consciously.

Went into a shop during my break at work, bought a pocket knife (Victorinox Soldier, Swiss Army Knife), waited till my colleagues left for lunch break, rolled up my sleeves and made two new cuts, one on each arm, right here in the office.

Will I ever?

Did the worst I could do yesterday. I stepped on the scale. I know I always weigh more when I got my period. And it was evening, too.

So I got what I deserved: 51 kg / 112,4 lbs.

Great.
I could cry all the time.

I am losing way too slow. I wish the pounds would just fall off me. Tomorrow 111, the day after tomorrow 110, then 109, 108, 107, ... 95, 94, 93, 92.

The way is soooo long until I reach my UGW: 92 lbs / 42 kg. It's 20 lbs / 9 kg to lose!

But instead of pushing myself to see the result very fast I am failure every day. I eat way too much to be able to lose fast.

I remember back in summer I lived on diet coke and 4 apples a day - while running every day for 40 mins and biking everyday for 40 minutes. It appears to me that I lost many kilos in no time - but maybe this is just my memory tricking me.

I wish I was that thin again: Bony shoulders, jeans in size xxs, and so on.

When I look in the mirror nowadays all I see is a fatass who cannot stop eating like 800 cals everyday. How should I ever lose with that big intake? Even with all the jogging and biking I'll never get down to 42 kilos. I'll never get there.

New plan: Fight the Binge! Your opinions, please!

Since I had huge trouble lately fighting the binging/craving I thought of a new food plan and wanted to hear your honest opinions on this.

a) Do you think it's too many cals / too little variation?
b) Do you think I can lose weight with this plan?
c) If so, how fast do you think can I lose with this plan?
d) Your suggestions to improve?


FOOD (max per day; Saturday: broth fast)

A.M.
2 cups of coffee (30 cals each; cappucchino)
2 apples (60 cals each)
1 Red Bull sugarfree (7 cals)
diet coke unlimited

P.M.
1 cup of coffee (30 cals)
2 apples (60 cals each)
2 packs of low cal low fat cottage cheese (100 cals each)
1 Red Bull sugarfree (7 cals)
diet coke unlimited


SPORTS

(weekdays, daily)
A.M.
100 situps (40)
50 dumb-bell lifts (20)
20 mins biking outdoor (140)

P.M.
20 mins biking outdoor (140)
50 mins running (450)

(weekends, daily)
A.M.
100 situps (40)
50 dumb-bell lifts (20)

P.M.
90 mins biking indoor (630)


basic metabolic rate: 1290 cal (to maintain)

No Control

Why do I feel so out of control lately? Why can't I stay strong, but have to stuff my face with chocolate and everything so that I - like yesterday - all in all consume 1.000 cals? Trained 880 cals off again in the gym, but that doesn't make it feel better. I am a f*cking loser. I once was good at restricting, very soon I had bony shoulders, I shrinked one jeans size and now it feels like not a gramm is going down on the scale. Is this just a feeling? Did it really go that fast the last time? Did this certain therapy now screwed me up more than all the ones before? Or is this just my mad mind and my blind eyes that try to trick me?

I have no idea how I should become strong again. Really strong, not like strong for four days and binge on the fifth again. I once could do that. I ate 4 apples a day for weeks! Ran everyday. Lost fast. Nowadays I am so weak, so out of control. Will I ever be strong again? I am afraid that I won't. I am really afraid one day I can't stop a binge anymore and gain like 10 kilos or so and end up fat. Fatter than I am now.

For f*ck's sake, I WANT TO BE THIN!

Too old for this?

I am 30 years of age, turning 31 this summer. I have had Ana for more than 15 years now. From time to time the question comes to my head if I am not too old for all this. I mean take a look at the typical ED related forums, probably take a look at you! How old are you? How old are most people posting at PAM, Hotter, LifeJournal or whatever? In most cases they're between 14 and 18, maybe 20, struggeling with anorexia for some years. I don't want to say that I am "wiser" as them, but all they're talking about I talked about already ages ago. What they experience now I already know for years.

