Fear and Despair

I knew I shouldn't step on the scale this morning after this horrible, horrible weak weekend. But I did. And instantly I broke down. I gained! I failed! I gained so much that I now do weigh as much as I did when I came right out of the clinic. All the hard work from the last three weeks, all the renunciation - for nothing! I am such a fat cow... My jeans are skin tight again, my tights much too fat, my skin got bad again due to the amount of food I ate and I hardly dared to go out this morning. It was so difficult to "show" myself to the world, knowing that I exploded over the weekend and everything I put on looks like a sausage skin on my fat, flabby body. What should I do now? How can I go on? I'm so on the verge of binging because I think it doesn't matter anyway anymore. I'll never be thin. But I must pull myself together now. I fast today. Water, diet pepsi and if the hunger becomes unbearable, I drink a coffee. I also need the diet pills finally. Something that pushes my metabolism and blocks the carbs and fats. I can't do it on my own anymore, I've not yet made my willpower come back, I cannot yet control me again. I need help! I need it so badly. I am so weak. I can't bear it anymore. This makes me so sick.