I don't feel like losing.

I don't feel like losing. I am eating very little but still it feels too much. But i can't cut it further down because I won't be able to do all my sports. Nevertheless I feel so guilty everytime something passes my lips. Even when it's just a cup of a 50 cal Cappucchino or a Red Bull Sugarfree. That's all I had so far - and I already rode my bike for about an hour. I will ride it again for half an hour during lunch break and another hour in the evening. Then I'll go for a jog at for an hour, too. Once again I'm training off about 1.200 cals. My body needs 1.000 cals to maintain. 2.200 cals would make me maintain my weight, everything below will make me lose.

Yet, it doesn't feel like I am doing it right. It feels like failing all the time.

Yesterday I had three cookies, alltogether 500 cals. Nevertheless I lost 100 g over night. I am now at 52.7 kg (116 lbs). I want to reach 43. So almost 9 kg to go.

When I've reached 48 I can meet people like my gorgeous friend again. 48 was the weight she saw me with. I can't meet her with more fat on my hips. I'd prefer to meet her again when I am even below 48. I wish I was 43 now, I wish I'd look pale and skinny, and we'd meet then. And she'd say "You look scary thin and sick". I would be so proud of myself. But reaching 43 will take ages...

How fast will I lose?

I'm back at cutting down my intake to a very low amount of cals. 500 to 600 is the absolute max. I am training off about 800 cals by biking to work everyday. And I am running as often as possible, at least 5 times a week, which adds 300 burned cals to my daily usage of cals. About 1.000 cals is what my body needs for maintenance.

1.800 to 2.100 needed
600 cals consumed
= 1.200 to 1.500 negative calorie balance

How fast will I lose when I go on like this?

WTF?

You know I am fat. I know I am fat.

You know the friend who's the perfect edition of me. The one I try to avoid as long as I am fat and ugly and so far away from my goal. She lives about 350 km away.

Today, at "lunchbreak", I was walking along the shopping street close to my workplace.
And suddenly I saw her. On my side of the street, approaching me. I instantly put down my head, crossed the street, but I probably stared at her for a while, not believing what I was seeing, from a distance of about 20 metres. I am not sure if she saw me, she didn't call my name, followed me and texted me or something. But probably she did. Very probably.

The worst thing was: I WAS EATING!!

Why could this happen? She here, in my town, at the exact same time at the exact same place?

I throw away the food. Had about 300 cals so far today. Trained of 400 already by biking 20 kilometers to work, will train off another 400 by riding home and another 300 by running for about 45 minutes. Nevertheless I won't eat anything more today. What I already ate feels like a stone inside my stomach. I wish I could purge it. I can't since I am at work. I hate myself for being so weak and eat. I hate myself for allwoing myself to be seen eating. I hate myself for letting me grow that fat. I hate myself for almost crashing into my best friend and let her see what a fat bitch I am. I HATE me for everything I am and do.

I won't eat anything more today. I won't.

A good day

It's unbelievable, but I had a good day. Almost 2000 cals more burned than consumed. I love 5 h roadbike rides and an hour of running early in the morning at half past six. Two times I was close to buy chocolate today, but in the end I was both times able to withstand.

So week tow is starting tomorrow. Week two of finally being in control again. Slowly the "Ana Feeling" is coming back. I lost the fear of food, I always felt guilty after eating, but I lost the fear. And I lost the feeling for what is too much and what is ok. I got everything back now. And I could embrace the world.

Maybe I'll really make it to 45 before Christmas. Maybe I might even be able to reach 42 by then. 42 - that would be a BMI of 16.8. Much better than my friend (you know, the one who is my idol, who is just perfect) who is at 17.6. 44 kg would make me 17.6. So I must get below that. Goal adjusted to 42. Let's go there, fat bitch. Make yourself happy.

when everything's perfect - but you

everything's fuckin' perfect: i'm deeply in love, i am deeply loved, i've brilliant friends, i got a nice flat, i've a job and get payed every month, i can afford my little luxury. but i don't fit in.

everytime someone tells me "you're stunning", "what you do is awesome", or "you're pretty" i can only take it as a lie. not a mean one, though. a kind one, to spirit me, to make me happy, to calm me down. but nevertheless a lie. the reason? i feel ugly. uglier than the ugliest person on earth. i am the most ugliest of them all.

i define myself by my body and weight. every kilo less makes me "better", allows me a little more to accept and believe what others say, accept and believe it's true what they say - and not a lie. now i am fat, now i hate myself, now i can't believe that anyone else can love me while i am disgusted by my appearance.

deep inside i know that my body image might be distorted. that my definition of "beautiful" probably doesn't fit everyone else's. but i also know that i cannot become happy with how and what i currently am.

48 would be awesome for a start. i remember weighing 48 kilos. i looked "ok". not gorgeous, still chubby, but not as fat as now. 45 would be the next step. the last time i weighed 45 kilos was when i was 14, i guess; 17 years ago. final goal would be 42. the number must appear flawless on the scale. 40 might look even better. or 39. fuck, 39. i am fantasizing. stop. i'd never make it to 39. utopistic. but 48. 45. 42. that might work. it must work.