New Rules

- do not eat before 2 p.m. 
- do not eat after 10 p.m. 
- do not eat more than 150 cals at once 
- do not eat more often than once every two hours 
- do not eat fat at all 
- do not eat sugar, except fruit sugar 
- do not eat chocolate in any form or shape, no matter what 
- do not have yoghurt drinks - they won't fill your stomach, are consumed to fast, have large amount of cals, and come in too big sizes 
- do not eat dairy products with more than 0,1 % fat 

- eat fruit / drink diet coke to tame your sweet tooth 
- eat vegetables to fill your stomach 
- eat meat only if necessary; get your protein from dairy products 
- drink 0.2 litres of water before every meal 
- drink 2 litres of pure water everyday 
- drink 2 cups of nettle tea to dehydrate and detox every day 
- drink 1 - 2 sugarfree energy drinks every day to keep your metabolism high 

- excercise for at least an hour everyday (running, biking) 
- do 100 situps every day before going to work 
- try to be in motion as often as possible, even if it's just swinging your foot 
- do not take public transport, but go everywhere by bike or foot

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Tomorrow is the first weigh in (at PAM's Café - Thin for summer competition) after the competition started. I am quite scared because I really was too often too weak last week. This is why I created my new rules. The upcoming days must be better, my weight loss at the next weigh in must be much more than this time. I really hope to get down to 50 (and maybe even below) within the next 8 days. This MUST be doable.

Day 3

I had chocolate today. 267 fricking cals. I hate me. Day 3 and I get weak. It's half past 1 pm and I already used up 80 % of my intake for today. Hardly 200 cals left. So this will be a long afternoon and evening, it seems! Going for a bike ride after work though. When everything works out as planned this will burn off 720 cals. I also could run the same route as yesterday which would add another 600 + cals to the amount of excercised of cals. Additionally being "on the move" the whole evening will keep me from stuffing my face with even more food.

It's really, really difficult right now to withstand the temptation to just shop a huge mass of chocolate and eat it within minutes. I am such a fat pig...

Second Day

It's the second day of my personal challenge now. Got support from some lovely girls (especially from P., who made me an awesome food plan) and still feel like I really could do it. I don't eat before 2 p.m., which really makes it easier for me to control my intake. If I crave something earlier (like today), I drink Pepsi light / Coke Zero, tea, or water or have a Tic Tac or sugarfree chewing gum.

The big amount of caffeine keeps my metab high, additionally I am doing a lot of excercising (biking, running, situps).

I eat fruit, vegetables and fat free milk products like cottage cheese and yoghurt for having enough protein in my meals to be able to go on excercising.

My calorie intake is varies between 0 (one fasting day a week) and 800 cals. This variation also is good for your metabolism and stops it from slowing down.

I am always trying to stay below the max cals per day, though. That allows me to have an "extra snack" in the evening sometimes when I got "spare cals" to use up.

On Monday is weigh in. I won't step on the scale before that day. I hope I see a change then.

Starting all over: A challenge is to come

_I want to be thin, very thin
_25 inch jeans should look loose
_I want to be skinnier than my friend Y.
_I want to get rid off most of my body fat
_I want to have pencil legs
_I want a stick figure
_I want to see sinews and muscles under my skin
_I want people to notice that I get less and less
_I want people to see and say that I am thin
_I want a huge gab between my thighs
_I want a sharp edged face
_I want to be able to live on oxygen


I'd like to start a challenge. A serious one. Someone's gonna up to join? Lose as many pounds as possible. I'm at 116 now. By the end of July I want to be 105 max. 
 

I would do anything

I would do anything to be thin. Anything. I'd take any med that supports weightloss. Ephedrinee - don't care about if it's dangerous. I'd take drugs. Junkies are always tiny. I've seen these speed queens and cocaine ladies in the tube stations and in dark corners. They've pencil legs and stick figures. I want that, too. And I'd do anything for it. 

