Desperate

Damn, I gave in to carbs again. Had two Naan breads (together 250 cals) late in the evening. I just coudn't resist. And although I immediately went for another jog (already jogged 7 km that day, went 40 km on my road bike any hiked 7 km), I gained half a kilo! Even if this is just muscle weight due to the huge amount of sports I am doing since several weeks, I gained! But how in the world can I finally lose weight? I eat very little (only fruits and vegetables), I burn so many calories by jogging and biking, but still I gain! My metab seems to be ok, though. Do I have to eat even less? Do I have to cut down the sport? I am desperate. I must lose 5 kg as fast as possible. But all I do is gain!

Above the plateau again

For fuck's sake - I messed it up again. And this time big time. I am back at my plateau weight. Not that I started eating much more, I "just" messed up my metabolism. Eating nothing but apples might be a good idea for one week, but not for two or more. Restricting does only work when you do it smartly, thus vary your calorie intake and not consume 300 cals every day. You'll lose water weight quickly, but when it's gone, losing stops. And you start even gaining by just eating a little more than your 300 cals. No matter how much sport you do.

So here comes plan b to finally get some progress in this whole effin' story.
1. Mark: Losing weight is not an easy job. Restricting calories "just so" doesn't get you where you wanna be.
2. Vary your calorie intake. Don't overeat, but vary. You don't need a strict plan to follow, just make sure to not eat the same amount of cals everyday, but have a difference from several hundred cals per day.
3. Vary your sports routine. Do not run the same amount of kilometers every day. Do not bike the same amount of calories every day. Do not make the same amount of situps everyday.
4. Stay away from "bad carbs". No bread, no cornflakes, no musli, no potatos and similar things. Get carbs from fruits (apples, for example).
5. Drink as much as you can.

So after a bad binge yesterday (which started of course with carbs - I ate 250ml of beef broth with some noodles and then it went on with a can of tuna, a small bowl of cornflakes, and half a bar of cocolate!), I had an apple and coffee for breakfast to kickstart the metabolism, made my situps, went to work by bike and have my first herbal tea now. I plan a full fruit day today, with even more apples and grapes. So I'll stay below the amount of cals from yesterday. Tomorrow I'll have again apples and grapes, but I'll add some soy products (maybe a yoghurt or something). I'll also run the shorter distance today and will keep the long one for the weekend. I'll plan to stick to a low carb diet over the weekend (cottage cheese with radish and cucumbers for breakfast, salat for lunch), and I hope it will be easy to convince my bf that it's nothing to worry about. Maybe this will finally make me break my plateau again.

Finally!

I broke my plateau! I did it! After four days of apples only and a lot of sport I am at 108 now. I came from 114 when I started on Monday! I am so happy, can't describe it with words. This is surely "my new thing". I didn't even crave anything else during the last days: no carbs, no sweets, no nothing. After the frickin' weekend where I have to eat almost normally again because I'm with my bf all the time, I will a 100% start with apples on Monday again. They will be my food of the week until I finally reached my goal. I lost 6 pounds in such a short time. So I really could make it to get rid off the rest until summer. 18 to go then I am perfect.

I am the fattest person ever

I was so good all the last two weeks. And then comes the weekend and everything gets ruined. I ate like a pig. I binged. I had peanut butter on crisp bread. Not one, not two, not three, but four. I had chocolate. Not one piece, not two, but eight. I had TUCs. I had salami for breakfast. I don't dare to step on the scale. I must have gained every single pound back I lost. If not even more. I was so weak. What a weak fatass I am. What a worthless, uncontrolled piece of shit. I can do nothing right, I do always fail. I must stop being such a weak idiot. I must be strong. I simply MUST get thin, there cannot be any other more important thing.

I start taking RF again. Who cares about the nervous heart rate. I MUST burn fat. Now. I will only eat three apples a day from now on. For at least a weak. A day of failure will result in a day of fasting.

I WILL NOT AGAIN BINGE ON THE WEEKEND.

I WILL NOT BINGE EVER AGAIN.

I MUST GET THIN.

Happy Beginning of the Day

On my way to work (I go by bike everydays, 8 km each way), I stopped at a bread shop because I felt so hungry and was craving bread so much. I bought a sunflower weed wholemeal roll, which has more than 280 calories per piece, I found out at the office browsing the web. So I was strong and gave it to a colleague instead of eating it. I am still hungry, though, but I won't eat so fricking many calories just for a bread roll, for Christ's sake! I am so happy I didn't. Would have felt guilty the whole day. So I am drinking a hot sweet tea (artificial no cal sweetener, of course) with a dash of low fat milk now, had a glass of water with little lemon juice and two more konjac flour capsules (had two when I got up already).

For lunch there will be a mug of pancake soup (39 cals), as a snack half an apple (40 cals) in the afternoon and for dinner some radishs (30), with 75 g cottage cheese (52 cals) and two slices of crispbread (40).

That should do for the day.

Konjac Flour Capsules

Found a great "new" hunger surpressant: konjac flour capsules. 100 capsules cost about 10 Euros and you consume up to 9 per day. So it's not so very cheap, but it's working better than Hoodia, IMHO. These capsules expand big time (up t0 200 %) in your stomach. It becomes a pasty mash in your belly, which is covered with an indigestive shell. So it stays longer in your stomach and makes you longer feel full.

Konjac flour contains protein, no carbs, no sugar, no fat, but a lot of fibre.

I take 3 capsules in the morning, 2 for dinner, 3 in the afternoon and 1 before I go to sleep. Works perfect: Full stomach, no collywobbles. Sometimes you even feel a bit sick due to the huge mass of "stuff" in your belly which additionally keeps you from being hungry. Perfect.

Bad as always

Sunday was, as always, bad. I had chocolate after dinner. Just a tiny bit, but nevertheless. And dinner also was huge. As well as lunch. Only breakfast was ok, but still I ate way too much. And it even didn't make my heart more comfortable. I have troubles with an irregular heartbeat or whatever it is since a few days. And I guess I'm off to the doctor this afternoon. It's very probably related to my "less than 200 cal"-diet of the last week, but still I hope there is another reason for it and that it will be gone soon. I'm slowly getting scared.

But anyway, I am back to basics now. I thought about having 500 cals per day. It will make me lose more slowly, but at least more healthy than having no food at all. I am not sure if I make it, though. I am really afraid of food and it will be difficult to eat generally. I've no plan yet of what to eat, but I thought about a huge green salad in the evening and a soup for lunch. And maybe an apple as a snack in the afternoon. But I am not sure if I can make it.

For the first time

Today I purged for the first time. I binged on chocolate flavoured cornflakes and half a chocolate easter bunny after staying below 200 cals everyday since Sunday. I spit the last two bites of the easter bunny into the garbage can when I recognized - much too late - what I was doing. Then I ran to the toilet and tried to get the rest of it out. With the help of the well known "tools" I finally managed to get all the chocolate out, but it was too late for the chocolate flakes. Some got out, but it was more than an hour ago after I ate them, so I stopped knowing that there's no point any longer in getting rid off them.

I am not happy with what I've done since I am not even a 100% convinced that it prevented my body from absorbing some of these fricking calories. I am totally frustrated and disgusted by myself - that I could fail so much after such a good week and eat a ton of shit, that I purged secretly and almost without any sound while my boyfriend is in the next room, and that I took my ED to a "next step" and thus a place where I've never been before in 15 year of Ana.

Please, don't let it ever happen again...