450

I can't bear being in my flat anymore. Being sick sucks. So I take a walk outside. Through the dirty side of town. In no time my mind starts wandering. And of course soon after its journey ends at food. I had 450 cals today (in the form of apples and low fat cottage cheese). 450 cals. Woohoo. Massive. Twice as much as yesterday, ten times as much as during my "best days". For a few seconds my brain flares up: "450 cals - that's what 'normal' people have for breakfast only! That's a quarter of a 'normal person's' intake!" I am almost to recognize that I fear for no reason to gain much from this "binge", there she comes around the corner. This strange girl with this huge gap between her thighs, looking awesome, drop dead gorgeous. I'd kill for her legs. 450 get's gigantic again. How could I even only for a minute think that 450 would be only roughly ok? Suddenly stick figures everywhere. 150 joggers passing by. Me lazy fatass didn't even get on the bike today for 20 minutes. Absolutely no excercising. Nothing. Nothing but 450 cals. I am panicking, hiding deep under my hood, rushing home. I feel even more sick when I climbed the fourth floor. Dizzy. Breathless. Anyway, no time for being wimpy. No time for being ill. 450 cals. Must burned off. 

Sick

I am sick. Cold. Fever. Everything. 260 cals intake today. 500 burned off by bking and situps. I just can't stop excercising even when I am ill.

Tomorrow I'll meet my friend. The one I told you about. The friend who did not reply to emails. She called me like eight times and finally I picked up the phone and talked to her. She was busy travelling through the whole country (she's working like everywhere these days) and hadn't access to her email account every day. Anyway, she stops by here on Sunday and we will meet. She cried on the phone yesterday because she was so scared I could... end all this... and she wasn't there for me. 

I am strangly afraid of seing her. Like at our first meeting because she is so beautiful and thin and I am not. I always tend to feel like the uggly duckling next to her. There's always this huge discrepance between loving to have her around (since she literally is the ONLY ONE who ever understood and I really love her as a friend) and feeling bad after meeting her because at some point I always start thinking "Why can't I be more like her?"

There was a weird situation in the office on Friday: We're three people in one room, a man, two women. The other girl said that she trained for 45 minutes on the ergo bike the evening before and the boy said (funny): "Yes, I already wanted to tell you that you look thinner!". I answered (also as a joke): "I am training like hell every f*cking day and you never told me that I look thin!". Both replied: "You're already a stick figure anyway. There is nothing to lose. And if you would lose, we wouln't tell you our congrats, but send you to hospital."

I went to the bathroom straight afterwards to look in the mirror - and still there was this fat monster. I wonder how blind people can be to see me thin...

Thank you!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who wrote comments in the last days. This weeks was extremely difficult for me, don't really know what got me so down, but it feels it's getting better again. I am better at restricting now, no binge eating anymore, the craving is controlable. I wasn't on the treadmill this week so far, but I sat daily on my bike trainer for at least 100 minutes which burned between 870 cals and 1.210 each time. With the situps in the morning I am between 900 and 1.240 daily. So not so really bad.

Today I am back on my treadmill, and on Friday I plan a long bike training session. My bf is not at home so I can spend the night on the trainer and plan to do 200 mins (1.730 cals).

My plan concerning the food is to stick to cottage cheese and apples and broth with occasionally vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, and carrotts). I try to vary the amount, though, to keep my metabolism high, and drink two energy drinks a day (sugarfree).

I really do hope I finally lose now. I mean I feel my jeans getting more loose, but the weight on the scale doesn't go down. I know it's probably due to gaining muscles, but I really need to see a "good" number...

Can't think clearly

I feel so out of control. It's the worst feeling ever. I am so afraid of fricking gaining.... I don't know what happened to me. Where all the will power has gone to. I remember the days when I was strong enough to just not eat. But I can't even can get through a one day fast these days.

How can you all do it??

I just can't stay away from food. And even if it's "good" food, like apples and cottage cheese, both have no fat and little calories and apples even take almost the same amount of cals they contain to be digested - it just scares the hell out of me. Nevertheless I can't stop!!!

So wtf am I doing wrong?

What's wrong with me?

