I thought I had reduced my intake and were on a good way to lose weight again. But when I put on my old trousers this morning, which were quite loose about 4 months ago, they were actually quite tight now! Oh my god, did I really gain so much weight during that time? It's horror! How could I've allowed myself to become such a fatass again?!
I really need to get all this fat off of me. I can't live with how I am. I am so ugly.
I stepped on the scale on Saturday. 52 kg. I stepped on the scale yesterday evening. 50 kg. This makes 2 kilos in three days. And I weighed myself even in the evening, not early in the morning.
One tiny success at least.
And really, I feel more in control at the moment. I am getting back to finally having more control about my eating habits again. I stayed strong, didn't give in to my cravings lately although it was veeery difficult. I also skipped dinner twice. Well, dinner is only cottage cheese with vegetables, but anyway. I got back to apples and grapes only and I think this is what made me lose again.
Nevertheless I can't skip dinner forever because all of the sports I do. I need the protein from the cottage cheese! But maybe I can only have it two or three times a week and stick to apples the rest of days.
Grapes, at least when I eat lots of them, aren't good for me, too, as I noticed now. I got an intolerance towards hystamine and probably grapes count in there, too. They give me bad stomach growlings and stuff. So I better reduce them. They were my "sweets", but I probably find something to replace them.
To cut a long story short: I am obviously on a good way reaching my goal. But I shouldn't get to enthusiastic about it. We all know that this can make you lazy. So I'll keep on going my way. And hopefully soon I'll see another few kilos drop.
Today when I took my office break at lunchtime I was badass hungry. I was afraid of walking in a shop because I thought I'd fall for bread or even sweets or something. So I strolled through the streets but finally got the courage to set a foot in the next supermarket to buy me some grapes, two apples, coke light and a sugarfree enegery drink. I managed to pass the cakes, cookies, chocolate and bread rolls without touching it!
Since I will not be able to run tonight because I meet some friends I will try to eat as little as possible. Maybe I could even get through the day with these two apples and the grapes? Would be great. Maybe I even got the time after work to run a short round on my training route. So that I at least burn some calories by running. I actually hate it when my routine is messed up. I bike every day to work and run every day an hour after work. On the weekends I ride my road bike for at least one and a half hours and run as long and as far as I can.
If I can't do one or the other, something is "missing" and I feel like I instantly gain weight. I need to work off all I eat, even more than I eat. Or I panic.
It has been a long time since I posted something. Sorry for that. I've been through quite a lot of ups and downs lately and gained a lot of weight since summer. I somehow lost control. Completely. I longed for sweet food so badly, binged a lot, got lazy with the sports and became the most disgusting person ever walked on earth. Since a couple of weeks I am trying to get back in shape with more determination. Nevertheless I still don't manage to stick to three apples only a day. Something that was like "foolproof" some months ago. I don't eat much, though, but still a lot of things. IMHO. I hope to get as powerful as I was in summer soon again. I finally want to reach my 42 kilos. I must become as skinny as possible.
I am back now from meeting her. HER. And I almost cried when I saw her. She is so unbelievably beautiful. What a perfect woman she is. She is drop dead gorgeous - and as thin as I never will be. She was so nice to me, she was so kind, we had a lot of fun, actually. But now that I am home again - actually already on my way back home - I am more depressed than I ever was. I could cry. I could scream. I could kill myself. She is so beautiful and she has the body I always wanted to have. I am such a fat fuck. I am a pile of fricking worthless shit. And she is nothing but pure beauty. Perfect. I am not. I am far away from being even close to bearable. I am ugly and fat.
I will never eat something again. I will starve myself to get just a little bit closer to what she is.
Why can't I be a little bit more like her? Successful. Pretty. Gorgeous. Thin.
I can't bear myself anymore. I can't bear this fricking fat body. I can't. I just wanna die. I am so overwhelmed by her beauty. Such beauty I'll never achieve.
I wonder why she even talked to me, why she spent her time with me although I am such a fat cow. It must have been so embarrassing for her to be seen with me.
