Feeling alone

The day worked out well. No work, all shops closed due to holidays, no binge, no craving, little food (apples and cottage cheese). But nevertheless I am feeling down. The reason is obvious. And so is the point that it's all my fault, too. I had a friend, a very lovely great person, an ex-ana. Someone who really understood me, but never wanted to change me. She really cared about me. When I went crazy last autumn and left everything behind (friends, family, communication with others in general; didn't even participate in forums anymore or wrote the blog), I left her, too. She regularly tried to contact me via phone or eMail, but I never answered. Last week, I wrote to her, said sorry, tried to explain. And now she leaves me without reply. 

While I was not communicating with her the "silence" felt ok for me. Now that's me who is waiting to hear from her, it's killing me. 

I know it's all my fault. And she is probably angry with me (although I honestly doubt it; she probably is just very busy with work, we're both 30 and no teenagers with lots of free time anymore; she even runs her own business). But it's driving me totally crazy. Every fucking minute of the day I am thinking about what I could do to get her back. But I also don't want to annoy her by writing her eMails over and over again. Or force myself upon her. If she wants to get in contact with me again, she will. If she doesn't, I have to deal with it. I would even understand!

But nevertheless I am checking my eMail account like every 10 minutes. And everytime it's empty I could cry. Now I have even lost her. And I deserve it because of the way I treated her. I am such an ugly person. I deserve to be let alone.

Soliloquy

I am not hungry. I just want to chew something that does not taste like bubblegum. I am bored and can't get out of it. Boredom makes me think of food. An apple at least. Oh come on, that's like nothing! Nothing? Oh, it's way more than that. You don't need it anyway. You're not hungry. You just want to chew. You'll chew something in the evening. Cottage cheese and an apple. It's already waiting for you in the fridge. Seven hours to go. That's not so much. If you eat now, you can't eat in the evening. And you know that you'll be really hungry then. You're not hungry now. So calm down. You got diet coke. And coffee. And cigarettes! What could you need more? See. Everything's fine. Just fine. You're not hungry.

A Matter of Strength

This will be the first day of work again after a long time. I remember I always was happy when I could go to work instead of sitting bored at home trying to distract me from eating. But now I am not yet sure what to make out of it. Being at work also means being close to all kinds of - mostly bad - foods. I am working in the middle of the city and a million bakeries, supermarkets, and take away's are close. So will I be tough enough to resist? Tough enough to refuse?

I was in the last summer. I wasn't in autumn.
But it's just a matter of strength of the will, right? If you want it, you can do it. Whatever you want, whenever you want. And all I want is to become thin.





I don't want to feel this fat on me anymore. I don't want that pulpy meat around my hips, in my face, on my arms, on my belly. I want tight skin, bones, nothing flabby.

Flashback June 08

See that? These were my shoulders in June last year. I was thin back then. Only a very few kilos from my goal weight. Then everything got messed up. And look at me now, a fatass again. Miles away from where I want to be.

I am sooo sad right now. Will I ever be strong enough to get there again - and even further? Will I ever make it through the weeks and months it'll cost me to lose that damn fat again?

So this is it

Today. No food until 8 o'clock in the evening. A small cup of cottage cheese and an apple. Done. Then, a little later, another cottage cheese with a beetroot. All in all not more than 300 cals. But I went mad. And into the bathroom. Two new cuts, one on the right, the other on the left. It felt so good making them. It feels so good wearing them.

Honestly, there was no need for them. I was doing sports today. Quite a lot. I burnt way more calories today than I ate. But it just felt like "too much food". Or I wanted it to feel like "too much food" for then I can take my tiny little Leatherman and decorate my arms with new red lines.

I think there is a growing part of self destruction in me since several weeks. Or months. I mean, I cutted already years ago, but that was more... horrible? Like a punishment. I didn't liked it. It was painful. I almost puked when seing the blood. And nowadays? I love it. Love it so much that I even accept that my boyfriend sees the cuts. I am sure I will always find an excuse. And he is much too naive to believe that I'd hurt myself. Poor him. Poor me?

It was the same with purging. I never did it. I just wasn't able to throw up the food I swallowed. I tried it quite often, then I quitted the ridiculous attempts. In the middle of (now) last year I tried again. Just because I thought I should be able to do it. And it worked out. I needed a toothbrush, but hey, nobody is perfect. I used it often. Sometimes up to five times a day.