But even after 15 years I am still "interested" in all this, still asking the same questions over and over again as if I were as "new" to Ana as they are. You don't learn or don't want to learn. Or better: You never get confident enough to believe in your own experiences, you never get confident enough to believe what your head tells you. Like "yes, you'll lose weight when you do x". You always ensure by feedback of others that this or that is really that way.

Sometimes I feel quite weird among the teenagers (this is not meant as an insult!) because I think that I shouldn't be there anymore. That I should have found a solution for all that, that I should have been "cured", just able to live a normal life. But still here I am, miles away from being normal. And honestly: I also don't want to be "normal". Ana is such an important part of my life, I can't even think about being without her. I like it how it is. With all its Up's & Down's.

So there actually is one thing I learned: Living with Anorexia, enjoying life with Anorexia.

Allergic!

Something ends, something new will begin. So let's end this self torturing behaviour of waiting for a call and start focussing on what's really important.

Had a horrible binge on Friday. With lots and lots of bread. Got the bill for that after a few hours. I am actually allergic to amylum. Normally just when it comes too often and in too huge masses, but this time four croissants were enough to make me look like a balloon. My face got swollen, so did my eyes (couldn't hardly open them), stomach hurt badly and everything. I think the less I eat bread (and similar stuff) the worse the allergical reaction gets...

Anyway, it's a good thing (yes, I am crazy), because you never ever want to look like that again! At least as long as you remember the "thing" in the mirror, which you can normally for at least a month.

Taking a glimpse in the mirror and seing such a swollen monster is extremely scary and ugly. And probably the best reverse thinpo and the best motivation you can ever get. It makes you look as if you have like 15 kilos more on your hips... And this is for sure the most horrifying impression you can ever get.

So I got the idea that one fasting day per week would be fine. Diet coke, water, coffee and if the hunger gets too bad a max of 500 ml low cal chicken broth.

Such a day would be a good "cleaner" and additionally boost the metabolism.

Now I've only to figur out which day of the week would suit this fast best. Probably a Friday or something. Anyway, looking forward to my new plan! I really need to get back in shape...

So it gave me a good boost for cutting down food even more. Additionally this huge amount of carbs really pushed my metabolism and the day after I did not feel fatter, but thinner. Well, won't do that again (the eating), but got calmed down a bit, which was really neccessary after this binge eating out of frustration over the lost friend.

...

Two weeks passed. No answer still. So I dropped her a short note. Said again how sorry I am, apologized, said that I just wasn't me during that time, that I understand that she's mad at me now, that she must think I do not cherish and love her, but that this is wrong. I do love her, miss her. That I never meant to hurt her.

Told her that I don't want to force her or push her in any way and that I'll never bother her again. Thanked her for all she has done for me, for being the only real life friend who ever understood ... and said goodbye.

I am drowning in tears. I am fucked up.

This is the end of everything.

Totally f*cked up

It's official: This day is fucked up. I ate two of those Pretzels today. Each 200 cals. Additionally I already had an apple with cottage cheese. And it's not even five in the afternoon. At least no sweets - yet. And no binge on bread - yet. I hope I can resist and won't give in to it later since "everything's fucked up anyway already".

I am such a failure. But I had these very strong cravings for carbs and just couldn't resist. I am so out of will power, it almost scares me. I can always be a good for one or two days, then I screw it up. Why do I always lose my strength? It wasn't always like this. Every damn therapy I was forced to made me weaker and weaker.

600 cals today. That's way too much. And I know that I'll eat something in the evening again. Another 200 cals. Ok, I am going to the gym for two hours, running and biking. But that'll make about 650 cals off. So there's still 150 cals of pure not worked off intake!!!

I am such a fat ass. A weak fat ass.

Feeling alone

The day worked out well. No work, all shops closed due to holidays, no binge, no craving, little food (apples and cottage cheese). But nevertheless I am feeling down. The reason is obvious. And so is the point that it's all my fault, too. I had a friend, a very lovely great person, an ex-ana. Someone who really understood me, but never wanted to change me. She really cared about me. When I went crazy last autumn and left everything behind (friends, family, communication with others in general; didn't even participate in forums anymore or wrote the blog), I left her, too. She regularly tried to contact me via phone or eMail, but I never answered. Last week, I wrote to her, said sorry, tried to explain. And now she leaves me without reply. 