I first thought it's because of the inreased training I do to get in shape for the race in May. I mean during the 100 minutes on the Minoura trainer I burn about 850 cals. This almost equals what I eat. My body needs 1200 cals to maintain. So even if I ate 1.000 cals - would that still be a negative balance? I mean, I know the numbers, I can calculate, but it still feels as if I eat too much to lose.

Eat 1.000
Burn of 850
= 250 remain

My body needs 1.200
I eat 1.000
equals - 200
Also minus 850 of training
equals - 950???

So I have a negative balance, haven't I?
Actually yes... BUT I HAVE EATEN 1.000 CALORIES!!
That's way, way, way, way too much! I should only eat 400 cals. Or a max of 500 cals. I mean I can't lose weight by eating 800 cals a day!! How should that work out?

I am totally fucked up. I can't think clearly anymore. I am sooo afraid of not losing weight. It totally driving me crazy!

I wish I could be like you... who just don't eat. I can't. I simply can't make me stop eating.

...

A cut can't stop me from eating. 

Cutting is not enough.

Getting serious

2.000 cal binge. I am dead. Going to the gym in half an hour. Running for at least 45 mins on the treadmill. 270 cals burned by biking. The treadmill should do another 400. Still too little. I am sure I wake up fat tomorrow morning. I am a weak bitch. Felt it coming yesterday already. 1.300 cals burned on Sunday by biking. Very little food: 520 cals, mostly in apples. Craving as hell. Resisted. Today I fell for it. Chocolate. No chance. I hate myself. I am a fat fuck and this will never change. I had a goal to reach today. But I don't even dare to get close to a scale. Why can't I stay strong anymore? Why is all strength gone? What has happened to me? I need to lose all that fricking fat!!! I am not worth to be here. I will stay away from this blog until I finally reached 49 kilos. I will not allow myself to have support or fun or anything good until I got rid off that damn fat! Wish me luck. Please.

Hate / Love

I write a blog on a woman magazine's website since quite some years. This is also were I met the woman who now caused me a lot of sorrow and anger. Who I thought to be my best friend until she left me - see the whole story some posts below.

To cut a long story short: She left a comment there. She didn't reply to my email for another week, then left for vacation, but now posted a comment on my blog: "You know where to find me. I am looking forward to you!!!"

And now I am totally confused. I am angry and excited at the same time. Probably because I still like her a lot. Nevertheless my head tells me that I should get rid off her because of the way she treated me. And my gut feeling says I should stick with her because she is/was so important for me.

Remember?

Remeber the friend who did not reply to my emails and then, after about two weeks finally sent an answer? Her email was kind, she said things like "she always will be my friend, it would be not me who has to say 'sorry' but her because she did not reply quickly, and so on.

Well, I answered her again a day later, which was Jan 11th.

Yesterday evening another friend told me - casually - that she is off on vacation from today (Jan 15th) on.

I feel like I was lied to. I mean if I would go on vacation and wouldn't be able to check and reply my emails for a whole week I'd try to answer at least the important messages before I take off. She probably did, too! But mine wasn't among them.

It feels a bit like "How could I have been so stupid and naive to believe her what she said after she kept me waiting for two f*cking weeks? Now you see how important your friendship is to her!"

Luckily I am no longer depressed about the whole issue, but "pissed to the bone". I told her my inner thoughts, I told her I loved her, I begged her for forgiveness, really got down on my knees, felt extremely guilty, and now she is paying me back! Which, by the way, would be ok if she hadn't lied to me just a couple of days before by saying how important I still am for her.

Obviously - O B V I O U S L Y - I am not!

"Officially" she didn't even tell me she was on vacation, but is leaving me without any note for another f*cking week! Damn, I am sooooo angry! This whole story has definitely come to an end at this point. I will never again disgrace myself again by dropping her another line begging for friendship. This is over. She is not worth it, this is what I know by now.

I am extremely pissed off. Additionally and out of frustration and anger I had 534 cals in form of chocolate today. Consciously.

Went into a shop during my break at work, bought a pocket knife (Victorinox Soldier, Swiss Army Knife), waited till my colleagues left for lunch break, rolled up my sleeves and made two new cuts, one on each arm, right here in the office.