Now I do it very rarely. And actually when I do it, I just do it to assure myself that I am still able to do it. Just as "safeguarding". If I ever come into the situation again that I need it. And to feel strong to be in command of my body.

No pain from cutting.
No food stays in my stomach if I don't want so.

It makes me feel so powerful! And I need this feeling like a drug. More and more. Never had these needs before. Not that much. Or in other ways. Got it from pushing me to peak performances in sports and so on. Now it's more... "intimate". Sorry, don't know a term that suits better.

Self destructive. Pretty, beautiful, drop dead gorgeous self destruction.

Every Bite A Cut

After a long time I finally made it to my blog again. Weeks of binging made me fatter than ever. No chance to fight the cravings. But now I am back again. Every bad bite gives a cut on my forearm. And sometimes I aso do it just for fun because I started loving those cuts. Making them, seing them, having them. Just beautiful. I could stare at them and touch them for hours and hours. My own personal reminder of staying strong and never again let myself go so much like in the last weeks.

2009 will be my year of skinniness. I will finally reach my goal. 42 kilos. I am so much looking forward to that day.

Fat!

I thought I had reduced my intake and were on a good way to lose weight again. But when I put on my old trousers this morning, which were quite loose about 4 months ago, they were actually quite tight now! Oh my god, did I really gain so much weight during that time? It's horror! How could I've allowed myself to become such a fatass again?!

I really need to get all this fat off of me. I can't live with how I am. I am so ugly.

Losing

I stepped on the scale on Saturday. 52 kg. I stepped on the scale yesterday evening. 50 kg. This makes 2 kilos in three days. And I weighed myself even in the evening, not early in the morning.

One tiny success at least.

And really, I feel more in control at the moment. I am getting back to finally having more control about my eating habits again. I stayed strong, didn't give in to my cravings lately although it was veeery difficult. I also skipped dinner twice. Well, dinner is only cottage cheese with vegetables, but anyway. I got back to apples and grapes only and I think this is what made me lose again.

Nevertheless I can't skip dinner forever because all of the sports I do. I need the protein from the cottage cheese! But maybe I can only have it two or three times a week and stick to apples the rest of days.

Grapes, at least when I eat lots of them, aren't good for me, too, as I noticed now. I got an intolerance towards hystamine and probably grapes count in there, too. They give me bad stomach growlings and stuff. So I better reduce them. They were my "sweets", but I probably find something to replace them.

To cut a long story short: I am obviously on a good way reaching my goal. But I shouldn't get to enthusiastic about it. We all know that this can make you lazy. So I'll keep on going my way. And hopefully soon I'll see another few kilos drop.

Getting stronger

Today when I took my office break at lunchtime I was badass hungry. I was afraid of walking in a shop because I thought I'd fall for bread or even sweets or something. So I strolled through the streets but finally got the courage to set a foot in the next supermarket to buy me some grapes, two apples, coke light and a sugarfree enegery drink. I managed to pass the cakes, cookies, chocolate and bread rolls without touching it!

Since I will not be able to run tonight because I meet some friends I will try to eat as little as possible. Maybe I could even get through the day with these two apples and the grapes? Would be great. Maybe I even got the time after work to run a short round on my training route. So that I at least burn some calories by running. I actually hate it when my routine is messed up. I bike every day to work and run every day an hour after work. On the weekends I ride my road bike for at least one and a half hours and run as long and as far as I can.

If I can't do one or the other, something is "missing" and I feel like I instantly gain weight. I need to work off all I eat, even more than I eat. Or I panic.

Back after a long time

It has been a long time since I posted something. Sorry for that. I've been through quite a lot of ups and downs lately and gained a lot of weight since summer. I somehow lost control. Completely. I longed for sweet food so badly, binged a lot, got lazy with the sports and became the most disgusting person ever walked on earth. Since a couple of weeks I am trying to get back in shape with more determination. Nevertheless I still don't manage to stick to three apples only a day. Something that was like "foolproof" some months ago. I don't eat much, though, but still a lot of things. IMHO. I hope to get as powerful as I was in summer soon again. I finally want to reach my 42 kilos. I must become as skinny as possible.

Fat, worthless, ugly. Can't stop crying.

I am back now from meeting her. HER. And I almost cried when I saw her. She is so unbelievably beautiful. What a perfect woman she is. She is drop dead gorgeous - and as thin as I never will be. She was so nice to me, she was so kind, we had a lot of fun, actually. But now that I am home again - actually already on my way back home - I am more depressed than I ever was. I could cry. I could scream. I could kill myself. She is so beautiful and she has the body I always wanted to have. I am such a fat fuck. I am a pile of fricking worthless shit. And she is nothing but pure beauty. Perfect. I am not. I am far away from being even close to bearable. I am ugly and fat.