I MUST get thinner. Next time we meet (she wants it! She really wants it although I am so ugly! She is such a good person and I am such a fat cow) I MUST weigh less. I MUST lose at least 5 more kilos. I actually MUST lose even more.
Damn, she is soooo pretty!! Why can't I just have half of her beauty?? Why must I be such an ugly fatass?
I did it three times. The first time I was shocked and embarrased. The second time I only felt a bit ashamed. The third time was lifting me higher and making me proud over winning the battle with food.
Now it has become normal.
My body was craving for energy today. I was 2 hours on my road bike early this morning. High speed, burnt about 1.000 cals. Then I was on the mountain bike in the afternoon. Another 400 cals in almost one hour. Later I went for a jog. 45 mins, high speed. Again 560 cals off. And I ate 4 apples and a green salad with a can of tuna and 2 tomatos. So I fell for 4 pieces of chocolate. And about 5 mins after I swallowed them I went to the bathroom and purged until all chocolate was out again.
It was very easy, very relaxed, very calm, nothing "extraordinary". I did it, I smiled afterwards, I felt strong, powerful, in total control.
So, this is what has become of me. I officially discovered purging as my "last solution" when I did something wrong. I am not a binger, I am still very afraid of food and calories, so this "discovery" won't become an excuse for stuffing a million things in my mouth. The only "danger" could be that I purge just everything I eat. Because I know now how it works.
After 15 years ofpure anorexia I added a new "feature" to my ED. And to be honest: My weird mind is damn proud of me.
All our times have come Here but now they're gone Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain We can be like they are
Come on baby... Don't fear the Reaper Baby take my hand... Don't fear the Reaper We'll be able to fly... Don't fear the Reaper Baby I'm your man...
Valentine is done Here but now they're gone Romeo and Juliet Are together in eternity... Romeo and Juliet
40,000 men and women everyday... Like Romeo and Juliet 40,000 men and women everyday... Redefine happiness Another 40,000 coming everyday... We can be like they are
Come on baby... Don't fear the Reaper Baby take my hand... Don't fear the Reaper We'll be able to fly... Don't fear the Reaper Baby I'm your man...
Love of two is one Here but now they're gone Came the last night of sadness And it was clear we couldn't go on The door was open and the wind appeared The candles blew and then disappeared The curtains flew then he appeared Saying don't be afraid
Come on baby... And we had no fear And we ran to him... Then we started to fly We looked backward and said goodbye We had become like they are We had taken his hand We had become like they are
Yesterday evening I once again, for the second time, willingly threw up after a "binge". I had a small bowl of cereals and half a bar of chocolate. And already while stuffing this stuff into my mouth my stomach started hurting so badly that I couldn't stand straight up. So I took my tooth brush and went to the toilet while my bf was sitting in the room next door listening to music via his headphones. It took me 20 minutes and several attempts, but finally I got everything out.
Weird: Afterwards I didn't felt half as guilty as after the first time I threw up. Quite the contrary. I felt powerful, strong and satisfied, although I looked like a monster when I went to the bathroom mirror straight afterwards. Red eyes, somehow "swollen" face...
I don't plan to throw up regularly now, but it appears to be a "good" solution after a binge. Nevertheless I try to avoid binges at all costs, but if it happens, I now know that I can make it "a little bit" undone...
Damn, I gave in to carbs again. Had two Naan breads (together 250 cals) late in the evening. I just coudn't resist. And although I immediately went for another jog (already jogged 7 km that day, went 40 km on my road bike any hiked 7 km), I gained half a kilo! Even if this is just muscle weight due to the huge amount of sports I am doing since several weeks, I gained! But how in the world can I finally lose weight? I eat very little (only fruits and vegetables), I burn so many calories by jogging and biking, but still I gain! My metab seems to be ok, though. Do I have to eat even less? Do I have to cut down the sport? I am desperate. I must lose 5 kg as fast as possible. But all I do is gain!
For fuck's sake - I messed it up again. And this time big time. I am back at my plateau weight. Not that I started eating much more, I "just" messed up my metabolism. Eating nothing but apples might be a good idea for one week, but not for two or more. Restricting does only work when you do it smartly, thus vary your calorie intake and not consume 300 cals every day. You'll lose water weight quickly, but when it's gone, losing stops. And you start even gaining by just eating a little more than your 300 cals. No matter how much sport you do.