Will I ever?

Did the worst I could do yesterday. I stepped on the scale. I know I always weigh more when I got my period. And it was evening, too.

So I got what I deserved: 51 kg / 112,4 lbs.

Great.
I could cry all the time.

I am losing way too slow. I wish the pounds would just fall off me. Tomorrow 111, the day after tomorrow 110, then 109, 108, 107, ... 95, 94, 93, 92.

The way is soooo long until I reach my UGW: 92 lbs / 42 kg. It's 20 lbs / 9 kg to lose!

But instead of pushing myself to see the result very fast I am failure every day. I eat way too much to be able to lose fast.

I remember back in summer I lived on diet coke and 4 apples a day - while running every day for 40 mins and biking everyday for 40 minutes. It appears to me that I lost many kilos in no time - but maybe this is just my memory tricking me.

I wish I was that thin again: Bony shoulders, jeans in size xxs, and so on.

When I look in the mirror nowadays all I see is a fatass who cannot stop eating like 800 cals everyday. How should I ever lose with that big intake? Even with all the jogging and biking I'll never get down to 42 kilos. I'll never get there.

New plan: Fight the Binge! Your opinions, please!

Since I had huge trouble lately fighting the binging/craving I thought of a new food plan and wanted to hear your honest opinions on this.

a) Do you think it's too many cals / too little variation?
b) Do you think I can lose weight with this plan?
c) If so, how fast do you think can I lose with this plan?
d) Your suggestions to improve?


FOOD (max per day; Saturday: broth fast)

A.M.
2 cups of coffee (30 cals each; cappucchino)
2 apples (60 cals each)
1 Red Bull sugarfree (7 cals)
diet coke unlimited

P.M.
1 cup of coffee (30 cals)
2 apples (60 cals each)
2 packs of low cal low fat cottage cheese (100 cals each)
1 Red Bull sugarfree (7 cals)
diet coke unlimited


SPORTS

(weekdays, daily)
A.M.
100 situps (40)
50 dumb-bell lifts (20)
20 mins biking outdoor (140)

P.M.
20 mins biking outdoor (140)
50 mins running (450)

(weekends, daily)
A.M.
100 situps (40)
50 dumb-bell lifts (20)

P.M.
90 mins biking indoor (630)


basic metabolic rate: 1290 cal (to maintain)

No Control

Why do I feel so out of control lately? Why can't I stay strong, but have to stuff my face with chocolate and everything so that I - like yesterday - all in all consume 1.000 cals? Trained 880 cals off again in the gym, but that doesn't make it feel better. I am a f*cking loser. I once was good at restricting, very soon I had bony shoulders, I shrinked one jeans size and now it feels like not a gramm is going down on the scale. Is this just a feeling? Did it really go that fast the last time? Did this certain therapy now screwed me up more than all the ones before? Or is this just my mad mind and my blind eyes that try to trick me?

I have no idea how I should become strong again. Really strong, not like strong for four days and binge on the fifth again. I once could do that. I ate 4 apples a day for weeks! Ran everyday. Lost fast. Nowadays I am so weak, so out of control. Will I ever be strong again? I am afraid that I won't. I am really afraid one day I can't stop a binge anymore and gain like 10 kilos or so and end up fat. Fatter than I am now.

For f*ck's sake, I WANT TO BE THIN!

Too old for this?

I am 30 years of age, turning 31 this summer. I have had Ana for more than 15 years now. From time to time the question comes to my head if I am not too old for all this. I mean take a look at the typical ED related forums, probably take a look at you! How old are you? How old are most people posting at PAM, Hotter, LifeJournal or whatever? In most cases they're between 14 and 18, maybe 20, struggeling with anorexia for some years. I don't want to say that I am "wiser" as them, but all they're talking about I talked about already ages ago. What they experience now I already know for years.

But even after 15 years I am still "interested" in all this, still asking the same questions over and over again as if I were as "new" to Ana as they are. You don't learn or don't want to learn. Or better: You never get confident enough to believe in your own experiences, you never get confident enough to believe what your head tells you. Like "yes, you'll lose weight when you do x". You always ensure by feedback of others that this or that is really that way.