I will never eat something again. I will starve myself to get just a little bit closer to what she is.

Why can't I be a little bit more like her?
Successful. Pretty. Gorgeous. Thin.

I can't bear myself anymore. I can't bear this fricking fat body. I can't. I just wanna die. I am so overwhelmed by her beauty. Such beauty I'll never achieve.

I wonder why she even talked to me, why she spent her time with me although I am such a fat cow. It must have been so embarrassing for her to be seen with me.

I MUST get thinner. Next time we meet (she wants it! She really wants it although I am so ugly! She is such a good person and I am such a fat cow) I MUST weigh less. I MUST lose at least 5 more kilos. I actually MUST lose even more.

Damn, she is soooo pretty!!
Why can't I just have half of her beauty??
Why must I be such an ugly fatass?

I just can't stop crying....

I've become a purger

I did it three times. The first time I was shocked and embarrased. The second time I only felt a bit ashamed. The third time was lifting me higher and making me proud over winning the battle with food.

Now it has become normal.

My body was craving for energy today. I was 2 hours on my road bike early this morning. High speed, burnt about 1.000 cals. Then I was on the mountain bike in the afternoon. Another 400 cals in almost one hour. Later I went for a jog. 45 mins, high speed. Again 560 cals off. And I ate 4 apples and a green salad with a can of tuna and 2 tomatos. So I fell for 4 pieces of chocolate. And about 5 mins after I swallowed them I went to the bathroom and purged until all chocolate was out again.

It was very easy, very relaxed, very calm, nothing "extraordinary". I did it, I smiled afterwards, I felt strong, powerful, in total control.

So, this is what has become of me. I officially discovered purging as my "last solution" when I did something wrong.
I am not a binger, I am still very afraid of food and calories, so this "discovery" won't become an excuse for stuffing a million things in my mouth. The only "danger" could be that I purge just everything I eat. Because I know now how it works.

After 15 years ofpure anorexia I added a new "feature" to my ED. And to be honest: My weird mind is damn proud of me.

Don't fear...

All our times have come
Here but now they're gone
Seasons don't fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain
We can be like they are

Come on baby... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby take my hand... Don't fear the Reaper
We'll be able to fly... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby I'm your man...

Valentine is done
Here but now they're gone
Romeo and Juliet
Are together in eternity...
Romeo and Juliet

40,000 men and women everyday...
Like Romeo and Juliet
40,000 men and women everyday...
Redefine happiness
Another 40,000 coming everyday...
We can be like they are

Come on baby... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby take my hand... Don't fear the Reaper
We'll be able to fly... Don't fear the Reaper
Baby I'm your man...

Love of two is one
Here but now they're gone
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear we couldn't go on
The door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew and then disappeared
The curtains flew then he appeared
Saying don't be afraid

Come on baby... And we had no fear
And we ran to him... Then we started to fly
We looked backward and said goodbye
We had become like they are
We had taken his hand
We had become like they are

Come on baby...don't fear the reaper

I did it again

Yesterday evening I once again, for the second time, willingly threw up after a "binge". I had a small bowl of cereals and half a bar of chocolate. And already while stuffing this stuff into my mouth my stomach started hurting so badly that I couldn't stand straight up. So I took my tooth brush and went to the toilet while my bf was sitting in the room next door listening to music via his headphones. It took me 20 minutes and several attempts, but finally I got everything out.

Weird: Afterwards I didn't felt half as guilty as after the first time I threw up. Quite the contrary. I felt powerful, strong and satisfied, although I looked like a monster when I went to the bathroom mirror straight afterwards. Red eyes, somehow "swollen" face...

I don't plan to throw up regularly now, but it appears to be a "good" solution after a binge. Nevertheless I try to avoid binges at all costs, but if it happens, I now know that I can make it "a little bit" undone...

Desperate

Damn, I gave in to carbs again. Had two Naan breads (together 250 cals) late in the evening. I just coudn't resist. And although I immediately went for another jog (already jogged 7 km that day, went 40 km on my road bike any hiked 7 km), I gained half a kilo! Even if this is just muscle weight due to the huge amount of sports I am doing since several weeks, I gained! But how in the world can I finally lose weight? I eat very little (only fruits and vegetables), I burn so many calories by jogging and biking, but still I gain! My metab seems to be ok, though. Do I have to eat even less? Do I have to cut down the sport? I am desperate. I must lose 5 kg as fast as possible. But all I do is gain!