So here comes plan b to finally get some progress in this whole effin' story. 1. Mark: Losing weight is not an easy job. Restricting calories "just so" doesn't get you where you wanna be. 2. Vary your calorie intake. Don't overeat, but vary. You don't need a strict plan to follow, just make sure to not eat the same amount of cals everyday, but have a difference from several hundred cals per day. 3. Vary your sports routine. Do not run the same amount of kilometers every day. Do not bike the same amount of calories every day. Do not make the same amount of situps everyday. 4. Stay away from "bad carbs". No bread, no cornflakes, no musli, no potatos and similar things. Get carbs from fruits (apples, for example). 5. Drink as much as you can.
So after a bad binge yesterday (which started of course with carbs - I ate 250ml of beef broth with some noodles and then it went on with a can of tuna, a small bowl of cornflakes, and half a bar of cocolate!), I had an apple and coffee for breakfast to kickstart the metabolism, made my situps, went to work by bike and have my first herbal tea now. I plan a full fruit day today, with even more apples and grapes. So I'll stay below the amount of cals from yesterday. Tomorrow I'll have again apples and grapes, but I'll add some soy products (maybe a yoghurt or something). I'll also run the shorter distance today and will keep the long one for the weekend. I'll plan to stick to a low carb diet over the weekend (cottage cheese with radish and cucumbers for breakfast, salat for lunch), and I hope it will be easy to convince my bf that it's nothing to worry about. Maybe this will finally make me break my plateau again.
I broke my plateau! I did it! After four days of apples only and a lot of sport I am at 108 now. I came from 114 when I started on Monday! I am so happy, can't describe it with words. This is surely "my new thing". I didn't even crave anything else during the last days: no carbs, no sweets, no nothing. After the frickin' weekend where I have to eat almost normally again because I'm with my bf all the time, I will a 100% start with apples on Monday again. They will be my food of the week until I finally reached my goal. I lost 6 pounds in such a short time. So I really could make it to get rid off the rest until summer. 18 to go then I am perfect.
I was so good all the last two weeks. And then comes the weekend and everything gets ruined. I ate like a pig. I binged. I had peanut butter on crisp bread. Not one, not two, not three, but four. I had chocolate. Not one piece, not two, but eight. I had TUCs. I had salami for breakfast. I don't dare to step on the scale. I must have gained every single pound back I lost. If not even more. I was so weak. What a weak fatass I am. What a worthless, uncontrolled piece of shit. I can do nothing right, I do always fail. I must stop being such a weak idiot. I must be strong. I simply MUST get thin, there cannot be any other more important thing.
I start taking RF again. Who cares about the nervous heart rate. I MUST burn fat. Now. I will only eat three apples a day from now on. For at least a weak. A day of failure will result in a day of fasting.
On my way to work (I go by bike everydays, 8 km each way), I stopped at a bread shop because I felt so hungry and was craving bread so much. I bought a sunflower weed wholemeal roll, which has more than 280 calories per piece, I found out at the office browsing the web. So I was strong and gave it to a colleague instead of eating it. I am still hungry, though, but I won't eat so fricking many calories just for a bread roll, for Christ's sake! I am so happy I didn't. Would have felt guilty the whole day. So I am drinking a hot sweet tea (artificial no cal sweetener, of course) with a dash of low fat milk now, had a glass of water with little lemon juice and two more konjac flour capsules (had two when I got up already).
For lunch there will be a mug of pancake soup (39 cals), as a snack half an apple (40 cals) in the afternoon and for dinner some radishs (30), with 75 g cottage cheese (52 cals) and two slices of crispbread (40).
Found a great "new" hunger surpressant: konjac flour capsules. 100 capsules cost about 10 Euros and you consume up to 9 per day. So it's not so very cheap, but it's working better than Hoodia, IMHO. These capsules expand big time (up t0 200 %) in your stomach. It becomes a pasty mash in your belly, which is covered with an indigestive shell. So it stays longer in your stomach and makes you longer feel full.