Sometimes I feel quite weird among the teenagers (this is not meant as an insult!) because I think that I shouldn't be there anymore. That I should have found a solution for all that, that I should have been "cured", just able to live a normal life. But still here I am, miles away from being normal. And honestly: I also don't want to be "normal". Ana is such an important part of my life, I can't even think about being without her. I like it how it is. With all its Up's & Down's.

So there actually is one thing I learned: Living with Anorexia, enjoying life with Anorexia.

Allergic!

Something ends, something new will begin. So let's end this self torturing behaviour of waiting for a call and start focussing on what's really important.

Had a horrible binge on Friday. With lots and lots of bread. Got the bill for that after a few hours. I am actually allergic to amylum. Normally just when it comes too often and in too huge masses, but this time four croissants were enough to make me look like a balloon. My face got swollen, so did my eyes (couldn't hardly open them), stomach hurt badly and everything. I think the less I eat bread (and similar stuff) the worse the allergical reaction gets...

Anyway, it's a good thing (yes, I am crazy), because you never ever want to look like that again! At least as long as you remember the "thing" in the mirror, which you can normally for at least a month.

Taking a glimpse in the mirror and seing such a swollen monster is extremely scary and ugly. And probably the best reverse thinpo and the best motivation you can ever get. It makes you look as if you have like 15 kilos more on your hips... And this is for sure the most horrifying impression you can ever get.

So I got the idea that one fasting day per week would be fine. Diet coke, water, coffee and if the hunger gets too bad a max of 500 ml low cal chicken broth.

Such a day would be a good "cleaner" and additionally boost the metabolism.

Now I've only to figur out which day of the week would suit this fast best. Probably a Friday or something. Anyway, looking forward to my new plan! I really need to get back in shape...

So it gave me a good boost for cutting down food even more. Additionally this huge amount of carbs really pushed my metabolism and the day after I did not feel fatter, but thinner. Well, won't do that again (the eating), but got calmed down a bit, which was really neccessary after this binge eating out of frustration over the lost friend.

...

Two weeks passed. No answer still. So I dropped her a short note. Said again how sorry I am, apologized, said that I just wasn't me during that time, that I understand that she's mad at me now, that she must think I do not cherish and love her, but that this is wrong. I do love her, miss her. That I never meant to hurt her.

Told her that I don't want to force her or push her in any way and that I'll never bother her again. Thanked her for all she has done for me, for being the only real life friend who ever understood ... and said goodbye.

I am drowning in tears. I am fucked up.

This is the end of everything.

Totally f*cked up

It's official: This day is fucked up. I ate two of those Pretzels today. Each 200 cals. Additionally I already had an apple with cottage cheese. And it's not even five in the afternoon. At least no sweets - yet. And no binge on bread - yet. I hope I can resist and won't give in to it later since "everything's fucked up anyway already".

I am such a failure. But I had these very strong cravings for carbs and just couldn't resist. I am so out of will power, it almost scares me. I can always be a good for one or two days, then I screw it up. Why do I always lose my strength? It wasn't always like this. Every damn therapy I was forced to made me weaker and weaker.

600 cals today. That's way too much. And I know that I'll eat something in the evening again. Another 200 cals. Ok, I am going to the gym for two hours, running and biking. But that'll make about 650 cals off. So there's still 150 cals of pure not worked off intake!!!

I am such a fat ass. A weak fat ass.

Feeling alone

The day worked out well. No work, all shops closed due to holidays, no binge, no craving, little food (apples and cottage cheese). But nevertheless I am feeling down. The reason is obvious. And so is the point that it's all my fault, too. I had a friend, a very lovely great person, an ex-ana. Someone who really understood me, but never wanted to change me. She really cared about me. When I went crazy last autumn and left everything behind (friends, family, communication with others in general; didn't even participate in forums anymore or wrote the blog), I left her, too. She regularly tried to contact me via phone or eMail, but I never answered. Last week, I wrote to her, said sorry, tried to explain. And now she leaves me without reply. 

While I was not communicating with her the "silence" felt ok for me. Now that's me who is waiting to hear from her, it's killing me. 