Above the plateau again

For fuck's sake - I messed it up again. And this time big time. I am back at my plateau weight. Not that I started eating much more, I "just" messed up my metabolism. Eating nothing but apples might be a good idea for one week, but not for two or more. Restricting does only work when you do it smartly, thus vary your calorie intake and not consume 300 cals every day. You'll lose water weight quickly, but when it's gone, losing stops. And you start even gaining by just eating a little more than your 300 cals. No matter how much sport you do.

So here comes plan b to finally get some progress in this whole effin' story.
1. Mark: Losing weight is not an easy job. Restricting calories "just so" doesn't get you where you wanna be.
2. Vary your calorie intake. Don't overeat, but vary. You don't need a strict plan to follow, just make sure to not eat the same amount of cals everyday, but have a difference from several hundred cals per day.
3. Vary your sports routine. Do not run the same amount of kilometers every day. Do not bike the same amount of calories every day. Do not make the same amount of situps everyday.
4. Stay away from "bad carbs". No bread, no cornflakes, no musli, no potatos and similar things. Get carbs from fruits (apples, for example).
5. Drink as much as you can.

So after a bad binge yesterday (which started of course with carbs - I ate 250ml of beef broth with some noodles and then it went on with a can of tuna, a small bowl of cornflakes, and half a bar of cocolate!), I had an apple and coffee for breakfast to kickstart the metabolism, made my situps, went to work by bike and have my first herbal tea now. I plan a full fruit day today, with even more apples and grapes. So I'll stay below the amount of cals from yesterday. Tomorrow I'll have again apples and grapes, but I'll add some soy products (maybe a yoghurt or something). I'll also run the shorter distance today and will keep the long one for the weekend. I'll plan to stick to a low carb diet over the weekend (cottage cheese with radish and cucumbers for breakfast, salat for lunch), and I hope it will be easy to convince my bf that it's nothing to worry about. Maybe this will finally make me break my plateau again.

Finally!

I broke my plateau! I did it! After four days of apples only and a lot of sport I am at 108 now. I came from 114 when I started on Monday! I am so happy, can't describe it with words. This is surely "my new thing". I didn't even crave anything else during the last days: no carbs, no sweets, no nothing. After the frickin' weekend where I have to eat almost normally again because I'm with my bf all the time, I will a 100% start with apples on Monday again. They will be my food of the week until I finally reached my goal. I lost 6 pounds in such a short time. So I really could make it to get rid off the rest until summer. 18 to go then I am perfect.

I am the fattest person ever

I was so good all the last two weeks. And then comes the weekend and everything gets ruined. I ate like a pig. I binged. I had peanut butter on crisp bread. Not one, not two, not three, but four. I had chocolate. Not one piece, not two, but eight. I had TUCs. I had salami for breakfast. I don't dare to step on the scale. I must have gained every single pound back I lost. If not even more. I was so weak. What a weak fatass I am. What a worthless, uncontrolled piece of shit. I can do nothing right, I do always fail. I must stop being such a weak idiot. I must be strong. I simply MUST get thin, there cannot be any other more important thing.

I start taking RF again. Who cares about the nervous heart rate. I MUST burn fat. Now. I will only eat three apples a day from now on. For at least a weak. A day of failure will result in a day of fasting.

I WILL NOT AGAIN BINGE ON THE WEEKEND.

I WILL NOT BINGE EVER AGAIN.

I MUST GET THIN.

Happy Beginning of the Day

On my way to work (I go by bike everydays, 8 km each way), I stopped at a bread shop because I felt so hungry and was craving bread so much. I bought a sunflower weed wholemeal roll, which has more than 280 calories per piece, I found out at the office browsing the web. So I was strong and gave it to a colleague instead of eating it. I am still hungry, though, but I won't eat so fricking many calories just for a bread roll, for Christ's sake! I am so happy I didn't. Would have felt guilty the whole day. So I am drinking a hot sweet tea (artificial no cal sweetener, of course) with a dash of low fat milk now, had a glass of water with little lemon juice and two more konjac flour capsules (had two when I got up already).

For lunch there will be a mug of pancake soup (39 cals), as a snack half an apple (40 cals) in the afternoon and for dinner some radishs (30), with 75 g cottage cheese (52 cals) and two slices of crispbread (40).

That should do for the day.