Konjac flour contains protein, no carbs, no sugar, no fat, but a lot of fibre.
I take 3 capsules in the morning, 2 for dinner, 3 in the afternoon and 1 before I go to sleep. Works perfect: Full stomach, no collywobbles. Sometimes you even feel a bit sick due to the huge mass of "stuff" in your belly which additionally keeps you from being hungry. Perfect.
Sunday was, as always, bad. I had chocolate after dinner. Just a tiny bit, but nevertheless. And dinner also was huge. As well as lunch. Only breakfast was ok, but still I ate way too much. And it even didn't make my heart more comfortable. I have troubles with an irregular heartbeat or whatever it is since a few days. And I guess I'm off to the doctor this afternoon. It's very probably related to my "less than 200 cal"-diet of the last week, but still I hope there is another reason for it and that it will be gone soon. I'm slowly getting scared.
But anyway, I am back to basics now. I thought about having 500 cals per day. It will make me lose more slowly, but at least more healthy than having no food at all. I am not sure if I make it, though. I am really afraid of food and it will be difficult to eat generally. I've no plan yet of what to eat, but I thought about a huge green salad in the evening and a soup for lunch. And maybe an apple as a snack in the afternoon. But I am not sure if I can make it.
Today I purged for the first time. I binged on chocolate flavoured cornflakes and half a chocolate easter bunny after staying below 200 cals everyday since Sunday. I spit the last two bites of the easter bunny into the garbage can when I recognized - much too late - what I was doing. Then I ran to the toilet and tried to get the rest of it out. With the help of the well known "tools" I finally managed to get all the chocolate out, but it was too late for the chocolate flakes. Some got out, but it was more than an hour ago after I ate them, so I stopped knowing that there's no point any longer in getting rid off them.
I am not happy with what I've done since I am not even a 100% convinced that it prevented my body from absorbing some of these fricking calories. I am totally frustrated and disgusted by myself - that I could fail so much after such a good week and eat a ton of shit, that I purged secretly and almost without any sound while my boyfriend is in the next room, and that I took my ED to a "next step" and thus a place where I've never been before in 15 year of Ana.
Two hours ago I had dinner (one slice of bread with yoghurt cheese and a slice of sweet pepper) and was prosecuted with heavy stomach ache soon afterwards.
It's not just my head who refuses to eat.
How can you not hate food in moments like these, when you are convulsed with pain, when everything hurts and it feels like your tummy would be torn apart? How can you not wish for never ever having to eat again?
After the start of the week with 65 calories I ended it up with 440 yesterday. And I am sad and disgustet about it! While others say (and my ratio, too), that everything below 500 is still very, very little, I am in shock! How could I allow myself to eat that much during the week when I'm actually supposed to eat almost nothing because I will stuff myself with food on the weekend!? How I again ruined the whole week and even the 30 minutes jog yesterday evening will not make my failure undone.
See? This is what I am thinking since I got down to 65. This is what finally has become of me again (!) after finishing IP. I am back where I was a year ago. I am back where I belong. I am no longer forbidding me to eat although I learnt to like the taste of food, I am forbidding me to eat because I am afraid of calories.
I feel unbelievably strong and great and powerful and over-the-top! Now it seems as if I've finally passed this effin' invisible border that kept me from losing weight again, from shaping my body after my ideal of beauty. I've done it. Now it can start again...
I planned to stick below 200 cals today and ended up with 65. Had quite a lot of stress at work and there was no time to eat anything at all. So I just had coffee and one of these small Optiwell yoghurt thingys. Got very dizzy on my way home, so I skipped the planned jog, but it's snowing and freezing over here anyway. Would have had a hard time running in the -8 °C cold storm...
Anyway - this was a promising start of the pre-easter-weightloss-phase.
16 years of Ana with a neverending story of Up's & Down's. Now I am 31 and sure that she will be forever by my side. If this scares me? No, it doesn't. To be honest? I love her.
You can learn to love anything I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I'm light-headed, or have a hunger headache or better yet, all of the above, it means I'm getting thinner. I feel strong, on top of myself, in control.
