2009/09/30

I don't feel like losing.

I don't feel like losing. I am eating very little but still it feels too much. But i can't cut it further down because I won't be able to do all my sports. Nevertheless I feel so guilty everytime something passes my lips. Even when it's just a cup of a 50 cal Cappucchino or a Red Bull Sugarfree. That's all I had so far - and I already rode my bike for about an hour. I will ride it again for half an hour during lunch break and another hour in the evening. Then I'll go for a jog at for an hour, too. Once again I'm training off about 1.200 cals. My body needs 1.000 cals to maintain. 2.200 cals would make me maintain my weight, everything below will make me lose.

Yet, it doesn't feel like I am doing it right. It feels like failing all the time.

Yesterday I had three cookies, alltogether 500 cals. Nevertheless I lost 100 g over night. I am now at 52.7 kg (116 lbs). I want to reach 43. So almost 9 kg to go.

When I've reached 48 I can meet people like my gorgeous friend again. 48 was the weight she saw me with. I can't meet her with more fat on my hips. I'd prefer to meet her again when I am even below 48. I wish I was 43 now, I wish I'd look pale and skinny, and we'd meet then. And she'd say "You look scary thin and sick". I would be so proud of myself. But reaching 43 will take ages...

3 comments:

PeriAdot (G+P) said...

Do what you want to do man!! Tell the shrieking harridan in your head to sod off :) On the bright side, training+fuel=lean muscle mass=high metabolism=more calories burned without effort :D

What sports do you do? I'm so jealous of you right now. I'm too poor to afford NZJF fees and local club fees to keep up the judo :'(

*Hugs*

Phöbus said...

"and after the 43, i'm still fat. than i want to have a weight of 33. and than 30."

and than? there is the death. waiting for people like you. stupid stupid stupid people who doesn't see the beautiful life! don't count cals, LIVE!!! you have just these life. ONE life. no more. go out, have fun, meet friends, have sex and love. live! don't go on. it destroys this one life. i know what i'm talking about.

why must nice and fun loving people die in accidents while ill people like you are allowed to live on? you want to die. people who die in accidents did'nt want to.
i hate it to read about these illness, these selfish people... the center of your life is you you you and you. i hate it. hate it hate it.

-alice- said...

Uff, i would like so much to weight 52.7 kg! Now I'm 59.8kg and I want to start losing weight, I'm tired of being fat! My first goal is 55 kilos but my parents always control what I eat :/
Stay strong 52.7 kg it's not so much and with all the exercices you do you will lose weight soon :)