I tried all these otc drugs. Hoodia, Trimspa. Whatever. Nothing really helped losing weight. Restricting, Fasting, Excercising, sure. But I thought these drugs would increase and speed up the weight loss. Nothing happened. Nothing worked.

I finally want a real, a working weight loss drug. No matter if it's healthy or dangerous - it must just work! That's all I want from it. 

Please help! So desperate! Need advice!

I really need help! I got an email from a friend today. Actually she wanted to cheer me up, but the whole thing went into a completely different direction. 

First some background info: My friend is a recovered anorexic of my age. She's 1,72m tall. 

She wanted to cheer me up by telling me the following story of which I give you an excerpt now: 

"[...] Probably I'll never have a "normal" body image and I am still proud that I am thin. I have no problem with cooking and eating - but I also have no problem with not eating from time to time. My comfortable weight is at 52 kilos. I don't need less, but if it gets more, woe me! Then I feel fat again. It's weird, but I know I'll never ever get rid off that fear again. I just learned to live with it. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's not, but I never want to weigh 45 kilos again.[...]" 

WTF? 52 kg (114 lbs) at 1,72 m (5'6 ft)? 
50 kg (110 lbs) is what I am forced to weigh in every fricking therapy I made! 
And I am 5'2 ft!! 

I am really shocked. I mean I know she's thin. I know she's much thinner than I am. But when I read the number today, it hit me like a hammer. If I want to be comparable to her I must weigh 40 kg (88 lbs). And I really must be that thin. I MUST be. There's no way around it and there's no comment or advice that will keep me from this idea. It might be dangerous, because I want to lose as fast as possible. I know that. And I know that I might gain that weight back as fast as I lost it. Please don't tell me that it is not neccessary to lose this much this fast, please don't tell me that it is dangerous, please don't tell me things like that. I know all this. I know the dangers, I know the risks, I know that this weight is low and that it's not healthy and all that sh*t. But I am determined. There's nothing that can erase this idea. 

And now I need your help. Please help me. 
I am 110 lbs now - how long do you think will it take to get down to 88? 
Will restricting and doing sports be enough? 
How many cals would you suggest to lose as fast as possible? 
Is fasting the ultimate solution? 
I should set interim goals - which steps are plausible / doable? 

I mean I once was there. I was even below that weight. But it took me sooooo long to get there. It took ages to get down to 70 lbs. I don't want it to take ages to get down to 88 lbs. I know that losing fast is not the best way to lose. But I have no other choice. I can't wait anylonger. I don't know what I do when I stay fat. 

Please help me. I am desperate. I don't think I can do it alone. 
I can't stand being that fat anymore. This fricking therapy screwed everything up. I can't go on like this. I really need your help. Please...

The magic number: 41

I am at 53 kg right now. This is the weight the therapists want me to see with. And stay with. It's not the weight I feel ok with. What a surprise. My plan is to get down to 41. 41 kg is a number I can take. 41 is "ok". But 41 is also far far away. 48 was the lowest I was at last summer. And it was really hard work and needed a lot of willpower and strength. I don't know if I could do that again - and then go even further. But starting the whole idea by doubting is a bad start. So I just plan. Plan to drop to 41 kg.

Please help me stay strong. I need to get there.

back

Sorry guys for leaving you for such a long time. Had a really bad spring. In all these years with Ana I never felt so desperate and lonely and hopeless like earlier this year. It went straight downwards from late March and "ended" with my attempt to end my life. After taking huge amounts of pills and making endless cuts on my arms, legs, belly, I "luckily" woke up in an hospital bed, intravenous drips in my arms, a sore throat, headaches and lots and lots of patches on my skin. 

Until today I do not know if I should be happy with the result, if I should be happy that I am still alive. I still don't know if my story took the better turn by "going on" instead of "ending". Will I ever?

But now that I am here, I have to deal with it - for now. So here we go again, reset, restart all over again. The battle begins, eight kilos have to go. As fast as possible. Now.