While I was not communicating with her the "silence" felt ok for me. Now that's me who is waiting to hear from her, it's killing me. 

I know it's all my fault. And she is probably angry with me (although I honestly doubt it; she probably is just very busy with work, we're both 30 and no teenagers with lots of free time anymore; she even runs her own business). But it's driving me totally crazy. Every fucking minute of the day I am thinking about what I could do to get her back. But I also don't want to annoy her by writing her eMails over and over again. Or force myself upon her. If she wants to get in contact with me again, she will. If she doesn't, I have to deal with it. I would even understand!

But nevertheless I am checking my eMail account like every 10 minutes. And everytime it's empty I could cry. Now I have even lost her. And I deserve it because of the way I treated her. I am such an ugly person. I deserve to be let alone.

Soliloquy

I am not hungry. I just want to chew something that does not taste like bubblegum. I am bored and can't get out of it. Boredom makes me think of food. An apple at least. Oh come on, that's like nothing! Nothing? Oh, it's way more than that. You don't need it anyway. You're not hungry. You just want to chew. You'll chew something in the evening. Cottage cheese and an apple. It's already waiting for you in the fridge. Seven hours to go. That's not so much. If you eat now, you can't eat in the evening. And you know that you'll be really hungry then. You're not hungry now. So calm down. You got diet coke. And coffee. And cigarettes! What could you need more? See. Everything's fine. Just fine. You're not hungry.

A Matter of Strength

This will be the first day of work again after a long time. I remember I always was happy when I could go to work instead of sitting bored at home trying to distract me from eating. But now I am not yet sure what to make out of it. Being at work also means being close to all kinds of - mostly bad - foods. I am working in the middle of the city and a million bakeries, supermarkets, and take away's are close. So will I be tough enough to resist? Tough enough to refuse?

I was in the last summer. I wasn't in autumn.
But it's just a matter of strength of the will, right? If you want it, you can do it. Whatever you want, whenever you want. And all I want is to become thin.





I don't want to feel this fat on me anymore. I don't want that pulpy meat around my hips, in my face, on my arms, on my belly. I want tight skin, bones, nothing flabby.

Flashback June 08

See that? These were my shoulders in June last year. I was thin back then. Only a very few kilos from my goal weight. Then everything got messed up. And look at me now, a fatass again. Miles away from where I want to be.

I am sooo sad right now. Will I ever be strong enough to get there again - and even further? Will I ever make it through the weeks and months it'll cost me to lose that damn fat again?

So this is it

Today. No food until 8 o'clock in the evening. A small cup of cottage cheese and an apple. Done. Then, a little later, another cottage cheese with a beetroot. All in all not more than 300 cals. But I went mad. And into the bathroom. Two new cuts, one on the right, the other on the left. It felt so good making them. It feels so good wearing them.

Honestly, there was no need for them. I was doing sports today. Quite a lot. I burnt way more calories today than I ate. But it just felt like "too much food". Or I wanted it to feel like "too much food" for then I can take my tiny little Leatherman and decorate my arms with new red lines.

I think there is a growing part of self destruction in me since several weeks. Or months. I mean, I cutted already years ago, but that was more... horrible? Like a punishment. I didn't liked it. It was painful. I almost puked when seing the blood. And nowadays? I love it. Love it so much that I even accept that my boyfriend sees the cuts. I am sure I will always find an excuse. And he is much too naive to believe that I'd hurt myself. Poor him. Poor me?

It was the same with purging. I never did it. I just wasn't able to throw up the food I swallowed. I tried it quite often, then I quitted the ridiculous attempts. In the middle of (now) last year I tried again. Just because I thought I should be able to do it. And it worked out. I needed a toothbrush, but hey, nobody is perfect. I used it often. Sometimes up to five times a day.