I know it's all my fault. And she is probably angry with me (although I honestly doubt it; she probably is just very busy with work, we're both 30 and no teenagers with lots of free time anymore; she even runs her own business). But it's driving me totally crazy. Every fucking minute of the day I am thinking about what I could do to get her back. But I also don't want to annoy her by writing her eMails over and over again. Or force myself upon her. If she wants to get in contact with me again, she will. If she doesn't, I have to deal with it. I would even understand!

But nevertheless I am checking my eMail account like every 10 minutes. And everytime it's empty I could cry. Now I have even lost her. And I deserve it because of the way I treated her. I am such an ugly person. I deserve to be let alone.

Soliloquy

I am not hungry. I just want to chew something that does not taste like bubblegum. I am bored and can't get out of it. Boredom makes me think of food. An apple at least. Oh come on, that's like nothing! Nothing? Oh, it's way more than that. You don't need it anyway. You're not hungry. You just want to chew. You'll chew something in the evening. Cottage cheese and an apple. It's already waiting for you in the fridge. Seven hours to go. That's not so much. If you eat now, you can't eat in the evening. And you know that you'll be really hungry then. You're not hungry now. So calm down. You got diet coke. And coffee. And cigarettes! What could you need more? See. Everything's fine. Just fine. You're not hungry.

A Matter of Strength

This will be the first day of work again after a long time. I remember I always was happy when I could go to work instead of sitting bored at home trying to distract me from eating. But now I am not yet sure what to make out of it. Being at work also means being close to all kinds of - mostly bad - foods. I am working in the middle of the city and a million bakeries, supermarkets, and take away's are close. So will I be tough enough to resist? Tough enough to refuse?

I was in the last summer. I wasn't in autumn.
But it's just a matter of strength of the will, right? If you want it, you can do it. Whatever you want, whenever you want. And all I want is to become thin.





I don't want to feel this fat on me anymore. I don't want that pulpy meat around my hips, in my face, on my arms, on my belly. I want tight skin, bones, nothing flabby.

Flashback June 08

See that? These were my shoulders in June last year. I was thin back then. Only a very few kilos from my goal weight. Then everything got messed up. And look at me now, a fatass again. Miles away from where I want to be.

I am sooo sad right now. Will I ever be strong enough to get there again - and even further? Will I ever make it through the weeks and months it'll cost me to lose that damn fat again?

So this is it

Today. No food until 8 o'clock in the evening. A small cup of cottage cheese and an apple. Done. Then, a little later, another cottage cheese with a beetroot. All in all not more than 300 cals. But I went mad. And into the bathroom. Two new cuts, one on the right, the other on the left. It felt so good making them. It feels so good wearing them.

Honestly, there was no need for them. I was doing sports today. Quite a lot. I burnt way more calories today than I ate. But it just felt like "too much food". Or I wanted it to feel like "too much food" for then I can take my tiny little Leatherman and decorate my arms with new red lines.

I think there is a growing part of self destruction in me since several weeks. Or months. I mean, I cutted already years ago, but that was more... horrible? Like a punishment. I didn't liked it. It was painful. I almost puked when seing the blood. And nowadays? I love it. Love it so much that I even accept that my boyfriend sees the cuts. I am sure I will always find an excuse. And he is much too naive to believe that I'd hurt myself. Poor him. Poor me?

It was the same with purging. I never did it. I just wasn't able to throw up the food I swallowed. I tried it quite often, then I quitted the ridiculous attempts. In the middle of (now) last year I tried again. Just because I thought I should be able to do it. And it worked out. I needed a toothbrush, but hey, nobody is perfect. I used it often. Sometimes up to five times a day.

Now I do it very rarely. And actually when I do it, I just do it to assure myself that I am still able to do it. Just as "safeguarding". If I ever come into the situation again that I need it. And to feel strong to be in command of my body.

No pain from cutting.
No food stays in my stomach if I don't want so.

It makes me feel so powerful! And I need this feeling like a drug. More and more. Never had these needs before. Not that much. Or in other ways. Got it from pushing me to peak performances in sports and so on. Now it's more... "intimate". Sorry, don't know a term that suits better.

Self destructive. Pretty, beautiful, drop dead gorgeous self destruction.