Now I do it very rarely. And actually when I do it, I just do it to assure myself that I am still able to do it. Just as "safeguarding". If I ever come into the situation again that I need it. And to feel strong to be in command of my body.

No pain from cutting.
No food stays in my stomach if I don't want so.

It makes me feel so powerful! And I need this feeling like a drug. More and more. Never had these needs before. Not that much. Or in other ways. Got it from pushing me to peak performances in sports and so on. Now it's more... "intimate". Sorry, don't know a term that suits better.

Self destructive. Pretty, beautiful, drop dead gorgeous self destruction.

Every Bite A Cut

After a long time I finally made it to my blog again. Weeks of binging made me fatter than ever. No chance to fight the cravings. But now I am back again. Every bad bite gives a cut on my forearm. And sometimes I aso do it just for fun because I started loving those cuts. Making them, seing them, having them. Just beautiful. I could stare at them and touch them for hours and hours. My own personal reminder of staying strong and never again let myself go so much like in the last weeks.

2009 will be my year of skinniness. I will finally reach my goal. 42 kilos. I am so much looking forward to that day.

Fat!

I thought I had reduced my intake and were on a good way to lose weight again. But when I put on my old trousers this morning, which were quite loose about 4 months ago, they were actually quite tight now! Oh my god, did I really gain so much weight during that time? It's horror! How could I've allowed myself to become such a fatass again?!

I really need to get all this fat off of me. I can't live with how I am. I am so ugly.

Losing

I stepped on the scale on Saturday. 52 kg. I stepped on the scale yesterday evening. 50 kg. This makes 2 kilos in three days. And I weighed myself even in the evening, not early in the morning.

One tiny success at least.

And really, I feel more in control at the moment. I am getting back to finally having more control about my eating habits again. I stayed strong, didn't give in to my cravings lately although it was veeery difficult. I also skipped dinner twice. Well, dinner is only cottage cheese with vegetables, but anyway. I got back to apples and grapes only and I think this is what made me lose again.

Nevertheless I can't skip dinner forever because all of the sports I do. I need the protein from the cottage cheese! But maybe I can only have it two or three times a week and stick to apples the rest of days.

Grapes, at least when I eat lots of them, aren't good for me, too, as I noticed now. I got an intolerance towards hystamine and probably grapes count in there, too. They give me bad stomach growlings and stuff. So I better reduce them. They were my "sweets", but I probably find something to replace them.

To cut a long story short: I am obviously on a good way reaching my goal. But I shouldn't get to enthusiastic about it. We all know that this can make you lazy. So I'll keep on going my way. And hopefully soon I'll see another few kilos drop.

Getting stronger

Today when I took my office break at lunchtime I was badass hungry. I was afraid of walking in a shop because I thought I'd fall for bread or even sweets or something. So I strolled through the streets but finally got the courage to set a foot in the next supermarket to buy me some grapes, two apples, coke light and a sugarfree enegery drink. I managed to pass the cakes, cookies, chocolate and bread rolls without touching it!

Since I will not be able to run tonight because I meet some friends I will try to eat as little as possible. Maybe I could even get through the day with these two apples and the grapes? Would be great. Maybe I even got the time after work to run a short round on my training route. So that I at least burn some calories by running. I actually hate it when my routine is messed up. I bike every day to work and run every day an hour after work. On the weekends I ride my road bike for at least one and a half hours and run as long and as far as I can.

If I can't do one or the other, something is "missing" and I feel like I instantly gain weight. I need to work off all I eat, even more than I eat. Or I panic.

Back after a long time

It has been a long time since I posted something. Sorry for that. I've been through quite a lot of ups and downs lately and gained a lot of weight since summer. I somehow lost control. Completely. I longed for sweet food so badly, binged a lot, got lazy with the sports and became the most disgusting person ever walked on earth. Since a couple of weeks I am trying to get back in shape with more determination. Nevertheless I still don't manage to stick to three apples only a day. Something that was like "foolproof" some months ago. I don't eat much, though, but still a lot of things. IMHO. I hope to get as powerful as I was in summer soon again. I finally want to reach my 42 kilos. I must become as skinny as possible.